I'm (Hopefully) Coming Back

I am going to be coming back around blog land.  I can't guarantee how much or how long, but I'm going to start making my rounds again.  I've done as much as I can do for now.  I've applied at every place in our area in my field and had several interviews.  So, now it's the waiting game.  If I don't hear good news from them soon, I will go back to waitressing.  John is in the same boat except put manual labor in place of waitressing.  So now we're just waiting. 

I will tell you all that for now, we are doing OK and I really mean that.  Still no answers but we're feeling more at peace and resigned to what God has planned for us. 

If you've ever seen the movie Facing Giants, there's a theme about preparing the fields so God can send the rain.  The story goes...

There were two farmers who were praying for rain.  One went out and prepared his fields for the rain, the other did not.  Which one do you think received the rain?  The farmer who prepared his fields. 

So that's our focus right now.  We're preparing our fields and praying for rain.

Update: What's Been Going On

I've decided to come here and tell you all what has been going on.  John lost his job and since he was the bread winner of the family, that put a  huge financial burden on us.  I do work, but it's normally only part time and is more for my mental well-being then an actual source of income.  So we've been trying to find jobs, him a new job and me a full-time position.  Plus I've been picking up extra hours at work to help bring in some money.  When I'm not filling out applications, looking for places hiring in and out of my field and working extra hours, I've been taking care of the kids so they feel like everything's OK.  Also, we only have one family vehicle and since I have to get a full-time job now, we'll need another one, so we've been looking for ways to get one and looking for one.

I honestly thought I'd be back by now, but it's taking so long to get this all figured out.  I wish I could be here with you all, reading and commenting and supporting, but I just feel so disoriented right now.  I know you all understand.  You've been so supportive, it's truly a blessing for me.  I will never be able to express what it has meant to us.

People we know keep asking if we're OK and I keep smiling and saying we're fine.  Everything's good.  Trying to be positive and optimistic.  But the truth is, I'm not OK.  Inside I'm falling to pieces.  I'm hurt and pissed and I really just want to cry.  I can't though.  We have to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. 

I just keep looking at the bills and the bank accounts and wondering how this is going to work.  How we're going to get another car when we can't even figure out how to pay the bills we have now.  On top of all of this, several friends we made through the department that we've grown close to have stopped talking to us altogether.  That hurts the most.  It's like we're not part of their "clique" anymore.  There are rumors that they were told if they had any contact with us they would get fired, but not everyone from the department has wrote us off, so I don't know what the truth is and it hurts either way.  We don't have these friends anymore and that hurts.

This has been a huge blow to John's ego.  He feels he's let me and his family down.  He hasn't though.  There was nothing he could have done to prevent this, it's all political BS.  They wanted him gone and found a way to do it.  He's been depressed and mopey and kind of locked inside himself lately, which I completely understand.  I'm trying to be supportive of him and to just be here for him, but I miss my husband.  I want him back.  I have seen some life in him a couple of times, but those moments are so rare and brief lately.  I want him to feel good about himself again and not like a failure, I want him to smile and laugh again.  This all just hurts so much.

I really just wanted to tell someone, I'm NOT OK.  I know that I will be, but right now, I'm just not.

P.S.  If you want to get a hold of me, you can e-mail me at suzieplus6@hotmail.com.  My e-mails are sent directly to my phone so it acts like text messaging to me.

I Will be Back

I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know where I've been.  Something has happened to our family that has shaken us a bit.  I don't really want to go into details on my public blog, but I will tell you all we are all fine.  As of right now, we're still working on picking up the pieces so we can move forward.  I will be back to blogging as soon as I get the time, until then, I'm asking for patience from all of you.  I promise to be back soon.

Distancing and Goodbyes

There have been many times I've felt tempted to distance myself from my husband.  Always a bad idea.  Most of the time it stems from his deep commitment to his job.  Don't get me wrong, the kids and I are higher on his priority list than his job but his job is very demanding and important.  In order for him to do it right, he must make some family sacrifices.  There are times my emotions play tricks on me and I tell myself I don't matter to him.  He doesn't even notice me.  Well, if that's how his is, I'll make him miss me.  But I never follow through with this thought.  When the thought hits me, I curl up into him, let him wrap his big strong arms around me and revel in the joy and comfort of his touch, even if only for a moment.

There are times I am tempted to do my own thing and go back to just a single mom mentality while he sat around missing me.  "There!  Now you know how I feel".   No hugs and kisses and sincere goodbyes for you.  Nope, I'll just nonchalantly say bye while busy with other things as you walk out the door to do whatever it is you want to do that doesn't include me and if you insist on a kiss then it'll just be a quick peck.  I am tempted, but I don't follow through.  Instead, I turn TO him.  I may not tell him at that exact moment what's wrong with me because sometimes it's not always convenient for us to have an in depth conversation about my very complicated emotions.  But I sincerely say goodbye, with real hugs and real kisses.  I stop whatever has my attention at that moment to go to him to say goodbye, I give it my undivided attention.  I do the same for my kids.

You see, this is how my brain works...

What if I did follow through on my temptations.  What if I were too distracted to give him a real goodbye.  What if I moped around not being with him while he was home then he left and I barely said goodbye, acted as if it were inconvenient for me to do so.  He left not feeling that closeness from his wife and something happened.  To him or to me.  What if that half hearted busy goodbye was the last time we ever saw each other.  What if that was the last moment we have of our relationship.  I couldn't live with that and I can't bear the thought of leaving him with that.

The only thing certain in life is death.  We may not know when or how, but we know it's going to happen.  I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic.  None of us are promised tomorrow or the next moment for that matter.  Anything could happen, from the more common tragedies such as car accidents, to unusual tragedies such as what happened in Aurora, CO, to terrorist attacks.   My husband's job isn't the safest and to be honest, neither is mine.

Have you ever seen the movie Uptown Girls with Brittany Murphey and Dakota Fanning?  In one scene, Brittany's character is telling Dakota's character about the last time she saw her parents.  They were getting ready to go on a tour without her and she was mad because it was the first tour they would take without her.  She locked herself in her room and refused to say goodbye.  Her parents ended up dying in a plane crash while on tour and she never saw them again.

So, I treat every goodbye as if it were our last because we never know if it will be.

The Morning Grump Needs Some Attention

My family and I just returned from a camping trip over this holiday weekend.  Normally, I don't like going to this camp ground during a holiday, but there was rain in our area and it kept the majority of the camp ground empty all weekend leaving just us few campers willing to brave the rain.  It was a great weekend.

However, I somehow earned a spanking today.  It was a punishment spanking per se, but it was definitely not what I wanted to do at the moment.

You ever have a spanking that just pisses you off at first.  This one did.  I woke up grumpy this morning (from lack of sleep all weekend?) and I didn't want to be bothered with anything and especially not a stupid silly spanking.  I was just plain annoyed.  I laid there thinking "this is annoying" "this is stupid" "why does he have to do this anyway" "what a jerk he's being" "I have other things to be doing" and more.  I'm pretty sure it was that attitude that landed me OTK to begin with.  John wouldn't stop until he broke through to me though and he did.

I think it's my reaction after the spanking that freaks him out the most these days.  After, I kind of pout a little.  Maybe shut down.  I don't feel shut down but I don't talk about what I'm feeling because to be honest I don't fully understand it.  I feel pouty for no reason, I feel like I screwed up and I don't really want to end up OTK again.

Before I could be comforted back to a normal temperament, the baby (who's not a baby) had an accident in her pants so John took her to clean her up and I began cleaning the mess on the floor.  When he returned he said "Baby, I was going to do that" this made me frown a little at him.  I hadn't intended to and wasn't really aware I had done it but he sent me back to the room anyway.  I went in and began to cry.  He said "Baby, what's wrong" and I blubbered out "I don't want to get spanked again"  He said he wouldn't and laid down with me in our bed to cuddle a little.  I began feeling better and I'm not a grump anymore.

Note to John:  After this spanking today I feel much more awake or alert or whatever I wasn't feeling earlier, definitely less grumpy or annoyed, not motivated though (not sure where that went) and I feel much more relaxed right now.  Things just feel right when they didn't earlier.  Thanks for that.

I'm a Woman, Hear Me Roar (or Cry)

Ugh!  Sometimes I get so busy with my daily life it's difficult to keep up with this blogging thing.  I think honestly, I just need to lower my expectations of blogging.  When I started blogging, I was semi-disabled (OK, I had a broken wrist, but I would honestly rather have a broken leg than a broken wrist.  And I would know, I've had both), therefore I had more time for blogging.  Now that I'm back to my full work ability, I need to realize that I can't blog the way I did in the beginning.  So here's what I'm thinking.  I can usually find time to read blogs fairly easily, so I will continue to do that.  If I erase the idea that every time I log into blogger I need to write a post as well as read and comment, I think I will be more willing to log in more often, like quickly in the mornings after working overnight or before bed when I don't work to leave comments, but not always post.  (maybe a laptop or and Ipad would help as well, but as of now, I'm stuck with an old school desktop).  I'd like to at least find time once a week to leave a post.  So there's my plan.

