Sunday, May 27, 2012

A Dd Conversation

Sometimes when people think of Dd, they think of spanking or a list of rules and consequences.  Today, I would like to share with you a conversation we had yesterday that really brought to our attentions the whole dynamic of Dd.

We've been dealing with a certain behavioral issue with our son for a while now and I had come up with a disciplinary method we could try.  I brought it up to John and he agreed it sounded like a good idea, so we went with it.  The problem is that when it comes to our son, John tries to deal with him on his own and keep me completely out of the loop, so he never told me when John Jr was in trouble so that I could enforce our agreed upon discipline.  Then, yesterday, John Jr did it again and John stepped in to deal with it leaving me completely unaware there was an issue, but instead of utilizing my disciplinary method, he came up with one on his own without even discussing it with me.  When he told me about the punishment he had dealt our son, I was hurt and I snapped at him "Really!?  Really?!"  then walked off. 

I could have stayed and yelled at him about how he had completely disregarded my ideas and made his own, but instead I knew I was heated and left the conversation.  John could have taken my leaving as a symbol of my disrespect for him but instead he went in to our room and calmly yet firmly called me in there.  He didn't become defensive at all as he would have done pre-Dd.  When he called me, I didn't want to go, I wanted to sit in the other room and fume at him, but I knew he was the HOH and when  he summons me to the bedroom I had better go.  So I went.  He started off by saying that any attitude would not be tolerated, but that he was willing to discuss the matter with me further.  We did calmly and he realized that he had hurt my feelings my coming up with his own solution without discussing it with me after we agreed on another solution. 

We came up with a compromise that would allow him to not take back what he had already set as a punishment but instead limit it for the day, continue on with my idea for the time frame we agreed on and in the future, John will be sure to let me know if John Jr is in trouble so I can enforce it.  He agreed to give it another chance and if he feels it's not working to discuss other disciplinary options with me before handing them out.

I know this sounds so mundane, but pre-Dd, this situation could have played out completely differently.  It could have included yelling and screaming hurtful words, slamming doors, stomping off and sulking, the silent treatment, eventual tears, then we would have been back in the bedroom but crying trying to figure out how to take back the precious 24 hours and fix what we hurt in our relationship and our son's behavior would have gone unpunished in the midst of all that.

Sometimes Dd isn't just about spanking and rules, sometimes it means one person can take charge of a disagreement and steer the conversation in a more respectful direction.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

In Response to JJ

JJ at Waiting for Mr. HOH asked a question on her blog.  She asked "Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?"

Here's my answer:

We discussed this at length when we went through premarital counseling and I'd like to share what I learned here.  Before John and I met, we felt there was no way anyone would ever come before our children.  Our children were a part of our lives first and they would be more important than our spouse.  We knew the model of God first, spouse second and children third but we had no intentions of living by that even though we were both Christians and we weren't going to marry anyone who didn't understand our children would come first.

In premarital counseling though we discussed how, yes we should put our spouse first but we should marry someone who wouldn't make us choose between the two.  We also discussed that the relationship and the love you have for your spouse is not the same as the love you have for your children.  So it's more like we're comparing apples and oranges here.

Our pastor described the concept of spouse first and children second as not allowing your children to play parents against each other.  That we should provide a united front to the children and not allow them to come in between us.  This in turn gives them a sense of stability.  If your spouse hands out a discipline to a child that the child feel is excessive they may try to convince you of it.  If you agree with the child then you and the child can get into a discussion about how daddy's so unfair, you may not back his decision and your child and you sort of go behind his back and unrestrict the child.  This creates a feeling in your spouse that what he says is not important in the household, if this is something that continues for a period of time, your spouse will spend time other places that make him feel important.  The better choice is to explain to your child that this is what dad has decided is fair and uphold his decision.  If you feel he was unfair, you may discuss the issue with him behind closed doors, away from the child.

