Sunday, July 8, 2012

Lost Submission

I seem to have lost some of my submissiveness since our vacation.  I was really nervous about going on vacation because we are still so new at this that I was worried we'd lose it.  I feel in a way we did.  Since being back it's been difficult getting back on routine with everything.  Getting used to work schedules again, getting kids back on task for chores, heck getting me back on task for chores.  All of that I can handle, but I seem to have forgotten that I don't run this show.  I'm back to trying to control my household my way.  My attitude hasn't returned full-fledged (thankfully because it can get pretty ugly around here when I don't get my way), but I used to do small little submissive things and I don't anymore.

An example, John would have to approve my to-do list before I could work on it.  He'd make changes to it as he sees fit, but since vacation I kind of went into captain-of-the-ship mode and created my own to-do list of my own accord then started barking out orders to get my kids back on real world time without a thought to John or getting his approval.

Another example is I used to ask him before he went to work or when he laid down during the day if there was something he would like me to do.  He'd usually give me some small task or tell me to take it easy or tell me to do something with the kids.  He helped me stay focused on what's important in our lives.  I haven't asked him even once since we've been back.

I think all this plus the stress of wanting a new job really badly it makes my tummy hurt has led to me being depressed today.  I actually started crying in church to the point we had to leave early and I had some people worried about me.  That kills me because I see now how much I've hurt people in the past before I started counseling and I never meant to hurt anyone, so I hate knowing I've hurt people now.

I shouldn't need John to help me feel submissive, I should do it.  This marriage isn't a game and I need to do my part in it.  My part is to be a submissive wife, so starting right now I'm going to start doing those little things again.  I'm going to make my to-do list for tomorrow and ask John to approve it, when he leaves for his "guy thing" tomorrow evening, I'm going to check what he would like me to do while he's away and I'm going to take my iron (yes, I've skipped a few days since we've been back, it hurt when John responded with "Baby, I don't want you not feeling well because you won't take your iron").

Wish me luck!

10 comments:

  1. "I shouldn't need John to help me feel submissive, I should do it."

    Oh, Suzie. :( *hugs* Submission isn't a DIY thing. Give yourself a break. It's a big upheaval, as you say, to change gears. It's OKAY that it's taking you a little while to adjust. Expecting yourself to suddenly jump right back into your pre-vacation rhythm is only setting you up for feeling bad.

    Can you submit, not by tormenting yourself about imperfect, but by seeing yourself as John does? Take care of your health. Take your iron. Take it easy when he asks you to. Take some deep breaths and let yourself relax. If that means a crying fit, so be it. You won't die, and neither will the people who care about you.

    Remember that post you wrote a while ago?

    http://suzieplus6.blogspot.com/2012/06/perfect-wife.html

    "John's perfect wife takes time to care for herself. She makes time for herself to do what she wants. She includes him in the household duties when he's available and handles them when he's not. She irons his shirts and folds the socks but doesn't clean the kids' rooms. She allows them to do it and if they don't, she allows him to deal with the kids, not go in and do it herself. She allows him to sweep the floors while she switches laundry over, thus allowing more couple time. She allows him to bathe the kids and tuck them in because he misses that. I never knew that all that time I'd spent doing all the work so that he wouldn't have to, I was making him feel excluded from the family."

    *hugs*

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    1. Thank you for reminding me of that post. I guess I just expected to come home and everything would go back to normal but I got frustrated with myself for not being able to adjust smoothly.

      I'm doing better today, so thank you!

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    2. So glad to hear you are feeling a little better today. We have enough people being hard on ourselves that we don't need to add ourselves to that mix. :)

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  2. Suzie,
    Don't be too hard on yourself. Our last year vacation felt very much like this. It took all sorts of time to readjust when we came back. This year it was easier...and next time it will be so for you too.

    Your plans are great. I really like the idea of beginning to do those little things where you remind yourself to defer to him. They will help him too.

    This will pass...you haven't lost anything.

    Now take that iron...:)

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    1. It's comforting both to know we're not the only ones and that it will be easier next time.

      Having him approve my to-do list for both today and tomorrow really helped today and I've been more at ease today.

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  3. Baby, you have not lost anything! I love you and wish you could she yourself as I do, there is not a single thing i can point out that I dont like. I love your little smart mouth and the fact that while im away working, providing for our family, you can take charge and think on your feet! I will help get you back on track if that is what you want? With the new schedule and everything else it has just been crazy and i try to spend every min with you and the kids! I hope you know that i love you very much and i need you even more in my life.

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  4. Don't beat yourself up too much! When things are out of routine it is so hard to keep everything together. Sounds like you are on the right track back to normal. I hope things get better for you quickly.

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    1. Thank you, Molly! I am feeling much better today :)

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  5. I had to come read this post after I read your post today.
    Glad things are better and loved that your husband left such a nice comment for you here:) hugs.

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    1. Thank you, SNP! Every once in a while he leaves a comment on my posts and it makes me smile every time he does.

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