Now, I have a story to share.  It's semi-Dd related.  There's a situation at John's work which is a source of stress for us.  I was internally dealing with some of the emotion and stress I was feeling.  To be honest I was frustrated with the whole thing.  John at times gets upset if I get upset about anything.  He doesn't get upset with me, but more that he can't "fix" everything.  Just as every parent wishes they could put their children in a bubble and protect them from life, John wishes he could do that for me.  When John gets upset though, he's not very good at expressing it appropriately.  It will sometimes come out as anger directed toward me.

We were sitting in the car waiting for the kids to get out of school and talking about this.  I began telling him how I was feeling, my voice was a bit tense, but that's because I was very frustrated about the situation.  He sensed my tense tone and snapped at me that he wasn't going to tell me anything anymore if I was just going to react that way.  I bubbled over and began telling him that when he keeps me in the dark, it makes me feel like I'm pretty much useless to him.  Like I'm just his trophy wife to look good on his arms but that I'm incapable of dealing with life, incapable if thinking or anything.  That he views me as just some bimbo.  He told me that's not how he meant it.  I knew that wasn't how he meant it and he's gotten a lot better at telling me about things that affect me over the past several months, but he isn't perfect yet either.  I told him, I knew that wasn't what he meant it to say.  I know that he doesn't tell me things for the same reason a parent doesn't tell a child about problems affecting the home, he wanted to protect me from all the negative emotions.  If John had his way, I'd be happy all the time.   I told him he can't shield me from the world, that I will get upset, that I still feel pain and frustration and stress, but those emotions don't limit my ability to deal with situations anymore than they limit his.  He told me, he felt like it was his job as the man to protect me.  He said he views me as his delicate little flower.  He never meant to hurt my feelings or to make me feel like I wasn't a partner in all this.  He just wants to make me happy.  I appreciate that.

I am a woman capable of dealing with some harsh situations.  John knows and appreciates this.  However, like I've mentioned above, he wants to protect me.  He knows most of what I've gone through in my life before him and he wants me to have a better life, but at times his image of a better life for me is impractical.  I don't think he realized before the above conversation that just having him in my life and not facing everything alone already makes my life better.

I never used to cry.  I would shake everything off and continue to move forward with never a tear spilled.  The stress mounted itself on my shoulders but never revealed itself in my actions or behaviors.  I hid everything from everybody.  I smiled and moved on.  Hey somebody had to.    That was before I met John though,  Since him, I've learned to cry, to trust in him, to let go of things I can't control.   I have a partner now to help me.  Unfortunately at times I feel weaker because I show my emotions more.  I have to remind myself that I am stronger now than I have ever been because I do have the love and support from John.  Sometimes I, like John, see me express all these emotions and think I am not capable of handling a situation.  It's not until John tries to protect me that I realize, I am still strong, in fact stronger.  When I have to tell him that it's OK for me to cry and get frustrated, but I can still handle all life throws at us, I realize that I am not weaker because I cry, but stronger because I have the love and support of a man who cares about how I feel.


The first part of this post was typed earlier today, the rest I'm typing now...

I let some things with my mom overwhelm me today and I let it all out to John (while waiting to pick up the kids again, go figure).  Instead of jumping up to "fix" it, he listened to my feelings.  It relaxed me that he didn't jump up (figuratively) to save me.  Some situations you can't change, especially when they involve other people's actions.  This particular situation is an example.  He can't "fix" it anymore than I can.  Doesn't mean I won't get frustrated about it or that I won't need to vent.  He accepted that I had to cry and get it out.  Then he provided me with wine and cuddles when we got home.  :) I truly love that man.

Passing Notes

One day, I came home from work not feeling very upbeat or happy.  I was over tired, over stressed and depressed.  I had been working a lot of hours I'm not used to, my normal everyday life hadn't slowed down or demanded any less of me just because I was working and I was missing my husband, who had recently switched shifts causing us to not see or talk to each other.  While I was sleeping, John was watching the kids and getting the house cleaned for me so I would wake up to a nice clean house.  When I woke up, I found a folded up piece of paper next to my pillow.  It was a note from John.  I smiled as I imagined him sneaking into my bedroom while I was sleeping to leave a note for me to find when I woke up.

As I read it, my smile got bigger...

To my one and only love,
These past few weeks have been crazy.  I have been lost in thought and you have been running around and thinking about this job.
We have been so out of it that we have not been to the garage for reconnection in a while.  I want to get this life back on track.  First I want to start with our Dd lifestyle and get back on track with that.  I want a membership to the gym and I wast us to use it three times a week.  I want to start getting out of this house  go to the park hell anywhere, walk, let kids play.  I want my wife to be happy again.  I want her to lose some weight so she can be happy with herself again (I have been depressed a lot lately about my added weight, John likes it but it bothers me so he is allowing me to lose weight but I'm not allowed to get below a certain weight which is higher than what I was when I met him).  Hell I want to lose some too.  I know this new schedule is going to be hard but we can make it work and the extra money will help us get to where we want to be.  I love you and miss your smile.

Well on a diff note you are always asking about my fantasies so I will try to lighten you.

He then went on to write one of his fantasies which he kindly snuck back in our room to read to me and then we reconnected in a different way.

I thought this was sweet and wanted to share it with you.

Home Again

We're back!  It was such an awesome trip, I'm really glad we did it.  We saw some sights, did some stuff and ate some food.  The best part of the whole thing was being with John and how he excepts me for the nerd I am.  John and I don't just sit around talking about the stuff we'd like to do someday, we actually DO stuff we say we will.  Sometimes things don't work out for us to do some things, but if it's possible, we do them.  That's how I know, if we both make it to retirement, we really will buy an RV and visit all 50 states (yes I do realize we can't drive our RV to Hawaii, but we're still going to go).

I have 2 more posts that are already written to type up and publish, hopefully, I'll get those done some time this week, just wanted to check in and let you all know we're back and that we had wonderful time.

HOH in Training

John and I are getting ready to head out on a romantic getaway for the weekend, but before I left I wanted to share one more post with you.  I was torn which post to write next.  I knew I wanted it to be more upbeat after the last one, so, I chose this one because it's kind of cute (IMO).  I hope you enjoy.

First, a little background.  My son, Junior's father and I split when Junior was six months old.  As much as I tried to make sure Junior had as much of a normal childhood, he (maybe out of instinct?) picked up and sort of became the man of the house.  He was Mommy's little helper, Mommy's little man.  It was him and Mommy against the world (or so it seemed at times).  Even when Little Suzie was born, it was almost like Junior and I were raising her together.

Mommy had a few boyfriends here and there but they usually we just friends and never anything serious.  Nobody stayed the night, EVER, let alone did any of them live with us.

When John and I got serious and moved in and began planning our happily ever after, Junior butted heads with John, A LOT.  He acted as if he was threatened by this new man.  At first John and I were completely stumped but Junior's behaviors.  We didn't understand.  I truly thought I was doing what was right by providing a male role model in his life.  One day it dawned on both of us what Junior's problem was and I had a talk with him.  I explained to him about how this was his opportunity to be a normal kid and nothing more.  I explained that I still needed him in my life and that he was still important but that his role was just a bit different.  John was here to help us both not take his job.  He relaxed after that and watching the two bond amazing.

Junior and I left the other night at dinner to go to practice and were going to eat when we got home.  When we got home I was so tired, I began heating up dinner for Junior and said "I'm tired and heading to bed."  Junior said to me "NOT before you eat dinner."  I'm sitting here thinking "Is Dad paying you?"

Another time, mother nature was taking her toll on my emotions and I awoke to find John had cleaned my house.  Did I react with thanks and gratitude like John deserved?  Oh no, mother nature had other plans (all you ladies know what I mean, right?).  I began getting all upset saying things like "I feel useless to this family" and "I'm a bad mother and wife, I can't even keep the house clean by myself."  I kid you not, both John and Junior simultaneously said "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, what's wrong?"  I think if I wasn't already in mother nature's grips, I probably would have laughed.

So there you have it.  Examples of how my husband is influencing my son  ( NO HE IS MY SON NOW   LOL).  Now, I can never get away with anything again because he's got a little deputy looking out for me when he's not around.

Hurt Feelings and Moving On

So, I'm ready to write about the hurt that I was experiencing when I wrote this post.

It started with one painful realization, then there were a couple of events that, alone, I probably could have handled, but mixed with the emotions I was already feeling from the fist realization and add to that, I wasn't sleeping for days at a time due to extra work hours and I was headed towards an emotional breakdown.  Through it all, I could sense John feeling lost and frustrated because these were situations that were beyond our control and he wanted to "fix" things and "save" his wife (typical John *swoon*).  He remained loving and supportive though.  He wasn't always able to physically be there for me but I could feel his love and support always.  There's one particular instance I will blog about in a later post (I wrote quite a few posts while I was working so much that are just sitting there waiting to be typed up and published, some even Dd related).

