2 visions of "me"

Alright about the two visions of "me".  I know it probably won't make sense to most of you (or maybe it will), but I will do my best to explain how I feel and what's going inside my pretty little head.  John thinks (and I agree) probably the reason I have 2 perfect visions of me is because of my former abuse (I actually do have a post in the works about it, it's just very hard to put into words).  There's the "real me" and the "me" I developed to be "good enough" for my former fiance.

Before I continue on, I in no way am saying either type of mom/wife is better than the other.  I'm just saying which one is better for me.

OK, so I have this vision of the mom/wife I want to be.  There's these 2 women I admire so much.  Their moms of boys and their boys are often dirty (not filthy, just looking like they had fun), sometimes they wear funny cloths because they're obsessed with a particular cartoon character and they want to be just like that character.  I've seen them come to church wearing capes even.  The moms never look frazzled but will admit they get that way sometimes.  I've seen them get onto their kids and not care who's looking because boys will be boys and sometimes mom needs to step in.  And their house is a mess (again not filthy) but toys on the floor and what not.  They sit back while their children run around and be crazy and they don't expect them to be quiet and still at all times.  I want to be the mom that chases my kids around the house with Nerf guns (those things are a blast) have crazy dance parties and covered in flour with the kids while baking something fun, like a cake from scratch for no reason.  Leave the house a mess while we go on an adventure.

But then I go into someone's house and it's crazy clean.  Not a speck of dirt anywhere and I'm pretty sure their DVDs are alphabetized by content and I start thinking that's the mom/wife I need to be.  I feel like my husband should wake up to a perfectly clean house, well groomed children, a beautifully put together wife.  This is the other vision.  I want other people to look at me and see someone who has it together.  My house is spotless, my children are so well behaved, I'm drop-dead gorgeous (don't we all wish) and everybody has fake smiles.  You know, supermom!  Complete with cape ;)

Well he says he'd rather wake up to a wife who's happy with kids covered in chocolate.

He says that we can deep clean 1 day a week as a family.  There's chores that need to be done everyday, but beyond that, I shouldn't focus on getting everything perfect everyday.  Maybe if we have company, but other than that, who freakin' cares.

He wants me to be the wife I want to be not the one I feel I need to be.  We just need to suppress the 1950's wife and find the playful one.

"The Talk"

Thank you everyone for all your support!  I can never say enough what it means to me!

Yes, John and I talked yesterday and it went well.

His first responses were "you should have knocked her out" (that is in regards to the comment about his ex-wife) and "I'm not playing a game here" that was in regards to Dd.  We talked a little right there about letting things slide.  He doesn't mean to with the kids or with me.  Last night we had a more in depth conversation.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on what you ladies posted as well as how I was feeling.  I think Susie made a good point about there being steps and I think I was ready to step it up a notch but never expressed that to Hubby, so once again, I expect him to read my mind.  And as Stormy pointed out, I put thoughts into his head without asking him why he didn't punish.  And the mrs nailed on the head when she said she would rather be spanked then be allowed to explode.  Being explosive is dangerous and especially in our house.  I feel guilty for days afterward and it makes it very hard for me to be a good mother.  I think I need the spanking so that I can pick up the pieces and move forward and aplogize to the children.  They don't deserve and angry mother/step-mother.

There are a few more things I should add before I get to what has been decided.  The last time my step-daughters were over, we had a bad moment and I ended up leaving the dinner table to go lay in bed and cry.  (leaving the dinner table is a big no-no in our house, dinner is family time, no phones, no TV just us).  John came in to find me and ask what was wrong.  I told him I wanted the divide in our family to disappear.  I'm not naive enough to think we're going be a perfect nuclear family, there are just way too many variables to get that.  We're a step-family and will never be a nuclear family.  But the division can become so intense at times I can barely handle it emotionally.  I was upset on this instance because he can deal very well with my kids' misbehavior, but when it comes to his kids, he either just lets them slide or overreacts, then I felt horrible because I'm the snitch or the one who pointed out the negative behaviors.  He said it wasn't my fault and he needed to deal with his kids' behaviors better.  I guess I expected him to notice more, so I stopped pointing out the negative behaviors and he was trying not to get too mad like I didn't want him to do.  Geez, finding that happy medium seems almost impossible. 