I feel like since we're in a blended family situation, it is actually even more important that we keep each other as top priority.  There are several reasons I feel this way.  One is because we didn't have that time before kids to cultivate a strong marriage, another reason is that both sets of step kids feel like their step-parent has encroached on their territory.  We were 2 set up families with 2 ways of doing things, so when we blended the families, each family had to give up some of their routine.  This made both kids feel like the other family "ruined" their lives, causing each to act out to the step-parent and to tell their bio parent that the step-parent was doing mean things to them.  Also, since it was just my husband and my stepdaughters before us and me and my kids before them, the kids weren't used to sharing their parent, now they have to share with more kids and another adult.  Frequently I've been shoved away from my husband by a step-daughter.  If they had their way, John and I would have no physical contact while they were here.  In the beginning I felt like every other week I stopped being a wife.  Of course I discussed this with my husband and we've worked on it with the kids.

She also asked how we make it clear to our kids.  We've sat down and had discussions with them about how the parent/child relationship is different then that of a spouse.  (we spoke in kids terms).  We talked to them about how everyone is born with the capacity to love the whole world as Jesus has so the fact that our family has gotten bigger just means there's more love in the family.  We have date nights, but I also work diligently to find fun unique things to do with the kids as well.  We also make one-on-one time with our bio kids so they don't feel as abandoned.  We have made it clear that if John and I are in our room with the door shut, they are to leave us alone.

Closing thoughts:
Without the marriage, there would be no family, but once an adult has children they now have a responsibility to that child to raise and nurture him/her to be a good adult.  If you don't nurture your marriage while the children are still growing, then what will you be left with when the children move out?  (this is what my parents experienced, I was an adult when they divorced).

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Snapping Got Me the Hairbrush :(

Thank you to all my readers for your patience while I focused on my busy schedule over this long weekend.  I responded to all of your comments on the last two posts so if you commented head over to them to check our my repsonses.  I appreciated everyone's comments of support always.  My husband is still getting the new schedule but it's going to be a little later than originally anticipated.  They have to work just a couple of kinks the popped up.  It will happen shortly after we return from our trip which we're leaving on in a couple of weeks anyway so we won't even notice the extended timeline.

So anyways, over my long weekend I received a punishment and here's the story for you all and for John as there's an important message for him in it from me.  Enjoy!

We were at church this past Sunday morning.  Neither one of us had gotten much sleep so far over the weekend and we weren't done yet.  He had asked a simple question.  He wanted to know if I'd be OK with us skipping Sunday school.  I got really upset and whiny and maybe a bit snippy.  He was just too tired to deal with my irrational behavior, so he shut me out.  After we got all the kids dropped off at their Sunday school classes and before we got to ours, he pulled me aside and said very sternly "I will deal with you later".  The strange thing is a part of me actually felt releived.  We both ended up enjoying Sunday school but were ready for bed by the time we headed home.

Once we got home there was no punishment.  I understood that, we'd both been up all night.  What got me upset again was that he said he felt he had baited me and there would be no punishment at all.  I was really upset about this and I began to shut down emotionally.  I began to feel like he wasn't taking this dynamic seriously, our marriage seriously or me seriously. 

After we woke up he finally dragged it out of me what I was feeling.  He told me that since he was tired, he felt that he had mistook what I had said, but since I seemed to agree my attitude was out of line, he decided to spank me for it.  So out to the garage we went.  I was thinking "wait, no actually I think I'm good now, glad we had this talk now let's cuddle before you have to go to work".  I confuse even myself sometimes.

It hurt...a lot.  He used his hand, the ping pong paddle and that stupid hairbrush.  There was barely even a warmup if you could call it that.  For some reason all my logical reasoning goes out of the window during a spanking.  Is it really smart to yell at your HOH that he's spanking you wrong while bare bottomed over his lap with a hairbrush in his hand?  It's not?  Oops!  Yeah I did yell at him.  I yelled at him for spanking too hard, for not doing a warmup and didn't he remember it'd been a while since my last maintanence?  The I shouted at him "you just don't care do you?".  That's when he grabbed my hip, pulled me in and continued spanking but now it was faster and harder.  :(  I went limp and began to cry.  I know it's in those moments he probably doubts himself and wonder if he should be more lenient.  In case he has any doubts about continuing on after I yelled at him that he didn't care, I want him to know that it was somewhat comforting to me that he didn't let me take over and end the spanking then.  I'm glad he continued until I got that release I needed.   I stopped fighting him and flailing around then.  It ended pretty quickly.