The first realization is that parts of John's family do not except me and my kids the way they do John's ex-wife and her kids.  This isn't a sudden realization.  I guess I just figured after three years we'd all be bit further down this road that we are.  In fact, things have either remained stagnant or moved backward.  John has a sister who lives here in our area who treats my step-daughters as he nieces and my bio kids as the other kids.  She doesn't appear to do this consciously but it seems more out of habit (after all, I do realize my step-daughters have been her nieces longer).  It's still painful though because our family has been together three years and I just kind of figured things would be different by now.  An example of what I mean is, one day my MIL was watching Tommi (my younger step-daughter) and Little Suzie (my daughter who is the same age).  My local SIL was on the phone with my MIL discussing how my MIL was watching Tommi and my SIL was going to go to visit her.  She stopped by the store on the way to pick up treats for Tommi.  Once she got to my MIL's, she realized Little Suzie was there.  Since she didn't want Little Suzie to feel left out or neglected, she divided the treats she bought Tommi between the two girls.  She didn't intentionally mean to leave Little Suzie out when buying the treats, but while on the phone with my MIL, neither bothered to discuss whether or not Little Suzie was there, only that Tommi was there.  Also, it's pretty obvious (to me anyway) that if my MIL has to watch Tommi for us, wouldn't she have to watch Little Suzie as well?

My MIL's preferential treatment is a little more obvious and seemingly intentional.  To begin with, she feels I am too hard in my expectations of behaviors from my step-daughters (despite the fact I expect the same out of my bio kids who are the same age) and will often express in a round-a-bout way to the kids these feelings.  She isn't really cruel or mean to my bio kids but they can see she in more lenient and gives more (time and gifts) to my step-daughters.  Further, she still treats John's ex-wife as a daughter-in-law and her older son (whom John doesn't get to see anymore) as a grandson.  This is understandable since John and his ex were married for several years.  I honestly don't expect her to give up these members of her family just because of me and my bio kids.  What hurts is that despite how John's ex has treated him and my step-daughters through the final year of the marriage, divorce and John remarrying, she will still except her and her son but won't except me, John's wife, who everyone (besides apparently my MIL) agrees has been good for him and his daughters.  Nor will she except my bio kids who are related to her the same way that John's ex-wife's older son is (the baby being biologically her granddaughter).

In the same week that I was reeling from recent interactions with my MIL and the realization that our relationship will probably never change, John got a promotion at work (yay!) except in order for him to accept it, he had to go to the shift we both agreed neither of us would work because that was family time.  After discussion and me crying a lot, we agreed he would take the promotion but it meant I would see him much less.  In fact, since he's switched shifts. I've rarely spent more than five minutes talking with him daily, ten minutes at the most.  It's been painful and I really, really miss him.

Then there are some fairly new neighbors that just moved in on our street that have caused so much turmoil that most of the parents on our street (including us) have forbade their children from playing with the little girl.  This caused the girl's parents to react unreasonably.  We very calmly at first attempted to explain to the parents why the little girl was not allowed to play at our house anymore and why our children would not be allowed to play with her anymore and that resulted in her parents calling the police on us and making bogus charges against us.  We aren't the first or the last of the neighbors they have done this to and the cops didn't really take them seriously anyway since they make the same claim on everyone they call on.  Since that very dramatic incident, the parents have had several confrontations with my kids including threatening to call the cops on them for allegedly destroying another neighbor's property (which that neighbor already knew it was the little girl and didn't believe my kids had done it).  Again, my kids weren't the only ones the parents were targeting and all the kids in our neighborhood have retreated within their homes to avoid drama and conflict from these awful neighbors.

The last incident has worked itself out.  Since the neighbors have treated their landlord much the same as they've treated their neighbors, they are currently being evicted and we will soon have our street back.  As for my husband's new shift, yeah it's frustrating still, but the pay raise was significant and writing out a financial plan so that in the very near future we'll be able to buy a house together is exciting.  Also, a house in our area had their home broken into recently, so it's comforting to know John will be here at night to protect our family.  Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of protecting them, but I'd rather John does it.  He has more training than I do and he's way more skilled with a gun and clearing a house than I am (not to mention it's hot when my man defends me even though I'm able to defend myself).  The family isolation one, the biggest one, will probably never change and there's not a positive side to it, but when I feel hurt by the rejection of these members of John's family, I contact his family in his home state and just talk.  I did this the other day because I was feeling hurt all over again and they seemed to sense something was wrong and they provided me with love and support even from several states away.  My MIL and local SIL may not view me and my bio kids as part family but my FIL, his wife, my other SIL not to mention grandparents, cousins and tons of friends who double as honorary bothers and sisters to John adore me and my kids, ALL five of them.  That makes me feel good.

So, sorry this post got to be so long.  Thanks for stopping by and I hope to see you all again soon, maybe tomorrow.  :)

ABC's of TTWD

Stormy challenged us to come up with the first thing we think of related to TTWD for every letter of the alphabet.  This is my list.  I wrote it before I read everybody's lists so I wouldn't be influenced, but I had to post the 50 Shades post I'd been promising.  :)

Annoying

Bratting

Come here

Dread

Exciting

Friends

Good girl

Hard

Iron (as in taking it daily and ironing his shirts)

Just

Kink

Lap

Manly

Naughty

Opinions

Pout

Quit

Reminder

Sassy

Trust

Underwear

Vanish

Wash

Xercise (OK that was a stretch so let's all pretend I can't spell)

Yelling (or lack there of)

Zen

50 Shades Thoughts and Opinions

If you would allow, I'd like to explain a little about my presence or the lack thereof in blog land.

I don't always have the time or convenience of being able to get on my computer.  There are various reasons for this but the most common is that I'm working a lot.  I can get on with my stupid smart phone, but there are some limitations.  Blogger and my phone are not friends.  I can read the blogs from my phone (so I'm not really behind) but I cannot comment to blogger blogs from my phone.  I can, however, comment to wordpress blogs.  I'll sometimes hand write comments to certain blogs but by the time I get a chance to get on a computer, it's been so long I feel awkward commenting.  I feel like I've missed it and everyone has already moved on, especially on those blogs that have 30-40 or more comments.  I can't write a post from my phone.  I can approve comments from my phone, but cannot respond as that would require me commenting to my own blog which is a blogger blog and as I covered earlier, I can't comment to blogger blogs lol.  I will often times hand write blog posts while I'm at work to be posted later.  I do have a few to come :).

Alright, now for the main attraction, my thoughts on 50 Shades...

First, I'd like to point out that I love reading romance novels.  I love those quirky romantic comedies.  It shouldn't be too serious or too thoughtful because then it becomes real life and I life to read romance novels to escape real life.

Now, I realize these books are classified as erotica, but I feel like it also falls under the category of romantic comedy.  Honestly, that's why I liked these books.  I felt the "sex scenes" were repetitive and boring after a while, but the rest was rather entertaining in my opinion.

They're not the type of literature that people would spend a good deal of time over analyzing and I don't believe that was their purpose.  They're just fun books.

Also, I feel all the hype about BDSM and spanking in the book was a bit over dramatized..  I had heard/read before I read the books that some felt the books might encourage young women to get into abusive relationships because Anastasia felt like she had to do this BDSM lifestyle in order to please/keep Christian.  After reading the books, I would disagree.  First, whoever said that obviously doesn't understand true abusive relationships and second I don't feel like Anastasia did it just to keep Christian.  It is clear in the book Christian is willing to change for Anastasia but I think she'd mildly curious about the lifestyle.

In conclusion, I'd like to say, these were fun, enjoyable books for me because I like to read stuff like it.  I felt the BDSM/spanking in it was actually very light and mild.

And to the claims of "mommy porn", I think those commenters obviously have lived under rocks for quite some time.  This is not the first book or series of books to come out with sex or spanking for that matter.  Both my mother and grandmother read "smut", lol.  Everyone in real life I know who has read these books have read others like it before these even came out.

Just my opinion.  :)

John's Answers

After reading John's answers I just had to write a post so I could share his answers with you and respond to some of what he said.  John's not much of a writer.  He has a hard time expressing what's going on in his head through written word so sometimes I think people who don't know him so well miss some of what's cute about his answers.

Questions in bold, John's answers in italics and my reactions in red :)

1. How did you very first learn about DD, and what was your initial reaction to the concept?
I learned about DD from my wife, i then did some checking and then told her hell yes bend over.



Typical guy response lol.  Got to be all macho.  I don't recall him being quite so nonchalant about it.  In fact, in the beginning, he was very unsure of exactly what it was I wanted him to do.  It took a little bit to convince him that I didn't want to play a game.

2. Share one of your all-time favorite DD memories of you and your partner.
in the begaining i would tell her something and she would smile and i knew that i was going to have to spanke her because that is what she was wanting. Yeah, after he go all comfortable with the spanking thing, he really liked that I wanted him to.  There was a lot of smiling and smirking in the beginning.

3. What is one aspect of DD that you feel your partner has always handled very well?
i have to agree with my wife on this one
This is weird because neither of us have had good track records in the communication department before we met but somehow it was just easy for us to communicate with each other.