The second thought I want to add is that while I was feeling guilty over my outburst and upset because John didn't punish for it, I failed to acknowledge that this is only the 3rd major outburst since we started Dd.  It used to be an everyday occurance.  So, I didn't give myself the credit my husband was giving me.

So, we talked and it was good.  John agreed that I was letting that little attitude sneak up before the explosion and he needs to work on dealing with it before it gets that far.  Bringing up corner time again as well as spankings and whatever else HE feels is necessary.  He agrees that letting things slide for me and the kids (all the kids) is a bad idea and ends up with a huge fight and unsettling feelings throughout the whole household. 

I told my husband I want him to take the rose colored glasses off and start seeing my flaws.  That I can do no wrong in his eyes.  And he said "I DO see them and they're just as beautiful as you.  I also see a woman who cares enough to try."  He feels that a lot of my self guilt revolves around some of my past experiences about not being good enough.  He wants to continue with the rules that focus on me taking care of myself and growing in my self confidence.  That is what he feels is more important than me losing my temper for the 3rd time in 3 months.  (He's so smart).  I guess he's right.  Me focusing more on me has helped with the temper and anger I fostered.
And that, my friends, is why HE is head of household :)

We had more conversation about the 2 visions of "me" I have in my head but I'll put that in a post for tomorrow since this one is pretty long as it is.

And again, thank you all for your support!

Is this Real? ((long))

I've had a rough weekend.  After reading several other blogs, so did a lot of other people.  I already checked, no full moon.

We have a blended family and if anyone has ever blended a family successfully, they'd probably be millionaires because I'm pretty sure it's impossible.  We do however keep some of the drama at a minimum (I think it helps I no longer engage in any sort of conversation, cordial or not, with my husband's ex-wife, although, my husband says I probably wouldn't get spanked for knocking her out and he'd even bail me out of jail).  I stopped talking to her the day my poor husband had to wake up to his wife and his ex-wife having a brutal verbal fight in the front yard.  It took 2 1/2 years for me to finally snap at her and when I did, it was ugly.  I won't even talk to the evil bitch woman now.  My husband actually said he couldn't believe it took me that long and was really impressed especially since I got mouthy with our landlord the FIRST week I lived with him.  That should have been his sign he was in for trouble if he married me, if the red hair didn't give it away.

So, anyways, back to this weekend...

We've always had a few unnecessary problems with my 2 step-daughter's attitudes because of the situation those girls are in, but for 2 weeks things have been great!  We get them every other week, so when I say 2 weeks, I mean 2 weeks with us.  They are very disrespectful to their mother, but she made that mess and it's her problem.  They've become very respectful AND loving at our house.  Things were going great!  And maybe that's the problem.  Naturally, as humans, good people can get away with murder and bad people can't even get away with a simple bending of rules without having the book thrown at them.  So as these girls became much better behaved, we just inadvertently started letting things slide.  Really, children, especially ours, need firm, strict, constant rules to maintain a good attitude.  Seriously, think about a time when your HOH let you slide on something minor and you thought you owned the world just to end up spanked?  I've read it a million times and have never experienced anything of the sort (and if you believe that I have ocean front property in Arizona to sell ya), so I know it happens.  :)

Well, that finally caught up with us and we've had a bad week in regards to their attitudes and disrespect, only my husband is the new leader, so I kept standing back waiting for him to address the issues.  Every time he'd let something going on right in front of his face slide, they'd get smug and give me that "look" and I get angry.  This continued all week until thing finally exploded on Saturday.  I was more mad at him and not them because he had let it get this far and I snapped him, all kids there watching as I explained how he let something go that was right in front of his face while he was engrossed in the TV (we don't watch much TV, so that was a completely unfair statement).

