"The Talk"

Thank you everyone for all your support!  I can never say enough what it means to me!

Yes, John and I talked yesterday and it went well.

His first responses were "you should have knocked her out" (that is in regards to the comment about his ex-wife) and "I'm not playing a game here" that was in regards to Dd.  We talked a little right there about letting things slide.  He doesn't mean to with the kids or with me.  Last night we had a more in depth conversation.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on what you ladies posted as well as how I was feeling.  I think Susie made a good point about there being steps and I think I was ready to step it up a notch but never expressed that to Hubby, so once again, I expect him to read my mind.  And as Stormy pointed out, I put thoughts into his head without asking him why he didn't punish.  And the mrs nailed on the head when she said she would rather be spanked then be allowed to explode.  Being explosive is dangerous and especially in our house.  I feel guilty for days afterward and it makes it very hard for me to be a good mother.  I think I need the spanking so that I can pick up the pieces and move forward and aplogize to the children.  They don't deserve and angry mother/step-mother.

There are a few more things I should add before I get to what has been decided.  The last time my step-daughters were over, we had a bad moment and I ended up leaving the dinner table to go lay in bed and cry.  (leaving the dinner table is a big no-no in our house, dinner is family time, no phones, no TV just us).  John came in to find me and ask what was wrong.  I told him I wanted the divide in our family to disappear.  I'm not naive enough to think we're going be a perfect nuclear family, there are just way too many variables to get that.  We're a step-family and will never be a nuclear family.  But the division can become so intense at times I can barely handle it emotionally.  I was upset on this instance because he can deal very well with my kids' misbehavior, but when it comes to his kids, he either just lets them slide or overreacts, then I felt horrible because I'm the snitch or the one who pointed out the negative behaviors.  He said it wasn't my fault and he needed to deal with his kids' behaviors better.  I guess I expected him to notice more, so I stopped pointing out the negative behaviors and he was trying not to get too mad like I didn't want him to do.  Geez, finding that happy medium seems almost impossible. 

The second thought I want to add is that while I was feeling guilty over my outburst and upset because John didn't punish for it, I failed to acknowledge that this is only the 3rd major outburst since we started Dd.  It used to be an everyday occurance.  So, I didn't give myself the credit my husband was giving me.

So, we talked and it was good.  John agreed that I was letting that little attitude sneak up before the explosion and he needs to work on dealing with it before it gets that far.  Bringing up corner time again as well as spankings and whatever else HE feels is necessary.  He agrees that letting things slide for me and the kids (all the kids) is a bad idea and ends up with a huge fight and unsettling feelings throughout the whole household. 

I told my husband I want him to take the rose colored glasses off and start seeing my flaws.  That I can do no wrong in his eyes.  And he said "I DO see them and they're just as beautiful as you.  I also see a woman who cares enough to try."  He feels that a lot of my self guilt revolves around some of my past experiences about not being good enough.  He wants to continue with the rules that focus on me taking care of myself and growing in my self confidence.  That is what he feels is more important than me losing my temper for the 3rd time in 3 months.  (He's so smart).  I guess he's right.  Me focusing more on me has helped with the temper and anger I fostered.
And that, my friends, is why HE is head of household :)

We had more conversation about the 2 visions of "me" I have in my head but I'll put that in a post for tomorrow since this one is pretty long as it is.

And again, thank you all for your support!