4. If you had to pick one person in your life to tell that you practice DD, who would you tell?
this is hard cause i do want to tell all my friends but with my job i can not.
I can see it all over the news if it gets out.  "Local law enforcement officer beats wife when she disobeys."  Yikes!  Better keep this to ourselves.
 
5. What is one thing you wish you had known when you started DD?
that we are not like everyone else out there. I am a spanko and so is she sometimes i just need to spanke her and she is always willing. But when we started i though she had to be in trouble to get spanked boy was i wronget
Yeah, I agree with this.  Also, for us, mixing fun spanking, stress relief spanking, reconnection spanking and discipline spanking wasn't as complicated as it first appeared.  They feel different and I much prefer the other types of spankings to the punishment spanking.  I avoid those at all costs.


So, I hope you enjoyed these answers.  It was cute for me to see what John had to say.

Questions Answered

Wow!  I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from my last post.  Unfortunately, after I wrote that we had some sudden things happen at work, forcing me into working quite a bit.  I think I'm back this time.  (I hope).  Things are as OK as they're going to be.  I really appreciate all of the comments I got from my last post.

On July 27th (sheesh I am behind), Molly at Creating Us asked some questions about DD, so I'm going to answer them now.

1. How did you very first learn about DD, and what was your initial reaction to the concept?
I learned about DD by doing a web search on spanking.  I had come across some blogs and I was intrigued.  I found it fascinating.  It was what I had always wanted but never really knew.
  
2. Share one of your all-time favorite DD memories of you and your partner.
In the beginning when John would first put his foot down so to speak, we'd both smirk.  He was serious and I better listen, but neither one of us could prevent it.

3. What is one aspect of DD that you feel your partner has always handled very well?
Communication.  We've always talked about what was working and what wasn't working.  I think that's something we've always been good at with each other.
 
4. If you had to pick one person in your life to tell that you practice DD, who would you tell?
This is a hard one.  We already have a friend that knows.  There are moments when I would like to tell everyone I come in contact with how great it is, but with my husband's job I worry so much about him losing his job and credibility.  He's an amazing man and it would kill me to hear someone say otherwise.
 
5. What is one thing you wish you had known when you started DD?
That we weren't going to be experts at the beginning.  I know that sounds so silly, but I truly felt we should be just like all those bloggers who have been doing it for years.  We eventually learned we needed to go at our own pace and things start off slow.


I hope you all enjoyed reading my answers.  I'm hoping the next time I talk to John, I can convince him to give some of his answers as well.  In the mean time, I'm planning on posting my review on 50 Shades tomorrow.  It's written, I just have to type it up and post it.  :)

Thank you all my readers and commentators for providing friendship and support.

Why I Withdraw

I'm going to try to write this so that you all can understand.

I consider myself to be a realist or a recovering pessimist.  I'm not an optimist nor do I feel I am a pessimist either.  Let me explain (as best I can).  An optimist looks for the good in every situation.  I don't.  A pessimist looks for the bad in every situation.  I don't do that either, though I used to.  I see obstacles, I may not be able to predict them, but I know they'll be there, always.  That's what I do.  Example, I have never believed in "happily ever after".  All you ladies know about fairy tales right?  Girl meet her Prince Charming (I've never liked that guy by the way, too suave if you ask me), falls in love, he falls in love with her, it's love at first sight, they get married and live happily ever after with no problems ever.  Bills are always paid, children well mannered and never an argument between them.  Except, I have never believed in that.  I always knew when I married there would be days I liked my husband immensely and there would be days I'd not like him as much.  I also knew my future husband would have the same feelings about me.  I knew we'd argue occasionally and since I know myself pretty well, I knew we'd argue more than occasionally.  But I knew if we were committed to each other and our marriage, it would be OK in the end.  See?  Realist.

I feel like my blog comes off as very negative sometimes or that I'm depressed all the time.  That's truly not me, it's just that sometimes, this is the only place I can vent about things that are bothering me.  In real life, I'm actually pretty happy (being a realist does that actually, I already know life's not perfect so I just don't expect much from it and I am content with it).  Ana said in her Lovely Blogger Award post that one of her favorite things I wrote was about when I was playing with my son at the park and he got his arm bit off by a shark (in pretend).  She went on to say that I sound like the kind of mom who not only let's her kids have pillow fights, but joins them as well.  I think that most accurately describes how I am in real life.  I am a big kid at heart.  I might be a realist but it doesn't mean I don't have imagination.  I still (pretend to) believe in fairies and dragons and mermaids.  I still don't like Prince Charming though, he's very arrogant if you ask me.  I am the first one up Christmas morning waking all the kids up (isn't that backwards?), I try to smile at strangers in the grocery store and I relate to children much more than I do adults.  I skip :).  I love to dance and sing (though off key, sorry) as loud as I can.  I love attending my kids' "concerts" in our living room and will act as if I'm at a real concert.  I do this stuff in public as well and I don't care who's giving me dirty looks.

I try very hard to be a good friend.  If I haven't heard from a good friend in a while, I try to reach out and see how he/she is doing.  I ask about their lives and say "how are you doing" and I really want to know.

I've grown to really appreciate and like all my readers and especially those who comment.  I want you all to see this positive side of me a little more.  I consider you my friends and I feel my friends should be able to appreciate my company.  (that sounded very arrogant but I don't mean it like "you all should be appreciative that I'm your friend" but more that I take responsibility for who I am to you and I should be a good friend to you).

So, that leads me to why I shut down when I'm hurting like I am.  I do it because I want you to see the positive side of me.  I want to be a good friend to you and not weigh you down with all my insecurities and depression.  When I was younger I used to be a cutter.  I was very selfish back then.  I hurt a lot of people very dear to me during that time.  I never got the chance to tell them all how sorry I am because they all left me long before I came to terms with everything.  They couldn't handle all of the emotional stress I had unknowingly put on them.  I still to this day feel so guilty for putting so much on them, I don't want to do that to my friends today.  My friends today include all of you. 

So I guess that's why I tend to withdraw when I hurt.  I wanted you all to understand that.

Feeling Lost

I'm sorry I've been absent.  I have a post in my head to write but I've been dealing with a lot of emotional stuff in my life right now.  Sometimes when things get to be too much for me, I tend to distance myself from people.  I haven't been active on my facebook either and I usually post at least once a day, mostly more, but I'm just not feeling it.  Last week, I spent the entire week crying.  This week I'm just trying to wrap my head around me reality and get my thoughts in the right place.

For the record (and so John knows), John has been very supportive of everything I've been going through.  I know he sees my pain and wants to wipe it away but in this instance he can't "fix" anything and I know that hurts him as much as I'm hurting right now.  I love you John, I know you're here for me even when you can't be, I know how much you want to help.

I'm hoping to put up a post when I get my head back.  Maybe due a book review of 50 Shades of Grey since I've not seen anyone write what I thought of the book.  :)

A Little Late but...

Ana at Governing Ana has officially nominated me for the Lovely Blogger Award.  Also, Blondie at Blondie's Blog gave me a shout out in round 2.  Thank you both for your thoughtfulness.  I honestly have been enjoying everyone's 7 things and learning about blogs I haven't heard of yet that I never actually considered myself to be among the ones nominated.

The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance
- Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them.
- Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
- Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
- Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

Ok so, 7 things about me you may not already know...hmm...

1) I was a cheerleader in high school and was captain of my cheer team :)  People I know in real life are not shocked by this information, I don't think I ever outgrew the peppyness, sorry to people that it annoys.

2) I can't paint nails, mine or otherwise, without it coming out all sloppy.  Actually I let my girls paint my nails because they do a better job than me.

3) In the summer time, I'm never inside.  As soon as warm weather starts moving in I almost run outside.  However in the winter, I kind of become a hermit.  You'll notice much more online activity from me when it's cold.

4) I was 21 when I first decided to give God a chance and life has not been the same since.  In fact I moved from my home town shortly there after and the people who knew me before would not be able to recognize my personality now.  On that same note the church I was "saved" at and the church I finally got baptized at aren't even in the same state.  And my son and I were baptized on the same date.  :)

5) I'm a reality show addict.  Sorry.  Not like Survivor or Big Brother (I hate those shows) but shows like Swamp People, Ice Road Truckers, Top Shot.  All the ones on TLC, History or Discovery.

6) My favorite Disney Princess is Belle and I've always had a bit of a crush on Beast, you know before he turned into some girly looking Prince

7) Before I had kids, I was a work-a-holic.  Seriously, I worked 60-80 hours a week because I chose to.  Then when I wasn't scheduled to work, I was at work.  After I had my oldest, I stopped wanting to be at work all the time and wanted to be home more often.

And now to nominate blogs...to me it seems kind of redundant to nominate blogs so late in the game.  I think all the blogs have been nominated at least once and well deserved.  A part of me wants to just skip the whole nomination part and direct you all to my blog roll.  All these blogs wouldn't be on my blog roll if I didn't enjoy them.  But I would like to give a shout out to some that have made a difference in my blogging life for one reason or another.

So, in no particular order...

