We have a blended family and if anyone has ever blended a family successfully, they'd probably be millionaires because I'm pretty sure it's impossible. We do however keep some of the drama at a minimum (I think it helps I no longer engage in any sort of conversation, cordial or not, with my husband's ex-wife, although, my husband says I probably wouldn't get spanked for knocking her out and he'd even bail me out of jail). I stopped talking to her the day my poor husband had to wake up to his wife and his ex-wife having a brutal verbal fight in the front yard. It took 2 1/2 years for me to finally snap at her and when I did, it was ugly. I won't even talk to the evil
So, anyways, back to this weekend...
We've always had a few unnecessary problems with my 2 step-daughter's attitudes because of the situation those girls are in, but for 2 weeks things have been great! We get them every other week, so when I say 2 weeks, I mean 2 weeks with us. They are very disrespectful to their mother, but she made that mess and it's her problem. They've become very respectful AND loving at our house. Things were going great! And maybe that's the problem. Naturally, as humans, good people can get away with murder and bad people can't even get away with a simple bending of rules without having the book thrown at them. So as these girls became much better behaved, we just inadvertently started letting things slide. Really, children, especially ours, need firm, strict, constant rules to maintain a good attitude. Seriously, think about a time when your HOH let you slide on something minor and you thought you owned the world just to end up spanked? I've read it a million times and have never experienced anything of the sort (and if you believe that I have ocean front property in Arizona to sell ya), so I know it happens. :)
Well, that finally caught up with us and we've had a bad week in regards to their attitudes and disrespect, only my husband is the new leader, so I kept standing back waiting for him to address the issues. Every time he'd let something going on right in front of his face slide, they'd get smug and give me that "look" and I get angry. This continued all week until thing finally exploded on Saturday. I was more mad at him and not them because he had let it get this far and I snapped him, all kids there watching as I explained how he let something go that was right in front of his face while he was engrossed in the TV (we don't watch much TV, so that was a completely unfair statement).
The sad part is, I didn't get punished for the same reason I never get punished for the most harmful thing I do for our marriage and our family. I have a short fuse and I get angry easily. I snap and I yell and I can be harmful with my words and he just lets it slide because he snaps too. I just wish he'd step up and take charge of the situation. I'm not supposed to let things go that much until I snap, yet I've done it many times since we've started and have never been punished for it. I know it's too much to expect him to be responsible for my attitude. I take my role as submissive wife very seriously, I really try to do everything he asks, follow all timelines he gives me, but I'm still falling short, but here's where I want him to step up and show me he's serious.
I'm starting to wonder if he's serious about Dd. If he really wants to do this or if it's something he just does for fun. I've only been punished a handful of times and all for minor issues. I really don't know how I feel right now.
Suzie,
ReplyDeleteI can only speak from my own experience here but those little things that he punishes for...it's a bit like practice. It's how they seem to gain their confidence and their stride in Dd. The hard part does start if you both choose to handle some of these more serious issues. You sort of hit the nail on the head though. It is really hard for them to hold us accountable on things where they also struggle. If he snaps, then he will likely not have the gumption to hold you accountable for snapping. We have faced similar issues. We sat down and talked about it. I expressed my desire for help in a few areas where I knew he also struggled. We decided together to make changes in those areas and we held each other mutually accountable. If he failed, I went to him and respectfully pointed it out. If I failed, he spanked. It may seem unfair, but boy...these things made him raise the bar on his behavior in a hurry. He beat himself up terribly a few times when he failed but b/c he was also accountable, he was able to help me.
It's a big step, but talk to him. It may not be that he's not taking this seriously. It's just that this next part of the walk takes a new level of commitment and it is something you have to face together if it's going to work. Let us know how it goes. Will be thinking about you.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I don't think I ever thought of it as a new level. I guess in many ways, we're still newbies. It took us so long to get from the "talking about it" phase to the "acting on it" phase. We plan on sitting down this evening to discuss this new level. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to post an update even if it's small one. We've already had a small discussion yesterday.
DeleteAgain, thank you for your encouragement.
I've been feeling the same way Suzie! Happened to me last night. I got really angry and snapped at my husband. He got out of bed and I followed him around the house arguing with him. (I'm really embarrassed about the way I acted). The argument totally escalated into something it shouldn't have. Which im upset about, but im frustrated that he didn't just put a stop to it and spank me. I would rather that happen than what did happen. We both apologized to each other this morning but I still feel soooo bad about it. Not sure what to do about it. But it's so nice to talk to you about these things as we are both newbies to all of this. :) I hope you two are able to get some quiet time to talk things through. Can't wait for your next post! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I have this support community online. It has helped me out so much already and probably will continue to. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling and some people who have already been through this can give me insight and let me see that we can and will get past all our little hiccups.
DeleteSuzie,
ReplyDeleteIt's very easy to assume and assign. Assume we know what our husbands are thinking, and assign them motives for their actions. But, we just don't always know- so it's important to ask. Sometimes we have all these complicated ideas and theories about why they are doing something, and they just wanted a beer and a nap..lol. Their intent is never to hurt, most of the time they want to be exactly what we want! Our happiness is very important, but if they don't feel like a success in this area, they will shut down and look for other ways to feel successful.
You have a tough situation. Perhaps he thinks you deserve grace due to the stress involved. Talk to him. :) Tell him you don't want to be allowed to "lose it" because you feel terrible, it's a bad example to the children you are trying to shape and mold, etc.
You'll get there. Like Susie said, there are steps along the way.
Thanks Stormy for your input. We actually had a great conversation last night about where things are and where we want to go next. I'm looking forward to posting about it later this afternoon/evening. I actually used your respect conversation you had with your husband. It was such a great idea!
DeleteWell to tell you the truth, I did not spank you because I was mad at myself for snapping back at you. I was in the wrong and i did not feel that i should spank you when i did the same thing! Im working on the snapping back and you can bet your bottum that im not just playing a game, this is what i want and it will be the lifesyle which we live by from now on! And yes ladies we did talk and thank you all for supporting her and i
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see your husband weighing in here, and I think probably you are being too hard on yourself. (Easy to say) I'm glad you both talked, and I hope you can find something that works for you. It's okay if you don't have everything figured out yet. Hugs and lots of encouragement.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Ana! We did have a great conversation!
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