The sad part is, I didn't get punished for the same reason I never get punished for the most harmful thing I do for our marriage and our family.  I have a short fuse and I get angry easily.  I snap and I yell and I can be harmful with my words and he just lets it slide because he snaps too.  I just wish he'd step up and take charge of the situation.  I'm not supposed to let things go that much until I snap, yet I've done it many times since we've started and have never been punished for it.  I know it's too much to expect him to be responsible for my attitude.  I take my role as submissive wife very seriously, I really try to do everything he asks, follow all timelines he gives me, but I'm still falling short, but here's where I want him to step up and show me he's serious.

I'm starting to wonder if he's serious about Dd.  If he really wants to do this or if it's something he just does for fun.  I've only been punished a handful of times and all for minor issues.  I really don't know how I feel right now.

Aaah, Finally a Reconnection with my HOH

Yes, after 2 weeks of passing each other on the way out the door and barely seeing each other, we went on a date, to a concert, it was so much fun, but we were exhausted when we got home and no energy for reconnection.  :(  Then a couple more days of passing by, then FINALLY we have time for each other.  I received a reconnect spanking last night and it was overdue.

OK, let's rewind a bit.  My hubby and I work overnights but not always the same nights.  So, for 2 weeks, he worked when I was off and I worked when he was off.  We seen each other in the afternoon when it was time to pick up the kids until it was time for 1 of us to go to work.  Yes, we'd have that little bit of time together but that's the busiest time for us as a family.  It's get kids, homework, dinner, cleaning up from dinner, baths, pjs, and getting dressed for work.  Not to mention that staggered bedtimes to get all the kids to bed.  Then it's "bye, see ya later (maybe)".  If it's him that goes to work, he leaves about the time I've started baths.  Sucky!

I became increasingly distant from him that even if we'd get a moment here or there, I just didn't feel connected to him.  I wouldn't even look at him any more than I do complete strangers out and about.  I remember sitting down at the dinner table, we're all talking and hanging out and things feel "fine" but I turned to face him as he was talking and realized that's the first time I looked at him all afternoon/evening and I missed him.  I really craved a reconnection but at the same time couldn't be bothered by it.  Anyone know how I felt?

So, we finally got the reconnect last night and it was nice.  He asked if I wanted to do it and I said yes and no and that my spanko sisters would know what I meant by that.

I honestly think I want another one tonight.  Now I'm wondering what on Earth is wrong with me lol.

Update

John has challenged me to make 5 new friends in a month.  Why the challenge?  Well, because I have a hard time making friends.

I was in an abusive relationship several years ago with my former fiance and son's father.  During the 2 years of this relationship I was isolated and wasn't allowed to talk to the friends I had at the time or make new ones.

A part of me has held on to some of that "I'm not worthy" mentality that my former fiance instilled in me and it's really difficult for me to step out of my shell and just simply say "hi" then see where that goes.

So far I've made 3 friends!  Yay!  One from work and 2 women I kind of knew but never really did anything with them.

The definition of what makes a friend is completely up to me, but I'm not allowed to cheat just to make my quota.  I have to really feel like I've made a new friend.

Actually, now that I think of it, there's 2 people on blogger I feel I've connected with on some level.  I may not be ready to go out a meet anyone, but I do feel like I've made some new friends here.  Even if I don't know their real names, so thank you Susie and Ana.  I think I've made my quota!  :)

It wasn't a spankable offense, but my husband loves watching me step out of my shell and become more like the me I want to be.  He fell in love with a wonderful woman 3 years ago and that woman just keeps getting better and Dd has certainly helped that.  It makes me feel more feminine and who would have thought I'd actually enjoy that.

Date night was awesome, the concert was so much fun and I actually mingled with other people there which is completely new to me, so there's another plus.

