I've decided to come here and tell you all what has been going on. John lost his job and since he was the bread winner of the family, that put a huge financial burden on us. I do work, but it's normally only part time and is more for my mental well-being then an actual source of income. So we've been trying to find jobs, him a new job and me a full-time position. Plus I've been picking up extra hours at work to help bring in some money. When I'm not filling out applications, looking for places hiring in and out of my field and working extra hours, I've been taking care of the kids so they feel like everything's OK. Also, we only have one family vehicle and since I have to get a full-time job now, we'll need another one, so we've been looking for ways to get one and looking for one.
I honestly thought I'd be back by now, but it's taking so long to get this all figured out. I wish I could be here with you all, reading and commenting and supporting, but I just feel so disoriented right now. I know you all understand. You've been so supportive, it's truly a blessing for me. I will never be able to express what it has meant to us.
People we know keep asking if we're OK and I keep smiling and saying we're fine. Everything's good. Trying to be positive and optimistic. But the truth is, I'm not OK. Inside I'm falling to pieces. I'm hurt and pissed and I really just want to cry. I can't though. We have to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.
I just keep looking at the bills and the bank accounts and wondering how this is going to work. How we're going to get another car when we can't even figure out how to pay the bills we have now. On top of all of this, several friends we made through the department that we've grown close to have stopped talking to us altogether. That hurts the most. It's like we're not part of their "clique" anymore. There are rumors that they were told if they had any contact with us they would get fired, but not everyone from the department has wrote us off, so I don't know what the truth is and it hurts either way. We don't have these friends anymore and that hurts.
This has been a huge blow to John's ego. He feels he's let me and his family down. He hasn't though. There was nothing he could have done to prevent this, it's all political BS. They wanted him gone and found a way to do it. He's been depressed and mopey and kind of locked inside himself lately, which I completely understand. I'm trying to be supportive of him and to just be here for him, but I miss my husband. I want him back. I have seen some life in him a couple of times, but those moments are so rare and brief lately. I want him to feel good about himself again and not like a failure, I want him to smile and laugh again. This all just hurts so much.
I really just wanted to tell someone, I'm NOT OK. I know that I will be, but right now, I'm just not.
P.S. If you want to get a hold of me, you can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. My e-mails are sent directly to my phone so it acts like text messaging to me.