Afterward, I felt at peace and I was glad he had continued after I yelled at him.  He does listen to me.  :)  He said I was glowing after the spanking and he was just talking about my bottom.  He says I just get the air about me afterwards like I'm floating on a cloud and in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm floating.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I'm Not Going Anywhere

I just wanted to hop in to let everyone know I'm not dropping off the face of the earth, I just have a very busy weekend.  I'm still reading your blogs, but I cannot comment from my phone.  I'm actually writing this as I shove food in my mouth for the first time today before heading for a nap before work tonight.  I also can't respond to each of your very nice comments on my last post.  I will come Wednesday (barring any unforeseen circumstances) and respond to your comments.

Thank you all again for your very kind support, I will never be able to express what it means to me adequately with words.

A parting thought though, we're getting ready to head on a family road trip next month and we'll be in very close quarters with each other and our children for 2 weeks leaving no time for "adult" time.  I'm wondering if any of you have any ideas or suggestions on how to keep this dynamic going even while we're on our trip?

Friday, May 18, 2012

When Our Bodies Fail Us

John works overnights and is only off a few days a week.  This means when he is off, I have to share him.  I share him with the kids, I share him with his friends, I share him with his own personal free time and I share him with his household chores.  Sometimes this doesn't leave me much time, if any.  And usually he's a zombie.

Last night, we were both barely staying awake until we put the kids to bed.  Once we finally got the kids to bed, we were both too tired for any sort of time together.  No spanking, no sex.  It's been a while since I received maintenance and I was hoping for one last night, but that didn't happen.  He tried to have sex with me, but that didn't work very well either.  We were both just too tired.

These times can be very frustrating for me since it's been a while since we did anything and I know it'll be a while before we'll even have another chance and then just it may end up like last night again.  Last Sunday night was a good night for us, but since then it's been pretty boring around here. He worked, then when he was off, he was too tired for anything, then I work, we both work, then I'm off but her works, then he's off but I work.  So the next time we'll have a chance for time together is Monday 28th.

The good news though, is next Sunday he officially switches to 8 hour day shifts!  I'm so excited!  It will be nice to start to feel like a normal family again.  When his job started talking about switching to 8 hour shifts, we were nervous.  We were afraid he'd get one of the 3 possible shifts that would hurt our family time even more, but instead he got the best option for our family.  My family is breathing a sigh of relief.

And I did get some bedroom time with him after I woke up this afternoon.  :)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

2 Anniversaries

Well, John and I discussed it and have decided to share the 2 anniversaries story with you all (woohoo!) and if anyone recognizes the story, we'll deny it was us and you can't prove anything!  Those people just have a very similar life as us.  :)

Dream Wedding(s):
Most little girls have a dream wedding in their heads.  Since I was 16 I knew the kind of wedding I wanted and all I had to do was insert groom's name.  OK, there was a little more planning that went into me planning my wedding, but you get the idea.  I wanted a big garden wedding in August with flower girls and bridesmaids and groomsmen and an acoustic guitar.  Afterward, I wanted everybody to go to a hall for a huge dance party and party all night dancing and drinking and having a good time.  But, there was another vision of the perfect wedding day in my poor, little, confused and complicated head.  I wanted to stand in a church before God with only our witnesses and our pastor and pledge to commit myself to my spouse.  Sweet, romantic and sincere.  I also wanted rain on my wedding day (because it's good luck you know).   How can I have a big, beautiful garden wedding and rain?  I'm a walking contradiction (shakes head).

The Story:
I have a confession to make.  When John and I first met, he was still married (legally).  He was still married when we started dating, still married when we decided to get married ourselves and still married when we chose a wedding date.  And he was still married when that wedding date came around.  Now before you all gasp and wag your fingers at us, his divorce literally took 4 years.  That's a long time to wait to move on with your life.  Especially since she moved on when they were still together.  You know living together, having sex together, not just married by a piece of paper, but still together.

We didn't plan for our relationship to go the direction it did.  I truly believe, and so does John, that there was a bigger power involved in our relationship.  We decided to get married about the time we decided to sleep together and about the time I got pregnant.  We tried to keep our decision to get married a secret for a while, at least until his divorce was final.  There was a date set for the divorce to go through sometime in December.  I wanted an August wedding, so we picked August of the following year, picked a tentative date and still attempted to keep things a secret, at least from her.  We had to inform out of state family about our chosen date so they could plan their trip out.  The witch found out our plans to get married, not the date though and as we suspected, she held up the divorce.  To me, it's amazing an individual can hold up the whole process when it's so painfully obvious she doesnt't care about the marriage.

