Moving Forward

So we had our talk and I'm feeling more confident today.  It was pointed out to me many many times before and again last night that I have this habit of jumping into something new head first.  I feel like I don't.  I research, a lot, and when I say a lot I mean A LOT.  I've read and read and read about DD and everyone's opinions.  I've dissected it and decided what was right for us and what wasn't.  I've spent hours, days, weeks, months reading.  Then I felt ready to present to my husband, anyone else see a problem with this equation?  For those who can't (I didn't so don't feel bad) I'll point it out.  Our marriage had 2 people in it, but only 1 was doing the research for something that would forever change our relationship.  I took charge of him taking charge, yeah that makes sense right?  He had no clue what I was thinking because I didn't involve him then I expected everything to run smoothly.  I expected our DD relationship to work like all those experienced couples out there on the internet, but we're just beginners.  And he needs time to research and we need to talk and make decisions together.  We're not taking a break or quitting or anything, I'm just putting it in better perspective to me.  I need to realize that we're learning right now what's best for our marriage and we're no experts no matter how much I've read.

We've decided that we are not going to wait more than 24 hours anymore and that there would be more of a lecture.  This is comforting to me.  I feel comforted and safe with him because even though I reacted badly yesterday, he was patient and understanding and we've made changes to it won't happen again.  I knew he would do that for me, talk, hear me out, (as long as I was calm and respectful), and we'd make changes together based on what we both felt was best. 

I absolutely love this man with everything and I don't want to hurt him but when I get upset, I fight for blood, I head straight for the jugular with my words and sharp tongue.  He recognizes that about me.  I'm hoping we can cut things off at the pass and deal with disagreements before the gloves come off.  We don't fight often but when we do it's ugly.  We've always been able to come back together but not before very hurtful things are said.  Mostly our fights are my fault, I know this.  It's because I don't want to make a big deal out of little things so I don't address them at all until they fester and I blow up.  When that happens, it's easy for him to take what I say completely our of context because I started the argument in the middle, he missed the first part that explained why I felt a certain way because that part happened in my head, he wasn't involved. 

I'm already making progress, though I recognize that it may be a little while before it becomes habit.  My husband says there's a time, place, and way of explaining how I feel about certain parenting issues, but snapping off at the dinner table or at a party in front of everybody is not it.  Especially since it's bugged me the last 8 times it's happened.  He doesn't want me to lose my voice or my opinions just learn to express myself without hurting others.   I hate that about me, then I feel horrible because I've ruined everybody's day, evening, good time, or whatever.  I could avoid stuff like that if I would come to him respectfully and tell him what it is I don't like and why then we can brainstorm together how to fix it.  So, yesterday, I decided that a certain disciplinary tactic we have for the kids just does not work in our house.  It was ineffective and unenforceable.  But I didn't brush it under the rug and stew on it.  I approached him, completely calm and respectfully pointed out that it wasn't working and if we could sit down and find another method for next time (that was a compromise for me since it was unenforceable I wanted to re-discipline the kids for the same offense since they really didn't get disciplined, but that wouldn't be fair to them).  I was calm and I didn't let it fester.  It's decided and I feel triumphant.  We'll see how I react the next time though.

I have so much in my head I want to get out, but it's too much for one post, so I'm going to end this now and post again another time.  These first few ones may seem like rambling but things get stuck in my head and they stay there until I get them out.