Ana at Governing Ana
Christina at Red Booty Woman
Susie at Her Mischief Managed
Hermione at Hermione's Heart
Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts
Stormy at Shelter in the Storm
June at The Dish with Ward and June
JJ at Waiting for Mr HOH
Blondie at Blondie's Blog
Emi at Veiled Obsessions
Tess at Rules to Love by
Julia at My Personal Thinking Spot
SNP at Slightly Naughty Princess

If you see your name/blog above and haven't been nominated yet, consider this your nomination.  However I'm pretty sure all of the above blogs are so awesome they've already been nominated at least once.

Warning Long, Feel Free to Just Skip This One

Warning, this is long, I even sidetrack more than once.  Feel free to skim or just skip this one completely.  There is some spanking at the end though if you do choose to read.

_________________________________________________________________________________

My husband will never truly understand what I go through on a daily basis with our kids and here's why, when I cook or clean the kids either disappear, stand there staring at me or ask me to do something for them right now despite the fact they can clearly see I'm busy, but when he cooks or cleans he's followed around my little people asking "can I help, Daddy, can I help?"  Completely not fair if you ask me.  So this has been building for a few days and I'm getting frustrated by it all.  Then one morning I get up to cook breakfast for the kids, get them all served and sat in front of the television.  Since everyone had gotten up kind of late that morning and I still needed time to eat my breakfast I had decided to extend their morning TV time by a half hour.  As I'm settling down at the computer to eat my breakfast everything let loose and chaos ensued.  I had to jump up and solve all the world's problems and I hadn't even eaten my breakfast yet.  I became very hurt and upset by this.  I felt the kids only viewed me as their house maid and not as a person or a member of the family.  Then I felt guilty by the way I was feeling.  This is all part of being a mom.  I began to doubt my abilities as a mom and felt somehow God had made a mistake.  I realize God never makes mistakes, but in this instance I felt like he'd ruined these poor kids' lives by making me their mom/step-mom.  I spent the rest of the day cleaning the whole house single handedly while the kids did their own thing.  By the time John got up I was pretty upset, but I tried to play it off like it was no big deal.  I don't like for people to see me as weak, I am superwoman don't you know.  Here's the thing, if I say "it's no big deal" then it's probably a big deal and John knows this.

We were supposed to go grocery shopping that evening so John wanted me to see if my mom would watch the kids and cook dinner.  Of course she agreed.  We didn't go grocery shopping although we did go to a store and bought something.  He had decided to surprise me with a date night because apparently I needed it.  So first we stopped by a local adult store and bought a new toy which I'm still embarrassed to say what it is and I will turn red from head to toe even if I just type it so I will leave that to your imaginations for now.  John here and it is a BUTT PLUG! Then we went to a local Mexican restaurant.  As we're sitting there enjoying each other's company and I was relaxing, John's stupid phone rang (a good reason why cell phones have no place on a date) and it was his work wanting him to work the next day on day shift.  He asked me to call my mom to see if she'd watch the kids.  I was OK with this so far since I worked the next night and would be sleeping during the day.  As I'm asking my mom, I say it's from 7-3 and John corrects me saying it's from 7-7.  What?!  Why 12 hours I thought everyone was working 8 hours now.  He explained to me that the particular job he was covering was still on 12s.  I was upset to say the least and wouldn't talk to him for the next several seconds.

I'm going to break off that story to share another one that happened on the 4th of July.  John came home from work the 3rd and told me he told his co-workers if they got busy on the 4th to call him and he would come help them.  Just as we're settling in for the night laying in bed each with beers in our hands going to spend a nice night after getting the kids tucked in they called and he left.  I was so mad.  Apparently I talk in my sleep when I'm mad because John said I had told him in my sleep that I felt his work family was more important to him then us at home.  John said that our surprise date night was to make up for him leaving me on the 4th. 

Now for the second time in less than 2 weeks he had agreed to work extra without even talking to me about it first.  I felt like he wasn't even taking into consideration what the extra hours did to me emotionally.  I think if he'd discussed things with me first I still would have been upset but would have understood, but I felt completely blindsided.

Now, back to our story...

John was getting frustrated and upset that I was shutting him out, he wanted to drag me to the bathroom to spank me then and there but I wasn't being submissive AT ALL.  I was hurt and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.  He finally got us to talk about it and he promised the next time he would talk to me before he agreed to anything.  Not saying he'll never work an extra shift ever again but at least I could be included.  And we went on to enjoy the rest of our dinner together.  Minus another little upset but this time it wasn't his fault.

Sidetrack again...Another reason cell phones should stay at home while having dates...His phone buzzed with a text message from a strange number reading "this is my new number" so he texted back asking who it was and the reply stated "your favorite ex-wife"  Ergh!  I hate that woman!  Honestly who does she think she is.  She's the EX wife, emphasis on EX.  I'm his wife and she needs to learn her place.  Seriously!  When John and I first started getting serious, she would send him pictures from when they were a family and from their wedding.  To this day she still tries to find time to talk to him without me and flirt with him.  She proceeded to text him about her upcoming nuptial which she utilizes every opening to discuss with him.  He soon to be husband is nothing but her boy-toy, that's what he was when she first started playing around with him while she was still married to John and that's really all he ever will be to her.  She's only marrying him now because John had the audacity to get remarried and be happy.  He just ignored her and texted that he would talk to her the next day.  What I really wanted was for him to tell her he was on a date with his WIFE and that he would talk to her the next day.

Okay again back to our story...We managed to finagle a pretty good evening at dinner and went home to enjoy some more couple time.  We had a fashion show on our front porch and I must say that I'm pretty impressed with what our girls can design with a sheet and some belts.  Then there was a play that re-enacted our proposal and wedding (very inaccurately I must say, but it was cute none the less).

Then after the kids were all tucked in, it was time for some reconnect.  OMG this was the first spanking I'd received since we left for our trip.  It was long and difficult.  He went through every implement in our arsenal.  Sometimes he spanked really hard and other times not quite so hard.  He tried different positions.  He even worked with me on holding position backing up his expectations with extra smacks on my thighs if I were to move.  He definitely left his mark with this one.  It's been a couple of days and I'm still feeling it.  Not to mention the huge embarrassing welt on the back of one of my thighs from when I tried to move out of position.  It was good to be pushed, at least now I know I can handle it, which is what John wanted me to see so I wouldn't be so scared in the future.  I felt very relaxed and serene the next day.  It's amazing how a spanking can do that.

If you've made it this far, congratulations!  It was a long rambling post and I apologize for that.  I needed to vent a few things while sharing this story.  When I get the nerve, I'll tell you about our new toy, but for now, I'm still to embarrassed.

Back on Track with Submission

After my last post I feel I should update you all especially after all the very sweet comments I got from Ana, Molly and Susie.

Yesterday was catch up on cleaning after working for a few days.  I constructed my to-do list remembering that I'm not supposed to obsess about cleaning so much.  I even put on which chores I would delegate to the children (I have a hard time delegating).  When John came home yesterday morning he asked to see my list.  I about jumped for joy, not really sure why, but it's nice knowing he cares enough to oversee what amount of stress I'm allowed to have.  He appreciated the delegations on the list.  "Yes, that's right, the KIDS will clean their rooms".  He made a few changes, not much.  He added that he will help make dinner (not make dinner for me) and that we will do it TOGETHER.  He also said the kids will clean up from dinner.

Then, I didn't have to ask for a thing to do while he was sleeping, he just told me "you will take the kids outside today, let them play in the sprinkler or pull out the slip 'n slide".  Again my heart fluttered.

I am much more relaxed and handled little issues with ease. I took the time to cook breakfast yesterday morning which made me feel good.  I enjoy doing things like that for my family and I've been so down lately I haven't felt it, but I woke up yesterday morning thinking the kids would enjoy pancakes and eggs.  I wish John could have joined us though.  I also cooked dinner the night before.  OK back track for a minute.  I love cooking for my family.  I'm not one of those people who dread dinner time and put it off to the last minute.  I plan tomorrow night's dinner while eating tonight's then I work on it all day.  Unfortunately, John loves cooking also, mostly bbqing but he likes to cook inside as well.  His schedule has changed so he doesn't have to go in until later so we have more time to prepare and eat dinner, so he's taken the opportunity to cook, but it made me feel left out or like I wasn't contributing.  So he let me cook dinner last night (OK he had his "guy" thing to do, so I had to) but I was elated.  Hence why we're cooking together.  Actually we're going to start cooking together more often.  It's a great way to spend time together and we'd both be doing something we love without leaving anyone out :).

I'm pretty sure I gained 100 pounds while on vacation and have been feeling kind of blah about it.  I had made a comment that I was going to stop eating all together to lose the weight.  John got pretty upset about it and made it a rule that I have to eat 3 meals a day.  I'm not much of a breakfast eater, but I tried.  I feel pretty good about it.  After I built my plate yesterday morning, I looked at it with a scrunched up face.  I really didn't want to eat it but I knew I had to at least try.  I only ate half of it (that made me wish John were here for breakfast a little more) but I actually had more energy yesterday than usual.  Not sure if it's because I wasn't as stressed as usual, because I ate breakfast or because I took my iron.  Maybe it's all 3.  But it feels good.

