Reconnection

I haven't been on blogger at all for 2 days.  No reading or anything, not even from my phone.  I've been in full swing trip preparation mode.  Sometimes I think I look forward to the preparation as much as the actual trip.  After working tirelessly for 2 days straight I have been ordered to "take it easy" today.  Ugh!  I hate it when he does that like it's so easy.  It will help that I have a pre-trip pedicure scheduled for later this afternoon (now do you know why I look forward to preparations?).  So here I am on blogger making up for lost time, catching up on reading/commenting and trying to distract myself from the mess the kids have made in my house that I want clean when we leave Monday morning (I like to come home from vacation to a clean house so I won't have to jump right into cleaning as soon as I arrive). 

I've also been ordered to post about our maintenance session the other night.

Saturday night, we got bad news from my husband's work.  He is no longer going to days.  The new person doing the schedule has decided my husband is too good of an employee to allow him to go to days and they want to give him a promotion for the night shift.  I started crying immediately after he told me, but I tried to suck it up.  I never intended on taking my hurt feelings out on him, it wasn't really his fault.  There wasn't a whole lot he could do.  I'd already began to descent into my depression pit and this news sent me spiraling quickly down, I almost couldn't catch myself.  To be honest, I went so fast it scared even me.  I'll write another post about that sometime since it would take a whole other post to explain what that feels like to someone who doesn't understand depression.

After having some really intense conversations with God Saturday night, we went to church Sunday morning where we discussed the importance of keeping God in the center of our marriage.  We talked about different ways a couple could keep their couple spirituality strong.  We discussed ways other couples have done it even with struggles in their schedules and it sunk it that while John and I have been doing a good job with our individual spirituality and our family spirituality, we've been failing with our couple spirituality (sorry for the tongue twister there) and that hurt me even more.  It was made worse to me that John felt like we had been doing a good job.  I wasn't in a good place inside and I felt myself losing connection with John.  I couldn't tell him how I was feeling.  One, I couldn't put it into word to understand and two, I'm still a little too good at hiding it.  Some patterns are so difficult to change.  I'm pretty sure he still doesn't understand how bad off I had been.  I was hurting and really bad.  (I'm actually tearing up remembering all of those feelings).

Monday I finally started to pull out of it.  I was still feeling very hurt inside and completely shaken by this experience, the worst it's been since John and I have been together, but I was starting to feel a little relief.  We had both worked Sunday night, so we slept during the day Monday and woke Monday afternoon.  We got in the shower together, not completely uncommon for us.  We usually shower together to save water and time, with 7 people living in our house and only 1 shower, it's easier for us to shower together.  It usually isn't a sexual experience though sometimes it does turn into that.  Usually I shower myself and he showers himself, but this time something intense happened.  I don't know if he somehow sensed I needed him so bad or what, but he washed me.  He washed my hair for me and soaped me up, not as a sexual thing but more as an "I'm here for you to help take care of you" thing.  He rubbed my shoulders.  The rest of the afternoon and into the evening I don't think he ever took his hands off me.  Again, not sexual.

Later that night we did end up having sex, but it wasn't normal sex.  I wasn't in the mood due to the hurt that was still inside.  My body kept trying to run away from his touching and kissing, but he wouldn't let me go anywhere.  I finally melted into him and submitted.  It was a lot of the same feelings/emotions I experience during a spanking only it was during sex.

Tuesday, I felt a whole world better.  I still wanted the reconnect spanking, so I asked for it (and as usual, immediately regretted asking, whatever am I thinking when I ask for one?).  Before hand I was nervous because I knew where I needed to go, I knew John knew where I needed to go, but I didn't really want to go there as much as I needed it.  He got me there.  He's good at it.

Today, I'm feeling more at ease, stressed yes, but if you knew me, you'd no that it's unavoidable with a 2 week family road trip coming up.  But it's normal stress, nothing that is causing me or anyone else discomfort.



P.S.  I'm going to try to type up the sister post to this one about my depression before our trip.  But if not, I promise to get it up as soon as we get back.



P.P.S.  I'm not usually so serious all the time.  I'm actually pretty goofy in real life.  Sometimes I think my blog portrays me as this melancholy serious person, but I'm actually really fun loving type.  I actually taught my kids how to roll down a grassy hill.