We held up our wedding planning for a little bit and waited to see how long she could really drag this process out.  There wasn't much for them to fight over.  He left her everything, they lost their house and were already living in separate houses, no debts, they weren't married long enough for her to qualify for alimony, so there was just the $3,000 of his retirement plan of which she only qualified for half of half.  The lawyers both agreed it'd be done by April.  Nope.  Court dates kept being postponed and continuations filed.  It was a circus and honestly the biggest joke I've ever seen.  She actually told people she was holding things off until our wedding date (which she never really figured out) hoping I would leave when I didn't get my wedding.  That's when we decided to go along with the preplanned wedding date and made a back up plan in case we couldn't get legally married on that day.  We had a family friend lead the ceremony and chose vows the were more declarations of our love rather than a pronouncement of a married couple.  And we had my big garden wedding.  It was beautiful and we partied all night, I don't think there was a minute I wasn't on the dance floor and we had a good time.  We put in our programs that it wasn't a legal ceremony but rather a celebration of 2 people committed to each other.

The divorce was quickly finalized after that and we had our second wedding the following May.  In our church with our 2 best friends and our pastor who'd counseled us along the way.  I bought a white cocktail dress to wear and we had a very intimate ceremony and I cried.  John surprised me with a second wedding band to symbolize this equally important day.  And it rained!  :)

So there you have it folks.  I have 2 anniversaries, I got 2 wedding bands, wore 2 wedding dresses and got both my dream weddings all because of someone who was jealous and vindictive.  In her attempt to ruin my perfect day, she actually helped to make it more perfect than I could have imagined.  :)

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Hairbrush :(

And, as promised, the hair brush story...

We're at Walmart the other day.  I'm looking at body washes and I notice John is missing so I go on a hunt for my silly husband and found him in the hairbrush aisle.  He's got a hairbrush in his hand smacking his palm with it.  I walk up to him and matter-of-factly explain to him "Honey, you can't use the plastic ones, they break and they don't work as well as the wood ones" shrugs "sorry, Honey"  A little disappointed, he replaces the hair brush to its location and turns around and "Oh look, wood ones!"  Now, when did Walmart start carrying wood hairbrushes?!  (Note to self, send a very nasty e-mail to Walmart)  Then my wonderful husband picks up a wood hairbrush and taps him palm with it "hmm mm hm" he says to himself, then looks at me and smiles.  Then "Whack!" right on my bottom, in the hairbrush aisle in Walmart!  I immediately spun around to make sure no one saw.  I didn't see anyone gawking, so if someone saw, they didn't stick around.  Whew!  Then I remembered, Walmart has cameras!

We did practice with the hairbrush last night before going out to dinner and let me tell you.  I definitely goes under our "punishment only" list.  Yikes!  That thing hurt and he wasn't even using it hard.  The worst part, is it has kind of a quiet "thud" so he can use it in the house, no waiting for time to sneak to the garage.

I now have a love/hate relationship with that hair brush...I love to hate it!  :)

After posting this my husband gave me another spanking with the hairbrush.  This one was more of a practice to see how it would work in the house.  It was over my jeans and still left my butt burning.  Ergh!  After he was done, he began brushing his hair with it and said "hm, it does a good job brushing hair too"  Imagine that!  Using a hairbrush to brush hair.  Who would have thought, it does have other uses besides spanking your wife with it.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Ironing Hubby's Shirts

A few quick updates before I continue on with this post...

I've been an emotional mess here lately.  I'll be fine and actually feel very good for a couple of days, then I'm off into a fit of tears again.  The other day, I broke down again.  My husband revealed his job is going to the new, horrendous schedule earlier than expected and after receiving news I did not get the job I wanted, I just couldn't take it anymore and I cried.  The I discovered I'd lost a stone on my brand new mother's ring and I cried some more, but John reassured me we had insurance on the ring and we could take it into the shop and have the stone replaced, whew!

We bought a new hair brush, yes for "that" (shudders).  I will tell you the whole story after we've tried it out this evening.

