Still learning

Today was a bad day.  I'm normally not one of those people who can jump out of bed and start my day.  I wake up grumpy and that is all.  So, I figured out a long time ago that I could wake up an hour before anyone, take my shower, watch the news and enjoy my cup of coffee, then I could be grumpy in peace and when it became time to wake up the rest of my family, I'd be in a better mood and we wouldn't start the day on the wrong foot.  Not today though.  I woke up, took a shower, poured a cup of coffee and turned on the news (see I had good intentions) but then I went back to sleep.  So, I was grumpy when I woke up the kids to get ready.  Then the baby (who's not really a baby anymore but I still call her one) kept climbing out of the bathtub and every time I picked her up it hurt my wrist, so I huffed into my room and slammed the door, John jumped out of bed and yelled "what the hell is wrong with you!!!"  After we shouted some mean things at each other, he went back to bed and I went about getting the kids ready.

Now, we're a DD couple, so I should have been spanked, but instead we went back into our old routine of arguing instead.  After he woke up later to take me to the doctor's, he held me and told me he was sorry he yelled.  Since he was just as out of line as I was then he wasn't going to punish me this time but the next time he wouldn't yell, just drag me (not literally, he would never actually drag me anywhere) out to the garage and take care of it right then.

I am relieved he took the time to think about it and come up with what he felt was a fair decision.  I relieved I didn't get punished for this even though I deserved it.  I really wish I didn't go off the handle and get angry this morning and I hate that I caused John to get mad also.

Adjusting to these new roles is not easy.  I really want to be submissive, I want to give my husband the respect he deserves, but I'm just not good at it and old habits die hard.  This is hard.  I'm not trying to disobey him, I'm not trying to disrespect him, I'm not trying to test him to see if he's serious and will punish me.  I just am hot tempered and sometimes short sighted.  I think over time and through perseverance from both of us, we'll figure out this whole new dynamic for our marriage, but right now, I think we're both struggling.