Today I got another approval but he did mention that the list was kind of long.  It was but it was a lot of little things that don't take long and I can get everything done by lunch time if I tried.  He said that I had to write a post :) and that we were spending time together this evening on our front porch.

Lost Submission

I seem to have lost some of my submissiveness since our vacation.  I was really nervous about going on vacation because we are still so new at this that I was worried we'd lose it.  I feel in a way we did.  Since being back it's been difficult getting back on routine with everything.  Getting used to work schedules again, getting kids back on task for chores, heck getting me back on task for chores.  All of that I can handle, but I seem to have forgotten that I don't run this show.  I'm back to trying to control my household my way.  My attitude hasn't returned full-fledged (thankfully because it can get pretty ugly around here when I don't get my way), but I used to do small little submissive things and I don't anymore.

An example, John would have to approve my to-do list before I could work on it.  He'd make changes to it as he sees fit, but since vacation I kind of went into captain-of-the-ship mode and created my own to-do list of my own accord then started barking out orders to get my kids back on real world time without a thought to John or getting his approval.

Another example is I used to ask him before he went to work or when he laid down during the day if there was something he would like me to do.  He'd usually give me some small task or tell me to take it easy or tell me to do something with the kids.  He helped me stay focused on what's important in our lives.  I haven't asked him even once since we've been back.

I think all this plus the stress of wanting a new job really badly it makes my tummy hurt has led to me being depressed today.  I actually started crying in church to the point we had to leave early and I had some people worried about me.  That kills me because I see now how much I've hurt people in the past before I started counseling and I never meant to hurt anyone, so I hate knowing I've hurt people now.

I shouldn't need John to help me feel submissive, I should do it.  This marriage isn't a game and I need to do my part in it.  My part is to be a submissive wife, so starting right now I'm going to start doing those little things again.  I'm going to make my to-do list for tomorrow and ask John to approve it, when he leaves for his "guy thing" tomorrow evening, I'm going to check what he would like me to do while he's away and I'm going to take my iron (yes, I've skipped a few days since we've been back, it hurt when John responded with "Baby, I don't want you not feeling well because you won't take your iron").

Wish me luck!

Whew!

Whew!  It took me some time to get caught up at work after being gone for 2 weeks then it was end of the month and I'm kind of responsible for all that too, so that's now done.  4th of July came and it was successful except the responsible schedule keeper that I am screwed up and got the custody schedule for my husband and his ex-wife backwards.  I thought we were supposed to have the girls in the evening but we were actually supposed to have them in the day, no one seemed to notice thankfully so it wasn't that big of a deal.  I don't like to stray from the court order with her because she could change her mind and we'd be screwed out of our time.  She did that last Christmas when we switched to accommodate our work schedules, she said it was fine until it was time for us to get the girls then she said she wasn't bringing them over and we weren't getting them, since our court ordered time had already passed, we were pretty much screwed.  She did finally relent but that situation left a bad taste in my mouth and I've been a stickler for the court ordered schedule ever since.  It's really sad but unfortunately true.

I hope all of you had a good holiday as well for those who celebrate.  We had originally planned on seeing 2 different fireworks shows but due to all the dry conditions, one of those shows was cancelled, thankfully the other one wan't and we still got to see it.  It was a good day with all 5 kids enjoying some holiday festivities and food and a really good fireworks display.

Then yesterday we got to take the kids to the lake to go swimming.  It was a nice day and I was surprised that it wasn't very busy since it was the day after the 4th I figured all the campers would still be there, but there wasn't a whole lot of people at the swimming beach.

So after 2 long days, today my son and I are still in our Pj's (it's almost lunch time) and the baby is running around in her diaper.  We're just laying around watching TV and playing on the Internet.  I'm working on some Dd related posts to be posted soon, just wanted to check in with you all.  :)

Honey, I'm Home! :)

Hello everyone, we're back from vacation.  It was an amazing and long overdue.  We spent our time reconnecting with old family, meeting new family and rekindling relationships with lost family. I wish I could tell you all everything we did and show off all our pictures but as we all know I can't :(.  I loved traveling across our beautiful country.  We drove through mountains and across plains, through rolling hills and through deserts.  We seen lakes and rivers and creeks and oceans.  It all so amazing and beautiful and I learned my son is a history buff just like his momma which makes me oh so proud.  I can't wait to plan trips to more history museums here in our home state.  :)

I've missed you guys though and we're glad to be back at home though not necessarily back to the real world and work, blech!  But I did come back with a gorgeous tan, I've always wanted to go on vacation and come home with a tan :).

Reconnection

I haven't been on blogger at all for 2 days.  No reading or anything, not even from my phone.  I've been in full swing trip preparation mode.  Sometimes I think I look forward to the preparation as much as the actual trip.  After working tirelessly for 2 days straight I have been ordered to "take it easy" today.  Ugh!  I hate it when he does that like it's so easy.  It will help that I have a pre-trip pedicure scheduled for later this afternoon (now do you know why I look forward to preparations?).  So here I am on blogger making up for lost time, catching up on reading/commenting and trying to distract myself from the mess the kids have made in my house that I want clean when we leave Monday morning (I like to come home from vacation to a clean house so I won't have to jump right into cleaning as soon as I arrive). 

I've also been ordered to post about our maintenance session the other night.

Saturday night, we got bad news from my husband's work.  He is no longer going to days.  The new person doing the schedule has decided my husband is too good of an employee to allow him to go to days and they want to give him a promotion for the night shift.  I started crying immediately after he told me, but I tried to suck it up.  I never intended on taking my hurt feelings out on him, it wasn't really his fault.  There wasn't a whole lot he could do.  I'd already began to descent into my depression pit and this news sent me spiraling quickly down, I almost couldn't catch myself.  To be honest, I went so fast it scared even me.  I'll write another post about that sometime since it would take a whole other post to explain what that feels like to someone who doesn't understand depression.

After having some really intense conversations with God Saturday night, we went to church Sunday morning where we discussed the importance of keeping God in the center of our marriage.  We talked about different ways a couple could keep their couple spirituality strong.  We discussed ways other couples have done it even with struggles in their schedules and it sunk it that while John and I have been doing a good job with our individual spirituality and our family spirituality, we've been failing with our couple spirituality (sorry for the tongue twister there) and that hurt me even more.  It was made worse to me that John felt like we had been doing a good job.  I wasn't in a good place inside and I felt myself losing connection with John.  I couldn't tell him how I was feeling.  One, I couldn't put it into word to understand and two, I'm still a little too good at hiding it.  Some patterns are so difficult to change.  I'm pretty sure he still doesn't understand how bad off I had been.  I was hurting and really bad.  (I'm actually tearing up remembering all of those feelings).

Monday I finally started to pull out of it.  I was still feeling very hurt inside and completely shaken by this experience, the worst it's been since John and I have been together, but I was starting to feel a little relief.  We had both worked Sunday night, so we slept during the day Monday and woke Monday afternoon.  We got in the shower together, not completely uncommon for us.  We usually shower together to save water and time, with 7 people living in our house and only 1 shower, it's easier for us to shower together.  It usually isn't a sexual experience though sometimes it does turn into that.  Usually I shower myself and he showers himself, but this time something intense happened.  I don't know if he somehow sensed I needed him so bad or what, but he washed me.  He washed my hair for me and soaped me up, not as a sexual thing but more as an "I'm here for you to help take care of you" thing.  He rubbed my shoulders.  The rest of the afternoon and into the evening I don't think he ever took his hands off me.  Again, not sexual.

Later that night we did end up having sex, but it wasn't normal sex.  I wasn't in the mood due to the hurt that was still inside.  My body kept trying to run away from his touching and kissing, but he wouldn't let me go anywhere.  I finally melted into him and submitted.  It was a lot of the same feelings/emotions I experience during a spanking only it was during sex.

Tuesday, I felt a whole world better.  I still wanted the reconnect spanking, so I asked for it (and as usual, immediately regretted asking, whatever am I thinking when I ask for one?).  Before hand I was nervous because I knew where I needed to go, I knew John knew where I needed to go, but I didn't really want to go there as much as I needed it.  He got me there.  He's good at it.

Today, I'm feeling more at ease, stressed yes, but if you knew me, you'd no that it's unavoidable with a 2 week family road trip coming up.  But it's normal stress, nothing that is causing me or anyone else discomfort.



P.S.  I'm going to try to type up the sister post to this one about my depression before our trip.  But if not, I promise to get it up as soon as we get back.



P.P.S.  I'm not usually so serious all the time.  I'm actually pretty goofy in real life.  Sometimes I think my blog portrays me as this melancholy serious person, but I'm actually really fun loving type.  I actually taught my kids how to roll down a grassy hill.

The Perfect Wife

I asked for Dd.  I asked him to take charge, to make the rules and to hold me accountable.  I asked him to spank, both for reconnect and for discipline.  I continue to ask for him to be strict with me, not to let things slide.  Why?