I'm working on a really fun (for me anyways) blog post about what Dd has done for my femininity.  I'm enjoying writing it and I hope you will enjoy reading it when I'm done and if not, who cares, I had fun writing it :)

Also, I'm debating whether to post about our 2 anniversaries, but it's such a unique story I'm afraid people will recognize it, so I'm trying to figure out a way to write it without too many details but to still get the point across, we'll see. :/

OK, now for our feature presentation:

I love cleaning my house.  I'm not sure why.  (Btw, my house is far from immaculate, we have 5 kids between the ages of 2 and 8)  If my husband would take the kids and leave for a couple of hours, I would crank up the music and have a blast cleaning.  It's kind of like taking a long walk to me, it clears my head and relaxes me.  I know that's weird, but if you knew me you'd know that I'm just weird.

So, John has created a new rule, I must press his work shirts.  I love cleaning but for some reason I'm not big on ironing.  I'd rather throw the cloths back in the dryer or take it to the cleaners.  The other day, I did my usual chores (self imposed) and as loads of laundry came out of the dryer, I folded everything and put it away immediately, but I hung John's work shirts on the coat rack to be dealt with later.  Then, it was later. :(  I had finished all my work except the ironing.  So I reluctantly placed a towel on the dining table (we don't own an ironing board, maybe that's why I dislike ironing so much, or maybe we don't own one BECAUSE I dislike ironing so much) and heated up the iron.  The task took me all of 10 minutes.  Whew!  I was done and I didn't have to worry about it for another week (OK, when I write it out like that, I just sound like a big baby)!

The next day, John said "Baby, thank you for pressing my shirts, I noticed and I really appreciate it."  I welled up with pride, I sure do like making him happy.  Now I can't wait to do it again.  :)

And now in honor of Mother's Day, I'm giving my kids blogger names so when I tell stories, it won't be as confusing...
Our oldest and only boy will be called John Jr. because he acts just like John and he's the only boy :)
My older step-daughter will be called Kelli because she reminds me of Kelli Kapowski (sp?) from Saved by the Bell only with out the fashion sense, my poor step-daughter has no fashion sense what-so-ever.
My older daughter will be called Suzie Jr. because she too loves to clean :)
My younger step-daughter will be called Tommi because she's our little tom-boy
and our baby will be called Princess because I think she truly believes she is a princess.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies, Aunties, Step-mommies, honorary mommies, and big sisters out there!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

For The Mrs...

The Mrs at MyJourneyinDD asked us what we love and appreciate about our husbands.

This could take a while...

I love his take control, no nonsense, take no prisoners demeanor.  He knows how to get things done without being a bully.  I think it's sexy ;)

I love that he tries to help around the house.  It's cute when I have to go in and rearrange my cloths because he hung them up wrong.  It shows me he tried.

I love that he never gives up on anything.  He's so stubborn sometimes but he's so persistent.

I love that he listens to my thoughts and ideas and honestly believes I'm a genius.

I love the way he kisses my forehead or pets my hair.  It makes me feel safe.

I love how hard he works to make me smile.

I love that he is the type of person who will jump in his truck and help look for a missing neighbor kid even if the kid's mom is crazy (that's a long story), or run out to help a friend stuck in a ditch in the middle of the night, or give a homeless guy money or food.

I love that he always takes my side on everything.  There are a ton of people who have their opinions about everything, but he stands behind me through and through.

I love that he cries when he says good-bye to his dad after visits. Shh, don't tell him I told you all that, it embarrasses him, but I think it shows a lot of heart and love.

I love how he just gets me.  He knows when I'm hurting, knows when to make me talk about it, knows when to try to make me laugh and knows when I need a spanking.

There are so, so many more but this could go on for ages, so I won't go into all of them.

OK she also asked for the funniest moment.  This is so hard to choose from but I remember this one time just after we were married I caught him and my son having a food fight.  I know it may not seem so funny written out like that, but I walked in to see a 30 year old man and 7 year old boy throwing spaghetti at each other.  I thought this kind of stuff only happened on TV, yet here it was going on in my kitchen.  They did clean it up afterward though.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

New Position for Maintenance

After I wrote all that out yesterday, I already started feeling better.  Then John and I talked a little bit and that also helped, add to that all your supportive comments and I feel ready to conquer the world today.