And I missed 1 day on my iron since my last post but since I took it since then, John is going to just let this one go with a warning.  He's such a fair man.  :)

Corner time

John says it's been too long since I've posted.  Things have been crazy around here (what's new right?) and we've been working opposite each other.  When he's off, I'm working and when I'm off, he's working so things in Dd have been slow to say the least.  It's like we're passing ships these days.  Sunday though we're going on a date.  We have tickets to a concert and are going out to eat before hand so we'll be able to catch up but until then I'm off tonight, tomorrow night and Friday night but he works all those nights, then I work Saturday night but he's off, it's been like that since last Friday night. :(

I figured on this post I'll talk about corner time.  He tried it once a long time ago.  We tried things out for a while before this thing actually took off and we became serious about it.  One of the things he tried was corner time.  I pouted, said no, then stomped off to our bedroom and we've not done it since.  I don't think either one of us was serious about Dd back then.  He was wildly inconsistent and I wanted to top from the bottom as the saying goes.  I'd done most of the research and knew more about how other people do this thing than he did.  He knew next to nothing and was completely unsure of himself.  Not to mention all of those societal ideas about how this thing is "wrong".  I also wasn't sensitive to the thought that it would take him time to get used to the role of leader or HOH or that it would take time for me to learn to hand over control.  Who knew I was such a control freak.

The second time we tried this thing we do, I was more focused on what my role was and not his.  I focused on how to be a more submissive wife and focused less on his role as leader.  Once I did that I think it was easier for him to step up, he was no longer fighting me for control.  I think he felt less like he was doing it wrong too.

So back to corner time.  I think it flopped that one time we ever tried because neither one of us was in the mind set we needed to be in for a true Dd dynamic to work.  Now that we're in a better place, I think it might actually be helpful for those times my attitude starts toeing that line.  When I'm just a tiny bit snippy or grumpy when I don't need to be, but a spanking isn't warranted.  Maybe we should give it another try?  It might help bring more peace into our lives.  Things have already calmed down a bit around here and I'm starting to like a less stressful family life around here and this may help even more.  I think I'll bring it up to him to see what he thinks and I'll keep you readers up to date on how that works for us.

On another note, since John is the new HOH, I deflect a lot of decisions to him now, like whether or not the kids can play with the neighbors after homework.  If it's OK with me, I'll tell them "I'm OK with it, but you need to ask Dad" and the other day I got this response from my son "everything's ask Dad, what do I always have to go to Dad now?"  I said "because that's our new family dynamic, we both have to approve you leaving the home now".  I think it's humorous the kids are starting to notice now.

Oh, and I did take my iron today :)

Maintenance, Newlyweds and Marriage

So I made the second deadline :)  My app is filled out and ready to turn in Monday complete with resume and phone number!

Maintenance went well the other day.  We started by just talking.  We have an upcoming trip on which we'll get to see an old friend of mine.  She's been married to her husband since she was 16 and she's the same age as me (late 20s).  We were talking about how they're still happily married after all these years and how she posts things about her husband that are similar in tone to what I post about mine and I've only been married for a short period of time, we'd even still be considered newly weds (I think, when is the cut off anyways?).

This led into us talking about our marriage and how we feel we have what it takes to make our marriage last.  I know most people don't start their marriage thinking of the end and they all believe they have what it takes, but I truly believe we do.  What is it that we have?  Dd :) OK, actually that was a joke (sort of), what we have is the belief that marriages don't just work but they take work.  They take a conscious effort from both people to fight for their marriage no matter what (and believe me when I tell you I feel we've had to fight harder than most newly weds do [key words "I feel"]).  As long as we both fight, we'll never lose.  There are a million and one things out there; people, ex-wives, jobs, society, life; that are working against our marriage and we have got to work for it not expect it to work for us.

A couple of examples we actually sited in our talk:

1) In the beginning, when John and I would fight, I would talk to my daughter's father.  Now before anyone jumps to the wrong conclusion about this, I actually had good intentions.  I talked to him because he always had my best interests at heart but he could offer the male perspective.  He's always been for my marriage with John and defended John while protecting my feelings.  He always sent me back to him.  I talked to him because I trusted he wouldn't try to end my marriage and I needed to vent to someone who wouldn't bash my husband and call him a jerk or take advantage of my vulnerable situation.  My daughter's father was actually the friend from the "not interested" posts who convinced me to give John a chance.  I'll get more into our friendship another time, but for now, trust me when I tell you he's never been a threat to my marriage.  The problem comes in that I was going to him before talking to my husband and that just wasn't what I truly wanted to do.  So, I had to make an effort to not pick up my phone every time John made me mad, but instead go to him.  This same concept is the reason I don't tell my female friends when we fight until it's been resolved and also why I have him read my posts before publishing.  I don't think ANYONE should know I'm mad at him or why until he does and it's been resolved.