It's not that I'm flighty, inconsistent or immature.  I keep a clean house, take care of the kids, cook, keep schedules, allow my husband "guy" time.  I'm the "perfect" wife by any 1950s sitcom's standards.  So, what's the problem?

I try so hard to be the perfect wife, only I'm not in a 1950s sitcom married to some television charactar made up in some person's mind.  I'm married to my husband, a real man in 2012 in the real world and I truly desire to be his perfect wife, only I don't know (or I didn't know) what that is.  I needed his guidance to help me find it and Dd was the path we chose to take.  Are there other paths?  Sure!  But we chose Dd, together, as a couple.

Interestingly enough, he did not know what his perfect wife should act like before we started this journey because, well, in today's culture it's not OK for a man to think about stuff like that, but I wanted so bad to please him and not knowing what he wanted left me hanging and frustrated.  Now I have clear guidelines for what he wants in a wife.  What's important to him and what he doesn't care ass much about.  Knowing exactly what he wants has allowed me the confidence to be his perfect wife.  That's not to say that I must do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, because he doesn't want me to feel used or anything along those lines, but now I know what he wants and I can give him the gift of my submission.

John's perfect wife takes time to care for herself.  She makes time for herself to do what she wants.  She includes him in the household duties when he's available and handles them when he's not.  She irons his shirts and folds the socks but doesn't clean the kids' rooms.  She allows them to do it and if they don't, she allows him to deal with the kids, not go in and do it herself.  She allows him to sweep the floors while she switches laundry over, thus allowing more couple time.  She allows him to bathe the kids and tuck them in because he misses that.  I never knew that all that time I'd spent doing all the work so that he wouldn't have to, I was making him feel excluded from the family.

Also, since I'm not allowed to distance from him or shut him out anymore (this is a spankable offense) we have opened up the lines of communication between us.  I'm not perfect at this area yet, but I've improved and he now knows my feeling and what's important to me.  He strives to give me what I want as well.  He even puts his dirty cloths in the hamper now rather than on the floor.

We've still got a long way to go and we're far from perfect, but we've come so far in such a short period of time it makes it all seem so worth it.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My Dd life has been pretty boring here lately.  Not my life, just not a whole lot Dd related going on.  I did get a reconnect spanking while John and I were on a mini get away and that was nice.  We're hoping to have a more regular reconnect schedule when he switches his work schedule, new projected date will be July.

We did return from our mini get away, stayed in a near by city to see a concert for one of my favorite bands, met up with a couple friend of ours afterward and really connected with them.  I hardly know them because they're co-workers of my husband, but we really had a good time talking about love, life and marriage. Then we met with another couple of friends of ours for lunch the next day and caught up with them.  All in all it was a nice trip.

I am lucky enough that I'm pmsing now, which is a good thing.  I didn't start the pmsing until we got back from our mini get away and I'll be done when we head out on the road for our family trip here in about a week.  Perfect timing this time, which is weird for it since it likes to make its appearance when it's most inconvenient.

I don't know how often I'll be able to post with the upcoming road trip.  Packing and planning is key to successful trip and over the next week I'm going to be running like a chicken with my head cut off tyring to get everything ready to go, then we're going on our trip for 2 weeks.  I'll try to blog at least one more time before we leave though. 

So, of course after I type this, I get snappy with John and sent for a time-out in my room.  I know that sounds so childish in a way, that my husband gives me time-outs, but when I'm just being grumpy, sometimes I just need a time-out to re-group.  We've been incorporating that a lot lately because John doesn't want to have to spank me every time I'm grumpy since not every incident is worth a spanking.  Sometimes a time-out works wonders.

Also, John says that when the 3 book box set for 50 Shades of Gray comes out June 12, he's going to find a Barnes and Noble to stop at and pick it up.  I'm excited because I have been really wanting to read it and now my real life friend even said it's really good.

A Dd Conversation

Sometimes when people think of Dd, they think of spanking or a list of rules and consequences.  Today, I would like to share with you a conversation we had yesterday that really brought to our attentions the whole dynamic of Dd.

We've been dealing with a certain behavioral issue with our son for a while now and I had come up with a disciplinary method we could try.  I brought it up to John and he agreed it sounded like a good idea, so we went with it.  The problem is that when it comes to our son, John tries to deal with him on his own and keep me completely out of the loop, so he never told me when John Jr was in trouble so that I could enforce our agreed upon discipline.  Then, yesterday, John Jr did it again and John stepped in to deal with it leaving me completely unaware there was an issue, but instead of utilizing my disciplinary method, he came up with one on his own without even discussing it with me.  When he told me about the punishment he had dealt our son, I was hurt and I snapped at him "Really!?  Really?!"  then walked off. 

I could have stayed and yelled at him about how he had completely disregarded my ideas and made his own, but instead I knew I was heated and left the conversation.  John could have taken my leaving as a symbol of my disrespect for him but instead he went in to our room and calmly yet firmly called me in there.  He didn't become defensive at all as he would have done pre-Dd.  When he called me, I didn't want to go, I wanted to sit in the other room and fume at him, but I knew he was the HOH and when  he summons me to the bedroom I had better go.  So I went.  He started off by saying that any attitude would not be tolerated, but that he was willing to discuss the matter with me further.  We did calmly and he realized that he had hurt my feelings my coming up with his own solution without discussing it with me after we agreed on another solution. 

We came up with a compromise that would allow him to not take back what he had already set as a punishment but instead limit it for the day, continue on with my idea for the time frame we agreed on and in the future, John will be sure to let me know if John Jr is in trouble so I can enforce it.  He agreed to give it another chance and if he feels it's not working to discuss other disciplinary options with me before handing them out.

I know this sounds so mundane, but pre-Dd, this situation could have played out completely differently.  It could have included yelling and screaming hurtful words, slamming doors, stomping off and sulking, the silent treatment, eventual tears, then we would have been back in the bedroom but crying trying to figure out how to take back the precious 24 hours and fix what we hurt in our relationship and our son's behavior would have gone unpunished in the midst of all that.

Sometimes Dd isn't just about spanking and rules, sometimes it means one person can take charge of a disagreement and steer the conversation in a more respectful direction.

In Response to JJ

JJ at Waiting for Mr. HOH asked a question on her blog.  She asked "Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?"

Here's my answer:

We discussed this at length when we went through premarital counseling and I'd like to share what I learned here.  Before John and I met, we felt there was no way anyone would ever come before our children.  Our children were a part of our lives first and they would be more important than our spouse.  We knew the model of God first, spouse second and children third but we had no intentions of living by that even though we were both Christians and we weren't going to marry anyone who didn't understand our children would come first.

In premarital counseling though we discussed how, yes we should put our spouse first but we should marry someone who wouldn't make us choose between the two.  We also discussed that the relationship and the love you have for your spouse is not the same as the love you have for your children.  So it's more like we're comparing apples and oranges here.

Our pastor described the concept of spouse first and children second as not allowing your children to play parents against each other.  That we should provide a united front to the children and not allow them to come in between us.  This in turn gives them a sense of stability.  If your spouse hands out a discipline to a child that the child feel is excessive they may try to convince you of it.  If you agree with the child then you and the child can get into a discussion about how daddy's so unfair, you may not back his decision and your child and you sort of go behind his back and unrestrict the child.  This creates a feeling in your spouse that what he says is not important in the household, if this is something that continues for a period of time, your spouse will spend time other places that make him feel important.  The better choice is to explain to your child that this is what dad has decided is fair and uphold his decision.  If you feel he was unfair, you may discuss the issue with him behind closed doors, away from the child.


I feel like since we're in a blended family situation, it is actually even more important that we keep each other as top priority.  There are several reasons I feel this way.  One is because we didn't have that time before kids to cultivate a strong marriage, another reason is that both sets of step kids feel like their step-parent has encroached on their territory.  We were 2 set up families with 2 ways of doing things, so when we blended the families, each family had to give up some of their routine.  This made both kids feel like the other family "ruined" their lives, causing each to act out to the step-parent and to tell their bio parent that the step-parent was doing mean things to them.  Also, since it was just my husband and my stepdaughters before us and me and my kids before them, the kids weren't used to sharing their parent, now they have to share with more kids and another adult.  Frequently I've been shoved away from my husband by a step-daughter.  If they had their way, John and I would have no physical contact while they were here.  In the beginning I felt like every other week I stopped being a wife.  Of course I discussed this with my husband and we've worked on it with the kids.


She also asked how we make it clear to our kids.  We've sat down and had discussions with them about how the parent/child relationship is different then that of a spouse.  (we spoke in kids terms).  We talked to them about how everyone is born with the capacity to love the whole world as Jesus has so the fact that our family has gotten bigger just means there's more love in the family.  We have date nights, but I also work diligently to find fun unique things to do with the kids as well.  We also make one-on-one time with our bio kids so they don't feel as abandoned.  We have made it clear that if John and I are in our room with the door shut, they are to leave us alone.