I did receive a maintenance and it was before John even read the post.  He just knew I needed some attention.  We were laying in bed talking while our two girls were in the living room playing.  We were laying on our sides facing each other and wrapped in each others arms.  He pulled my shorts up to expose my right butt cheek and began smacking it.  Softly at first, then progressively with more force.  Then he rolled us over so he can pay equal attention to the other cheek.  It was a nice way to receive a dreaded spanking.  I lay there next to him and hung on to him and breathed in the scent of him.  I didn't start crying in that position, but I did relax.  After, giving both cheeks attention, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me over his lap, pulled my shorts down and finished the spanking in that position.  That's when I started crying, but it wasn't as bad as I was afraid of.  The emotional pain that is.  The spanking was a bit harder and lengthier than usual and I still feel tender today.  Not sore, just tender.  I can tell I've been spanked.  It seemed that after getting some of those emotions out and then the first position he started the spanking in helped me prepare emotionally for the rest and to let go.

After the spanking he wanted to talk about how he could "fix" my feelings I expressed in my post, but this isn't something he can just fix.  This is our life and we have to make the best of what we have.  He said he could just quit.  I always roll my eyes when he makes ridiculous comments like that.  He knows I am proud of him and I would never take away his dream.  I think just venting a little and reconnecting with John helped snap me out of my little tiff.  We spent the little bit of time we had before he had to go to work goofing and making the best of it.  We made dinner together instead of me doing laundry while he made dinner.  Then we did dishes afterward together and the kids put the laundry away for me.  Yes he then had to go to work and left me doing it all on my own again, but I felt more at ease. 

I realized yesterday that I was designed to be a Cop's wife.  The experiences God has put me through has been molding me into being the best wife to my husband.  It won't always be easy and sometimes it will test me, but I truly in my heart believe we have what it takes to make this marriage work for the long haul.

So, on our anniversary, he has promised that he will spend all day touching me in someway, holding hands, rubbing my back, yes, spankings too, making love (of course) and even tickling.  I can't wait to celebrate our 1 year anniversary (again).

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Codependent, independent and interdependent

In Sunday school we're doing a series on the book our church does for couples in premarital counseling.  It was interesting to study the book before we got married and I actually really enjoyed doing it with John, but it's even more interesting studying it now that we've been married for over a year and a half.  In the book, it discusses the difference between codependent, independent and interdependent relationships.  Obviously, the strongest relationships are interdependent, but it's such a struggle for me to get there. 

I used to be very codependent in my relationship with my former fiance.  He was very controlling and abusive and I thought I could not live my life, take care of my son or function as an adult without his "guidance".   Luckily, I was able, with the help and guidance of law enforcement officers (OK I say guidance, but what really happened was more of an intervention), to get out of that relationship and I discovered I'm actually pretty good at being an adult, although I did go through intensive counseling after to get through the PTSD I suffer and learn to cope with life again.

After, I became very independent by necessity.  I was a single mom and as such there was no one for me to depend on.  I was it.  So, I did everything by myself.  I'm good at it, but I always wanted a little support.  Emotional, physical and financial.  I wanted a husband.  Who knew once I found one, turning off that single mom mode would be so dang difficult.

My husband's career path is difficult for us.  He works long hours, over nights and unplanned overtime.  I'm left taking care of our home and family by myself often.  However, when he is home, he wants to be included, so I have to switch from leading role to supporting actor.  This switch isn't easy for me to accomplish smoothly. 

Sometimes, I just wish he had a normal job with normal hours.  As it is now, I sleep by myself at night, get up in the morning to get the kids ready by myself, my husband comes home in time to drop the kids off at school together, then he crawls into bed after a quick kiss goodnight because he's exhausted from his long night.  So I do household chores and take care of the kids who are home all day, solve any problems that come up, and save the world.  Then he wakes up and it's pick up the kids, making dinner and helping with homework.  We all sit down together and eat dinner, then he dresses for work and is out the door, again, after a quick kiss.  I bathe the kids and get them tucked in at night then crawl into bed alone. Our sex life is reduced to a series of quickies which are fun, but sometimes I want him to make slow, passionate love to me for hours, kissing and touching all over, then fall over sweaty and exhausted and sleep next to each other naked.  We don't even have time for reconnect spankings.  I start to emotionally shut down and go into auto pilot.  A defense mechanism my body has created over time.  Then, he gets mad when I go into supermom mode, but I don't know how else to be when he's not here and when he is he's asleep or a zombie.  He tells me he'll get up early to help with x,y and z, but then he doesn't, so I've begun to not rely on him in that aspect.  Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of my husband and what it is he does, also, with my previous experience as a single mom, I am more equipped to be his wife.  His job is very demanding and unpredictable.  I just need to know exactly what part of me he needs and when, so I can prepare mentally.  It's just a huge let down when he says he's going to be there and he's not and it's not as big of a let down when we already know he won't be there.