2) I didn't know this before last night, but one of the reasons he no longer hangs out with a good friend of his who was actually our best man in our wedding is his negative attitude.  Similar to when women get together, they start belittling their husbands, when men get together they start bashing women.  These are simple, seemingly harmless comments, but over time, can cause damage to a relationship, not to mention it's disrespectful.  But, I guess one day John decided they made him feel uncomfortable and began hanging around more positive people.  I'm glad we talked about this particular instance because I was feeling guilty about John not spending much time with his best friend since we got married.  I always felt it was a little my fault.

And finally, I got the chance to apologize for a demeaning comment I made about his career choice shortly before we started this Dd lifestyle.  It was way out of line and I probably should have been spanked for it even though we weren't actively practicing Dd at the time.  I not only put down his job in a particular area where my career choice and his collide, I brought it up during a party at which we had friends in attendence from both careers.  It was his career against mine and involved most people at the party in this less than respectful debate which ended in hurt feelings on both side instead of an agreement to disagree.  I'm not really sorry for my feelings on the subject, but I am truly sorry for the way I said it and the way I involved others.  I could have been a friendly debate between us and we could have just agreed to disagree and laugh while we shared a drink.  That's what we should have done.

After this long, emotional talk on marriage and particularly, our marriage, we finally got to maintenance.  It was sweet and romantic (can spanking be sweet and romantic?)  Yes there were tears and a little bit of fight, but I felt so warm before during and after the spanking and not just on my bottom though it was there too ;)

I don't get very many punishment spankings so I guess my Dd life is somewhat boring, but I really do desire to be a good wife and I think I just needed that accountability and the reassurance through maintenance to make his dominance known to my inner feminine side which I'm actually enjoying getting to know and I'm sure John's enjoying discovering he married a woman not a guy. :)

Today I feel happy and at peace, calm, loved and very feminine.  I hope everyone has a very blessed Easter weekend.

Update

Well, I picked up that application, then I realized I needed to get a phone number for a reference for me to put on the application, but I have to get it from work and I don't work again until Friday night at 11pm which would put me late on getting the application filled out by Friday.  I did explain to John and he said that as long as I got the number put on it before midnight.  I feel a little like Cinderella lol.

Today we finished up all the little details of spring cleaning and I just about got in trouble.  I got several warnings about my attitude.  I guess if I have to admit it, that's when I get stressed.  At the little details phase when we're putting everything back together.  You see, once that majority of the work is done, John starts getting in "everything's done" mode, but to me, nothing's done until all the little details have been tied together, so I get frustrated and crabby.  I did have to walk out side a couple of times to cool off before addressing another task.  I managed to get completely done with all the spring cleaning (except outside, but we have 5 kids, so tomorrow when they're all home, we're handing them all trash bags and sending them out lol) without a "you're in trouble" but then again I AM scheduled for maintenance tonight, so my attitude may me addressed then.

Speaking of maintenance, it was supposed to me last night.  I was so exhausted, I wasn't really in the mood.  Then, John asked me what I feel is a trick question with no right answer, he asked "do you want to do maintenance tonight?"  Can I answer that question honestly without getting in trouble?  It turns out I can.  I told him "I'm really exhausted and would prefer not to, but I realize it's not my decision"  I guess that was the right answer because he responded that we'd do it "tomorrow night" which is now tonight.

Oh!  Back to spring cleaning and my attitude...I was getting stressed and maybe a tad bit snippy (maybe just a little, maybe), so anyways, John said he was going to hire a maid.  I told him he didn't need to hire one because he married one, duh!  He said he wanted one who'd clean his house in a little maid's outfit.  He said this to try to lighten my mood.  It must have worked because I stomped off into my room and slammed to door.  A few minutes later, I returned to him.  He said "well welcome back drama queen" then turned around to see his wife dressed in a little maid's outfit (yes the sexy kind ;).  After cleaning like that for a few seconds, I was dragged to the bedroom.

