Some thoughts and punishent

I'm feeling a little confused today so bear with me as I ramble...

At this point there's no real indication that anyone besides me and hubby read this blog, which is fine by me, but sometimes I wonder if this is a good idea.  I thought about keeping a diary but I'm so nervous that people I don't want to see it will find it and that makes me nervous, so I discarded that idea.  A friend suggested I do this, make an anonymous blog.  She doesn't know we're practicing DD or probably has never heard of it, but she knew I wanted to keep a diary to process through some things in my private life.  She's a good friend and I think I may tell her about it someday, she wouldn't jump to wrong ideas about it as I fear others would.  I fear people losing respect for my husband, he's a great guy and not abusive by any stretch of the imagination.  I've been in an abusive, controlling relationship, and this is the farthest thing from it.  I know others who don't understand the psychology behind it (yes there really is psychology behind it, I looked it up, and when I look things up, I don't just read one person's opinion and call it good, I mean I really research) would disagree with me and others who support the practice and I don't want people calling my husband names he doesn't deserve.

I think one of the reasons I'm having doubts about the blog is because I'm so open on it.  Completely honest.  I keep reassuring myself that it's anonymous, but I still worry about what people on the internet think.  I wish I didn't care what others thought, on the internet and in our community, but I do.  I've been slipping into a depressed state and I hate that.  I have clinical depression and sometimes I just get depressed, no triggers, no reason, I just get that way.  There is a difference this time that I do link to DD.  I feel completely at peace in John's arms.  I don't feel disconnected or like crying, just calm and relaxed.  In the past when I go into a depressed pit, I disconnect from everyone, lock myself inside myself and no one knows what's going on inside or that I'm anything besides happy.  I kind of become a shell or a puppet, even to John, but this time I'm opening up to him how a feel and I almost feel "normal" with him, hopefully he can help me pull out of this so I can enjoy time with others too.

Anyways, I received a light punishment spanking yesterday afternoon for a smart ass comment I made in jest, but I agree, completely not appropriate and I did deserve it.  Really, I did.  We were talking about some rules for me to follow and piped up with "you're not man enough to spank me"  I was completely kidding and he knew it which is why he went easy on me, but he wanted to show that he was indeed "man enough".

I think at this point I should let people know that I'm not the usual wife that spends frivolously or neglects housework.  I have 2 major problems that my rules are starting to revolve around, 1 is a common problem (as I've read), my temper, boy do I have a temper.  I want to get a tattoo on my forehead that read "warning Irish temper and German stubbornness" just so people are aware.  The 2nd problem I have is I completely neglect myself, I put too much on my shoulders, I stress too much and I put EVERYONE else before me, this caused me to become very ill.  Seriously, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything.  I had nothing left to give, even to myself.  It scared John and in truth, me too.

So, I've also been informed I have another punishment spanking coming this evening (most likely worse than yesterday's) because I lost my temper this morning for absolutely no reason.  I deserve it.  I snapped at my son because he was trying to help but I wanted him to eat breakfast.  I really should have stayed calm.