Ugh! Sometimes I get so busy with my daily life it's difficult to keep up with this blogging thing. I think honestly, I just need to lower my expectations of blogging. When I started blogging, I was semi-disabled (OK, I had a broken wrist, but I would honestly rather have a broken leg than a broken wrist. And I would know, I've had both), therefore I had more time for blogging. Now that I'm back to my full work ability, I need to realize that I can't blog the way I did in the beginning. So here's what I'm thinking. I can usually find time to read blogs fairly easily, so I will continue to do that. If I erase the idea that every time I log into blogger I need to write a post as well as read and comment, I think I will be more willing to log in more often, like quickly in the mornings after working overnight or before bed when I don't work to leave comments, but not always post. (maybe a laptop or and Ipad would help as well, but as of now, I'm stuck with an old school desktop). I'd like to at least find time once a week to leave a post. So there's my plan.
Now, I have a story to share. It's semi-Dd related. There's a situation at John's work which is a source of stress for us. I was internally dealing with some of the emotion and stress I was feeling. To be honest I was frustrated with the whole thing. John at times gets upset if I get upset about anything. He doesn't get upset with me, but more that he can't "fix" everything. Just as every parent wishes they could put their children in a bubble and protect them from life, John wishes he could do that for me. When John gets upset though, he's not very good at expressing it appropriately. It will sometimes come out as anger directed toward me.
We were sitting in the car waiting for the kids to get out of school and talking about this. I began telling him how I was feeling, my voice was a bit tense, but that's because I was very frustrated about the situation. He sensed my tense tone and snapped at me that he wasn't going to tell me anything anymore if I was just going to react that way. I bubbled over and began telling him that when he keeps me in the dark, it makes me feel like I'm pretty much useless to him. Like I'm just his trophy wife to look good on his arms but that I'm incapable of dealing with life, incapable if thinking or anything. That he views me as just some bimbo. He told me that's not how he meant it. I knew that wasn't how he meant it and he's gotten a lot better at telling me about things that affect me over the past several months, but he isn't perfect yet either. I told him, I knew that wasn't what he meant it to say. I know that he doesn't tell me things for the same reason a parent doesn't tell a child about problems affecting the home, he wanted to protect me from all the negative emotions. If John had his way, I'd be happy all the time. I told him he can't shield me from the world, that I will get upset, that I still feel pain and frustration and stress, but those emotions don't limit my ability to deal with situations anymore than they limit his. He told me, he felt like it was his job as the man to protect me. He said he views me as his delicate little flower. He never meant to hurt my feelings or to make me feel like I wasn't a partner in all this. He just wants to make me happy. I appreciate that.
I am a woman capable of dealing with some harsh situations. John knows and appreciates this. However, like I've mentioned above, he wants to protect me. He knows most of what I've gone through in my life before him and he wants me to have a better life, but at times his image of a better life for me is impractical. I don't think he realized before the above conversation that just having him in my life and not facing everything alone already makes my life better.
I never used to cry. I would shake everything off and continue to move forward with never a tear spilled. The stress mounted itself on my shoulders but never revealed itself in my actions or behaviors. I hid everything from everybody. I smiled and moved on. Hey somebody had to. That was before I met John though, Since him, I've learned to cry, to trust in him, to let go of things I can't control. I have a partner now to help me. Unfortunately at times I feel weaker because I show my emotions more. I have to remind myself that I am stronger now than I have ever been because I do have the love and support from John. Sometimes I, like John, see me express all these emotions and think I am not capable of handling a situation. It's not until John tries to protect me that I realize, I am still strong, in fact stronger. When I have to tell him that it's OK for me to cry and get frustrated, but I can still handle all life throws at us, I realize that I am not weaker because I cry, but stronger because I have the love and support of a man who cares about how I feel.
The first part of this post was typed earlier today, the rest I'm typing now...
I let some things with my mom overwhelm me today and I let it all out to John (while waiting to pick up the kids again, go figure). Instead of jumping up to "fix" it, he listened to my feelings. It relaxed me that he didn't jump up (figuratively) to save me. Some situations you can't change, especially when they involve other people's actions. This particular situation is an example. He can't "fix" it anymore than I can. Doesn't mean I won't get frustrated about it or that I won't need to vent. He accepted that I had to cry and get it out. Then he provided me with wine and cuddles when we got home. :) I truly love that man.