I prefer bedroom time when we're both not wearing any pants rather than the kind when I'm the only one bare. : P

Stepping into His HOH Role

I have a job that I like, but there's another job I really want.  The schedule would work better for my family, it pays more and I'd get benefits from it not to mention it's something I've really wanted to do for a while now.

A friend/co-worker who also works for the employer of the job I want told me last year about May that there were 2 openings coming up.  I applied and interviewed then waited to hear back from them.  I didn't get it.  I've interviewed for jobs and not gotten them before.  It was no big deal.  I just kept on hunting.  But I took this one kind of hard.  I think it's because I really wanted it and I don't need it.

Well, she told me a couple of weeks ago that there was a job opening coming up for next year again.  She said I should apply and I really should, but I don't want to feel that let down again.  I have a job that I like for the most part.  I got a lot of positive feed back about my interview they just hired someone who had connections in the higher departments.  Basically she had the job already before I even interviewed.  I've been putting off going to get an application.

I guess John decided it was time for him to step in.  I have until Wednesday to pick up an application, Friday to have in completed and Monday to get it turned in or I get spanked.  He also said that if I don't get the job this year, I will apply for it again and again every year until I get the job.  And he just informed me that I will get spanked for each missed deadline.

I think he's starting to get comfortable with this HOH stuff I think.

Hopefully I won't get spanked and hopefully I will get the job.

Caught in Maintanence

I received a maintenance last night and this is what happened...

My thought process was a little different this time.  I really wanted to submit and worked very hard at it.  I can't say I succeeded with flying colors but I did OK.  I kept trying to do breathing exercises to relax and submit and I kept thinking "this is my husband and I love and trust him so just relax".  I finally hit the tears phase and he grabbed me into him and I just laid there on his chest and I felt so at peace and in love with him. 

He then began to bend me over for other fun activities but just then my son popped his head in one of the windows!  Eek!  After he ran off I heard voices outside.  John said my son was out there talking to a neighbor, so now I'm freaking out.  Did my son hear the spanking?  Did the neighbor?  What does everyone know?  Yikes!  As we walked out of the garage, John waved at the neighbor my son had been talking to, but I was too embarrassed to look at him.  I just knew he knew something.

After, John and I were leaving to head out with some friends and as we drove past our front porch, our son was out there and he just waved at us all happy and smiles.  Does he know anything?

This is the way I figure it.  If my son thought he had heard a spanking, I'm sure he would have said something to us along the lines of "Mommy, why was Daddy spanking you?" or "What was Daddy doing to you in there?".  I figure since he didn't say anything (I'm pretty sure he's used to us having sex now as he's the one who always catches us), he didn't hear the spanking or suspect anything along those lines.  And if he didn't hear it, then it's pretty safe to say the neighbor didn't hear it.  Right?  Geeze, I hope that's right.

But, no one called to cops on us, so that's probably a pretty good sign, right?

OK, now after that story, I want to process through why I think I need a spanking marriage.  Is it the male dominance that I find so damn sexy?  Maybe.  But I have been working on a more submissive role as wife and praying for my husband to take charge in our family since before I even knew what Dd was.  So this leads me to think that there may be women out there who desire a strong authoritative man who leads the family, they may be submissive wives and have other ways of enforcing this dynamic but have no desire for a spanking and would leave if one ever took place (maybe).  So, to us Dd wives, we need the dynamic to be enforced with spanking and other forms of discipline.  And to take it a step further, we want spankings even when we're not in trouble.  Maintenance anyone?  I have to wonder why?  I think there's something that happens to me when I fully give myself over to him.  It's a trust thing to.  I essentially give myself over for a spanking and I allow him an implement.  I don't know, I certainly don't have any answers, just a crazy brain trying to process the whys of it all.

Any ideas from any readers out there?