If you've been reading regularly, you know I had an emotional break down last week and got snappy over the weekend.  But, with our busy life, my husband hasn't had the time to bring me back to normal again.  I've already begun the emotional shut down process.  Now I don't even want a reconnect spanking because I'm afraid to feel the pain that is sitting there waiting to bubble over.  I don't want him to touch me, because I'm afraid of relying on him.  Sometimes I feel like his wife-on-a-shelf.  He sets me up there when he's too busy to deal with me and I am forgotten, then when he realizes he'd like his wife there he goes to get me and I'm expected to be available.

This was all just me processing some of the thoughts and feelings running through my pretty little head.  Honestly, what I really desire is for my husband to run off to his job to save the world and not worry about what's going on at home.  To know and rest assured that his wife has things handled at home, that she's OK and his children are cared for and that they'll be there when he gets home.  Then, when he comes home, I want for him to be able to forget (although never completely) the demands of his job and take care of his family, to be cared for, loved and respected by his wife and children.  To be included.  I don't want him to come home to being an outsider because we've had to deal on our own for a little bit.  I want to be able to emotionally handle all of this and be his perfect little wife.  He says I am the perfect wife but he sees me through rose colored glasses I think.

So, I am going to end the post with some positive thoughts so you all don't think I'm always such a negative person.  Yesterday afternoon, I had a good time making origami dresses with my girls then teaching my kids how swing dance and two-step.  I am looking forward to a couple of date nights this month.  First is our second 1-year anniversary (if you would like me to explain why we have a second 1-year anniversary, e-mail me and I'll be glad to tell you the story) so we're planning to go out to dinner at a semi-nice restaurant.  It's not black tie, but it's not Applebee's either and I get to wear a sexy dress and high heels.  Towards the end of the month, we have a belated birthday trip to a nearby city.  My birthday was several months ago and I received tickets to see one of my favorite bands perform this month, so we've planned a little overnight trip.  It should be a lot of fun and I can't wait, then next month is our family vacation.  I also can't wait for that.  So, I have a lot to be excited about. 

I love my husband and am really proud of his career choice.  I just need to learn to be more interdependent with him.  Able to do it on my own if necessary, but lean on him when he's available.  That's the wife I wish to be.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


Things that were said during my punishment spanking last night...

"ouch that hurts!  Stop it!"

"Have you ever been on this side of the spanking?  It hurts!"

"What happened to the warm up?"

I think I tried to bite his thigh at one point, luckily I didn't actually follow through on that, since I'm pretty sure he would not have liked that.

Those are just a few I remember.  Apparently I act a lot better during maintenance than during punishment.  I got punished for getting snappy with the kids.  I'm supposed to go to him if they get too out of hand, but I thought I could be superwoman and handle it all on my own.

He took care of it right away, then he sent me to bed.  It wasn't really bad but it sure felt like it in the moment.  I did wake up in a much better mood.  John said when he woke me up for dinner that I looked much happier and relieved.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Stress Causes...

First, I guess I was too flustered when I wrote my last post to finish a sentence in there, so I'll finish it here for you "My co-workers and clients at work aren't helping either.  My boss has actually had to tell me, what they say doesn't matter, only her opinion matters and she thinks I'm doing a good job"  So, there you all go lol.  Sorry if this left any of you confused.

