I'm going to try to write this so that you all can understand.
I consider myself to be a realist or a recovering pessimist. I'm not an optimist nor do I feel I am a pessimist either. Let me explain (as best I can). An optimist looks for the good in every situation. I don't. A pessimist looks for the bad in every situation. I don't do that either, though I used to. I see obstacles, I may not be able to predict them, but I know they'll be there, always. That's what I do. Example, I have never believed in "happily ever after". All you ladies know about fairy tales right? Girl meet her Prince Charming (I've never liked that guy by the way, too suave if you ask me), falls in love, he falls in love with her, it's love at first sight, they get married and live happily ever after with no problems ever. Bills are always paid, children well mannered and never an argument between them. Except, I have never believed in that. I always knew when I married there would be days I liked my husband immensely and there would be days I'd not like him as much. I also knew my future husband would have the same feelings about me. I knew we'd argue occasionally and since I know myself pretty well, I knew we'd argue more than occasionally. But I knew if we were committed to each other and our marriage, it would be OK in the end. See? Realist.
I feel like my blog comes off as very negative sometimes or that I'm depressed all the time. That's truly not me, it's just that sometimes, this is the only place I can vent about things that are bothering me. In real life, I'm actually pretty happy (being a realist does that actually, I already know life's not perfect so I just don't expect much from it and I am content with it). Ana said in her Lovely Blogger Award post that one of her favorite things I wrote was about when I was playing with my son at the park and he got his arm bit off by a shark (in pretend). She went on to say that I sound like the kind of mom who not only let's her kids have pillow fights, but joins them as well. I think that most accurately describes how I am in real life. I am a big kid at heart. I might be a realist but it doesn't mean I don't have imagination. I still (pretend to) believe in fairies and dragons and mermaids. I still don't like Prince Charming though, he's very arrogant if you ask me. I am the first one up Christmas morning waking all the kids up (isn't that backwards?), I try to smile at strangers in the grocery store and I relate to children much more than I do adults. I skip :). I love to dance and sing (though off key, sorry) as loud as I can. I love attending my kids' "concerts" in our living room and will act as if I'm at a real concert. I do this stuff in public as well and I don't care who's giving me dirty looks.
I try very hard to be a good friend. If I haven't heard from a good friend in a while, I try to reach out and see how he/she is doing. I ask about their lives and say "how are you doing" and I really want to know.
I've grown to really appreciate and like all my readers and especially those who comment. I want you all to see this positive side of me a little more. I consider you my friends and I feel my friends should be able to appreciate my company. (that sounded very arrogant but I don't mean it like "you all should be appreciative that I'm your friend" but more that I take responsibility for who I am to you and I should be a good friend to you).
So, that leads me to why I shut down when I'm hurting like I am. I do it because I want you to see the positive side of me. I want to be a good friend to you and not weigh you down with all my insecurities and depression. When I was younger I used to be a cutter. I was very selfish back then. I hurt a lot of people very dear to me during that time. I never got the chance to tell them all how sorry I am because they all left me long before I came to terms with everything. They couldn't handle all of the emotional stress I had unknowingly put on them. I still to this day feel so guilty for putting so much on them, I don't want to do that to my friends today. My friends today include all of you.
So I guess that's why I tend to withdraw when I hurt. I wanted you all to understand that.
((hugs)) Thank you for sharing yourself. I too blog a lot of feelings, and feel like sometimes I come off as depressed or whiny even.
ReplyDeleteI also withdraw and use it as a tool. It's hard to overcome.
Your post hits home to me in many places.
I'm glad you write, be it good things, bad, depressing, it's all good here in blogland.
Thank you, Emi. I don't see your blog as whiny. Honest but not whiny and honest is good.
DeleteThank you for your support.
((hugs))
Darling Suzie,
ReplyDeleteI am a little bit angry that you feel a need to show that you are "okay" and mostly quite happy and that you really aren't that negative and depressed.
I'm not angry at you...I am angry that somehow you have gotten the message (internally or externally) that this blog has to be anything else than what *YOU* need it to be. If you need to write a rant every single day because it gets stuff out and then you can go back to enjoying time with your family (now that you've gotten the ranty stuff out), then that is awesome.
We care about you, but please don't ever write this blog for us. You don't need to show us that you are okay. This is a safe space for you to be okay or not okay. No one is here to judge.
Please, just be yourself. Happy or unhappy, it's okay.
But...all of that said...I understand wanting to withdraw when things are difficult. Sometime what we are hurting with (I know, bad grammar) is too sensitive to let others see. Maybe we will be judged or misunderstood. Maybe we just aren't ready yet. I have some things going on that I can't blog about yet because it is too raw and too painful. That's okay, too.
Longest comment ever, I think. But I just like hearing from you. That's all. You don't have to be a certain way or come across a certain way. And if you feel that you are ranting and it helps you to rant, then go ahead by all means.
Hugs.
I'm sure it's not the longest post ever :) I do appreciate this comment, along with all the others you leave.
DeleteThank you for all of your support.
You're right, I started this blog for me and that's who I should write for.
I hope things on your end get worked out soon. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through now.
Thanks for sharing this, Suzie. I don't get a pessimistic vibe from your blog, but either way, this is your space to pour out whatever you need! I like your view about being a realist...that your happy because you already know life's not perfect so you're not let down when it's not. Looking at it that way makes it easier to see the good, beautiful things I think. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tess. I get told sometimes (by people who really don't matter) that I'm just a pessimist in denial, but I don't agree with them.
DeleteThank you again for your support.
I think that I do this too ... even online, I try to project the best version of myself possible, so as not to worry any readers that might be concerned, or accidentally write the "wrong" post and lose readers. Blogging is supposed to be a place of solace and understanding, but most people do tend to write more when things are going badly, or when thoughts won't subside. But when things get to be even more than that, readers should make sure to understand that withdrawing is also a form of communication... it's not a personal thing.
ReplyDeleteHope that you feel better :)
Thank you, S. I think writing when things are not going so well is a natural coping tool and that's one of the reasons I turn to my blog.
DeleteI have never gotten the feeling that your blog was pessimistic. I think every DD couple has challengs and tough times and where else can we go to talk about them?? DD definitely isn't a bed of roses and neither is life and I hope you feel free to share with us when things are tough.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Molly. Life isn't easy, but it can be fun. I appreciate that you all have been here for me.
DeleteI have sincerely never read pessimism and at the same time, I truly understand the shutting down. It's okay and you are so clearly working on it, especially in how it plays out in your family life. I picture you as very bubbly and a great mom. At the end of the day Suzie, we read here no matter what you write because we have come to like YOU! On the good days and the bad days, the up and the down. It's a kinda fun way to do friendship.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Susie. I forget sometimes that part of friendship is that I can turn to my friends for help and support as well as giving it.
DeleteThank you for your support and for your friendship.
Suzie, big hugs to you. I like you just the way you are. And I would want to be your friend if we lived close by. Being realistic is good. Thanks for explaining. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Blondie. I would love to be friends in real life too with you and other bloggers.
DeleteThank you for you support.
((hugs))
Holding you in prayer and hoping that you are well.
ReplyDelete