Closing thoughts:
Without the marriage, there would be no family, but once an adult has children they now have a responsibility to that child to raise and nurture him/her to be a good adult.  If you don't nurture your marriage while the children are still growing, then what will you be left with when the children move out?  (this is what my parents experienced, I was an adult when they divorced).

Snapping Got Me the Hairbrush :(

Thank you to all my readers for your patience while I focused on my busy schedule over this long weekend.  I responded to all of your comments on the last two posts so if you commented head over to them to check our my repsonses.  I appreciated everyone's comments of support always.  My husband is still getting the new schedule but it's going to be a little later than originally anticipated.  They have to work just a couple of kinks the popped up.  It will happen shortly after we return from our trip which we're leaving on in a couple of weeks anyway so we won't even notice the extended timeline.

So anyways, over my long weekend I received a punishment and here's the story for you all and for John as there's an important message for him in it from me.  Enjoy!

We were at church this past Sunday morning.  Neither one of us had gotten much sleep so far over the weekend and we weren't done yet.  He had asked a simple question.  He wanted to know if I'd be OK with us skipping Sunday school.  I got really upset and whiny and maybe a bit snippy.  He was just too tired to deal with my irrational behavior, so he shut me out.  After we got all the kids dropped off at their Sunday school classes and before we got to ours, he pulled me aside and said very sternly "I will deal with you later".  The strange thing is a part of me actually felt releived.  We both ended up enjoying Sunday school but were ready for bed by the time we headed home.

Once we got home there was no punishment.  I understood that, we'd both been up all night.  What got me upset again was that he said he felt he had baited me and there would be no punishment at all.  I was really upset about this and I began to shut down emotionally.  I began to feel like he wasn't taking this dynamic seriously, our marriage seriously or me seriously. 

After we woke up he finally dragged it out of me what I was feeling.  He told me that since he was tired, he felt that he had mistook what I had said, but since I seemed to agree my attitude was out of line, he decided to spank me for it.  So out to the garage we went.  I was thinking "wait, no actually I think I'm good now, glad we had this talk now let's cuddle before you have to go to work".  I confuse even myself sometimes.

It hurt...a lot.  He used his hand, the ping pong paddle and that stupid hairbrush.  There was barely even a warmup if you could call it that.  For some reason all my logical reasoning goes out of the window during a spanking.  Is it really smart to yell at your HOH that he's spanking you wrong while bare bottomed over his lap with a hairbrush in his hand?  It's not?  Oops!  Yeah I did yell at him.  I yelled at him for spanking too hard, for not doing a warmup and didn't he remember it'd been a while since my last maintanence?  The I shouted at him "you just don't care do you?".  That's when he grabbed my hip, pulled me in and continued spanking but now it was faster and harder.  :(  I went limp and began to cry.  I know it's in those moments he probably doubts himself and wonder if he should be more lenient.  In case he has any doubts about continuing on after I yelled at him that he didn't care, I want him to know that it was somewhat comforting to me that he didn't let me take over and end the spanking then.  I'm glad he continued until I got that release I needed.   I stopped fighting him and flailing around then.  It ended pretty quickly.

Afterward, I felt at peace and I was glad he had continued after I yelled at him.  He does listen to me.  :)  He said I was glowing after the spanking and he was just talking about my bottom.  He says I just get the air about me afterwards like I'm floating on a cloud and in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm floating.

I'm Not Going Anywhere

I just wanted to hop in to let everyone know I'm not dropping off the face of the earth, I just have a very busy weekend.  I'm still reading your blogs, but I cannot comment from my phone.  I'm actually writing this as I shove food in my mouth for the first time today before heading for a nap before work tonight.  I also can't respond to each of your very nice comments on my last post.  I will come Wednesday (barring any unforeseen circumstances) and respond to your comments.

Thank you all again for your very kind support, I will never be able to express what it means to me adequately with words.

A parting thought though, we're getting ready to head on a family road trip next month and we'll be in very close quarters with each other and our children for 2 weeks leaving no time for "adult" time.  I'm wondering if any of you have any ideas or suggestions on how to keep this dynamic going even while we're on our trip?

When Our Bodies Fail Us

John works overnights and is only off a few days a week.  This means when he is off, I have to share him.  I share him with the kids, I share him with his friends, I share him with his own personal free time and I share him with his household chores.  Sometimes this doesn't leave me much time, if any.  And usually he's a zombie.

Last night, we were both barely staying awake until we put the kids to bed.  Once we finally got the kids to bed, we were both too tired for any sort of time together.  No spanking, no sex.  It's been a while since I received maintenance and I was hoping for one last night, but that didn't happen.  He tried to have sex with me, but that didn't work very well either.  We were both just too tired.

These times can be very frustrating for me since it's been a while since we did anything and I know it'll be a while before we'll even have another chance and then just it may end up like last night again.  Last Sunday night was a good night for us, but since then it's been pretty boring around here. He worked, then when he was off, he was too tired for anything, then I work, we both work, then I'm off but her works, then he's off but I work.  So the next time we'll have a chance for time together is Monday 28th.

The good news though, is next Sunday he officially switches to 8 hour day shifts!  I'm so excited!  It will be nice to start to feel like a normal family again.  When his job started talking about switching to 8 hour shifts, we were nervous.  We were afraid he'd get one of the 3 possible shifts that would hurt our family time even more, but instead he got the best option for our family.  My family is breathing a sigh of relief.

And I did get some bedroom time with him after I woke up this afternoon.  :)

2 Anniversaries

Well, John and I discussed it and have decided to share the 2 anniversaries story with you all (woohoo!) and if anyone recognizes the story, we'll deny it was us and you can't prove anything!  Those people just have a very similar life as us.  :)

Dream Wedding(s):
Most little girls have a dream wedding in their heads.  Since I was 16 I knew the kind of wedding I wanted and all I had to do was insert groom's name.  OK, there was a little more planning that went into me planning my wedding, but you get the idea.  I wanted a big garden wedding in August with flower girls and bridesmaids and groomsmen and an acoustic guitar.  Afterward, I wanted everybody to go to a hall for a huge dance party and party all night dancing and drinking and having a good time.  But, there was another vision of the perfect wedding day in my poor, little, confused and complicated head.  I wanted to stand in a church before God with only our witnesses and our pastor and pledge to commit myself to my spouse.  Sweet, romantic and sincere.  I also wanted rain on my wedding day (because it's good luck you know).   How can I have a big, beautiful garden wedding and rain?  I'm a walking contradiction (shakes head).

The Story:
I have a confession to make.  When John and I first met, he was still married (legally).  He was still married when we started dating, still married when we decided to get married ourselves and still married when we chose a wedding date.  And he was still married when that wedding date came around.  Now before you all gasp and wag your fingers at us, his divorce literally took 4 years.  That's a long time to wait to move on with your life.  Especially since she moved on when they were still together.  You know living together, having sex together, not just married by a piece of paper, but still together.

We didn't plan for our relationship to go the direction it did.  I truly believe, and so does John, that there was a bigger power involved in our relationship.  We decided to get married about the time we decided to sleep together and about the time I got pregnant.  We tried to keep our decision to get married a secret for a while, at least until his divorce was final.  There was a date set for the divorce to go through sometime in December.  I wanted an August wedding, so we picked August of the following year, picked a tentative date and still attempted to keep things a secret, at least from her.  We had to inform out of state family about our chosen date so they could plan their trip out.  The witch found out our plans to get married, not the date though and as we suspected, she held up the divorce.  To me, it's amazing an individual can hold up the whole process when it's so painfully obvious she doesnt't care about the marriage.

We held up our wedding planning for a little bit and waited to see how long she could really drag this process out.  There wasn't much for them to fight over.  He left her everything, they lost their house and were already living in separate houses, no debts, they weren't married long enough for her to qualify for alimony, so there was just the $3,000 of his retirement plan of which she only qualified for half of half.  The lawyers both agreed it'd be done by April.  Nope.  Court dates kept being postponed and continuations filed.  It was a circus and honestly the biggest joke I've ever seen.  She actually told people she was holding things off until our wedding date (which she never really figured out) hoping I would leave when I didn't get my wedding.  That's when we decided to go along with the preplanned wedding date and made a back up plan in case we couldn't get legally married on that day.  We had a family friend lead the ceremony and chose vows the were more declarations of our love rather than a pronouncement of a married couple.  And we had my big garden wedding.  It was beautiful and we partied all night, I don't think there was a minute I wasn't on the dance floor and we had a good time.  We put in our programs that it wasn't a legal ceremony but rather a celebration of 2 people committed to each other.

The divorce was quickly finalized after that and we had our second wedding the following May.  In our church with our 2 best friends and our pastor who'd counseled us along the way.  I bought a white cocktail dress to wear and we had a very intimate ceremony and I cried.  John surprised me with a second wedding band to symbolize this equally important day.  And it rained!  :)

So there you have it folks.  I have 2 anniversaries, I got 2 wedding bands, wore 2 wedding dresses and got both my dream weddings all because of someone who was jealous and vindictive.  In her attempt to ruin my perfect day, she actually helped to make it more perfect than I could have imagined.  :)