Processing...

Well I got my punishment and it was definitely hard for me to take.  It will be a learning experience though for both of us.  As I've said before, hubby wants me to blog after spankings so he can monitor how I'm feeling as we venture through this.  This is a good time to do this because I was very upset before, during and after, but I'm having a hard time expressing myself to him.  Hopefully as we continue down this path, it'll get easier for me to talk about those deep emotions.

I was supposed to receive it last night, but by the time we got home, got the kids who shower in the evening done with that and the younger children in bed, he didn't have the energy to do it.  Also, the garage isn't quite set up yet for this, so he decided to do it today.

Well, I did receive a punishment yesterday afternoon, but it wasn't quite so severe.  He was trying to drag me into the bedroom for a quick adult time (if you know what I mean) but I was stewing because I felt he was ignoring his responsibility of enforcing discipline on one of our children and I REEEEEALLY want him taking charge of that.

I'm not saying I'm unwilling or incapable of discipline but my step-children don't respect me and I feel I need some back-up from him so they start to learn that the rules in our house aren't mine but ours, as in my husband's as well as mine.  Before I came along they had less strict rules (I had more strict rules for my kids).  John and I have since sat down and made a list of rules and expectations for our children we both agree on, but my step-children aren't used to so many rules, they feel like this is all my fault.  I'm way over protective of my children, which is why John's been good in my life, he's teaching me to relax a bit, it's a work in progress.  I've let go of some of my former rules and he's taken on some of the more reasonable rules.  We have the same rules for all the kids in the house now, his, mine, and ours.

Anyways, back to yesterdays spanking...so instead of allowing him to drag me into the room, I snapped at him.  He shot back with "I'm not doing this now" and went about doing something else.  I became offended and got all huffy and cold with him.  I wouldn't answer his questions and wouldn't talk to him.  This is how most of our arguments start.  I stew, he doesn't notice I'm upset, I snap, he gets mad, I don't express myself well, he takes it the wrong way, then it's all out war here.  Well, we talked a little about what I was feeling when I snapped and was trying to put it behind us, but I sat down and got all tearful, I had ruined our moment, I'm really good at that.  When John saw this, he realized what he needed to do, he grabbed my arm and again began to drag me to the bedroom, but this time for a spanking.  He sat on the bed and pulled me over his lap, I was fully crying before he even swung one time.  He spanked through my pants with just a few hard strokes with the phone cord, I began crying harder, he finished quickly then comforted me, then we had our moment after all.  I wish he'd just done it when I snapped instead of letting me drag it out, I think next time he will.

Now for the worse spanking I got today, the one I was supposed to get last night.  By the time we got around to doing it, I was so worked up over it that I couldn't focus on why I was receiving it.  I had nightmares about it last night and my belly's been flip flopping all day.  While I understand his reasoning, I wasn't focused on why I was receiving it, just that it was scary.  It didn't last very long, but it was hard and it hurt!  I am completely embarrassed by the way I reacted.  I rolled and screamed and kicked and flailed.  It was awful.  He says that he knows that it's hard for me to stay in position and he's ok with it, but I was just about off the bed.  He also didn't lecture me very much, he said that after it really got started he felt I needed more comforting words to help me get through it (he was right).  After the spanking, I cuddled with him for a few seconds then jumped under the blankets and pouted.  I was upset because I reacted badly and because I didn't feel loved at that moment.  It was all so confusing and scary for me. 

We talked a little bit about it since that wasn't the same reaction I've had in the past (albeit this was the worst I've received so far) and tonight we're going to discuss it further so we can both learn how next time will go smoother and maybe someday I will get better at this.