OK now that I have that out of the way, I'm going to tell you how Wednesday went for me.   My husband woke up earlier than expected because he had to go into work really quick for something.  While he was out, he called to have me do him a favor and I started snapping.  After several warnings to calm down he finally just told me to go to my room and wait until he got home then hung up.  I was in complete and total shock.  I said "whatever" and stomped to my room, slammed the door and threw myself on the bed (luckily he wasn't home to witness my 2-year old tantrum).  A few minuted later he pulled in the drive and came in our room where he started the questioning me about my attitude, but I was working so hard the keep things under control, I didn't answer him, so he rolled me over and gave me 1 swat.  That's it, that's all it took, I was done.  I started crying and telling him every little thing that was wrong with me and I cried the rest of the day on and off.  He was so patient with me every time I broke out in a fresh round of tears.

He said I'm am not allowed to volunteer for the opportunity that isn't working for me.  And if I don't do the one that I want to do, I will be in trouble.  Guess that settles that argument.

By the end of the day I was so worn out from crying, I just fell asleep.  I didn't get a stress relief spanking or a punishment spanking for my attitude.  I think he felt after I had cried all day long, I probably didn't need one at that point.

Yesterday, I felt much more relaxed.  I went for pedicures with my daughter then out to lunch.  Spent some time playing with my husband and kids when we got home.

Today, though, I have a new rule.  I have to keep my husband's work shirts pressed now.  I have to admit, as much as I don't mind laundry and enjoy housework, I'm not a big ironing fan.  Guess, John's going to fix that right?

Thank you everyone for your support.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Juggler

I've been struggling over the past few days and it may help for me to put it out there.

Have you ever seen one of those jugglers that juggle like 20 different objects?  They're awesome to watch.  Everything is going in the smooth circle and it doesn't make sense how a single person can juggle that many items.  If the juggler drops even 1 object though, they lose balance and everything falls to the ground in a big, fantastic, chaotic mess.  It seems they can't just drop 1 item and throw it back into the loop or just move on without it.  Somehow dropping the 1 item starts a chain reaction and the rest follow very quickly.  So, the juggler can start over again.  Pick up one item at a time and start slowly to build back up to the original 20 and everything starts to go smoothly again.  Although, sometimes, the juggler is too flustered after dropping everything they can't seem to get things going again.  They just keep dropping items.

The analogy of the above juggler feels like me sometimes.  I juggle so much in my life and as long as I stay on top of everything life is good and everything runs smoothly, but if I "drop" something, it starts a chain reaction and my whole life seems to crash.  I start to rebuild everything and we continue.  It's just this big cycle for me.  Only this time, I'm the juggler that's too flustered and I just keep dropping everything.  It doesn't help that I have very little say in what I control.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed and flustered at the moment.  Every little thing that goes wrong now, I get all emotional and start crying.  I missed an employee meeting the other day.  In all the time I've worked there, I've never missed even 1 meeting.  I'm always on time to the meetings, sometimes even early.  But somehow I mixed things up on my calendar and it didn't get entered correctly.  I know I entered it, but it wasn't there come time for the meeting.  I checked all over my little electronic calendar and was unable to locate it.  (My husband and I joked that it's going to show up in 6 years)  My boss wasn't mad at all about it.  She laughed it off, said I've never missed a meeting before and she's glad I was OK, because when I didn't show up, she was worried.  She gave me the information I needed from the meeting and every thing's fine now.  Except I started crying when I realized I'd missed the meeting.

My husband's work is talking about changing every body's schedule and this has me stressed too.  I started crying when he told me.

I started crying when my husband's ex wife said she was going to move her vacation because she couldn't afford to go when she planned.  This could throw a huge wrench in our summer plans and she could try to prevent us from going on our trip.  (This is the exact reason I hate straying from the court order as far as schedule is concerned).

My co-workers and clients at work aren't helping either.  My boss has actually had to tell me, what they

And it seems to me that I have to fight, dig in my heels and refuse to budge if I am going to put myself anywhere on my priority list.  No one in my life takes no for an answer from me because they're all so used to me taking care of them and making their lives easier.  I don't want to be mean but I feel like I have to in order to just take care of myself for once.

The people at church are even making me feel guilty.  I want to drop a volunteer opportunity I've been doing because it's a stress now with my family and if I get this new job (fingers still crossed), I won't be able to do it anymore because I won't get off work in time.  They're making me feel guilty and telling me I can take this other job I really don't want and I could still do it.

I'm just glad my husband will be home tonight.  I need him today.