Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Codependent, independent and interdependent

In Sunday school we're doing a series on the book our church does for couples in premarital counseling.  It was interesting to study the book before we got married and I actually really enjoyed doing it with John, but it's even more interesting studying it now that we've been married for over a year and a half.  In the book, it discusses the difference between codependent, independent and interdependent relationships.  Obviously, the strongest relationships are interdependent, but it's such a struggle for me to get there. 

I used to be very codependent in my relationship with my former fiance.  He was very controlling and abusive and I thought I could not live my life, take care of my son or function as an adult without his "guidance".   Luckily, I was able, with the help and guidance of law enforcement officers (OK I say guidance, but what really happened was more of an intervention), to get out of that relationship and I discovered I'm actually pretty good at being an adult, although I did go through intensive counseling after to get through the PTSD I suffer and learn to cope with life again.

After, I became very independent by necessity.  I was a single mom and as such there was no one for me to depend on.  I was it.  So, I did everything by myself.  I'm good at it, but I always wanted a little support.  Emotional, physical and financial.  I wanted a husband.  Who knew once I found one, turning off that single mom mode would be so dang difficult.

My husband's career path is difficult for us.  He works long hours, over nights and unplanned overtime.  I'm left taking care of our home and family by myself often.  However, when he is home, he wants to be included, so I have to switch from leading role to supporting actor.  This switch isn't easy for me to accomplish smoothly. 

Sometimes, I just wish he had a normal job with normal hours.  As it is now, I sleep by myself at night, get up in the morning to get the kids ready by myself, my husband comes home in time to drop the kids off at school together, then he crawls into bed after a quick kiss goodnight because he's exhausted from his long night.  So I do household chores and take care of the kids who are home all day, solve any problems that come up, and save the world.  Then he wakes up and it's pick up the kids, making dinner and helping with homework.  We all sit down together and eat dinner, then he dresses for work and is out the door, again, after a quick kiss.  I bathe the kids and get them tucked in at night then crawl into bed alone. Our sex life is reduced to a series of quickies which are fun, but sometimes I want him to make slow, passionate love to me for hours, kissing and touching all over, then fall over sweaty and exhausted and sleep next to each other naked.  We don't even have time for reconnect spankings.  I start to emotionally shut down and go into auto pilot.  A defense mechanism my body has created over time.  Then, he gets mad when I go into supermom mode, but I don't know how else to be when he's not here and when he is he's asleep or a zombie.  He tells me he'll get up early to help with x,y and z, but then he doesn't, so I've begun to not rely on him in that aspect.  Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of my husband and what it is he does, also, with my previous experience as a single mom, I am more equipped to be his wife.  His job is very demanding and unpredictable.  I just need to know exactly what part of me he needs and when, so I can prepare mentally.  It's just a huge let down when he says he's going to be there and he's not and it's not as big of a let down when we already know he won't be there.

If you've been reading regularly, you know I had an emotional break down last week and got snappy over the weekend.  But, with our busy life, my husband hasn't had the time to bring me back to normal again.  I've already begun the emotional shut down process.  Now I don't even want a reconnect spanking because I'm afraid to feel the pain that is sitting there waiting to bubble over.  I don't want him to touch me, because I'm afraid of relying on him.  Sometimes I feel like his wife-on-a-shelf.  He sets me up there when he's too busy to deal with me and I am forgotten, then when he realizes he'd like his wife there he goes to get me and I'm expected to be available.

This was all just me processing some of the thoughts and feelings running through my pretty little head.  Honestly, what I really desire is for my husband to run off to his job to save the world and not worry about what's going on at home.  To know and rest assured that his wife has things handled at home, that she's OK and his children are cared for and that they'll be there when he gets home.  Then, when he comes home, I want for him to be able to forget (although never completely) the demands of his job and take care of his family, to be cared for, loved and respected by his wife and children.  To be included.  I don't want him to come home to being an outsider because we've had to deal on our own for a little bit.  I want to be able to emotionally handle all of this and be his perfect little wife.  He says I am the perfect wife but he sees me through rose colored glasses I think.

So, I am going to end the post with some positive thoughts so you all don't think I'm always such a negative person.  Yesterday afternoon, I had a good time making origami dresses with my girls then teaching my kids how swing dance and two-step.  I am looking forward to a couple of date nights this month.  First is our second 1-year anniversary (if you would like me to explain why we have a second 1-year anniversary, e-mail me and I'll be glad to tell you the story) so we're planning to go out to dinner at a semi-nice restaurant.  It's not black tie, but it's not Applebee's either and I get to wear a sexy dress and high heels.  Towards the end of the month, we have a belated birthday trip to a nearby city.  My birthday was several months ago and I received tickets to see one of my favorite bands perform this month, so we've planned a little overnight trip.  It should be a lot of fun and I can't wait, then next month is our family vacation.  I also can't wait for that.  So, I have a lot to be excited about. 

I love my husband and am really proud of his career choice.  I just need to learn to be more interdependent with him.  Able to do it on my own if necessary, but lean on him when he's available.  That's the wife I wish to be.

10 comments:

  1. I would like to start this off by saying that i love me wife with all my heart, there is not anything she could do to make me not love her! Yes my job takes alot out of me, i am in a job where my safety cames after the safety of the public. Yes i am a law enforcement officer, which means im working 24/7. There are times that i have to go to the office with no notice except a phone call or text message. I try hard to balance my home life and my work some times its hard. I hope my wife knows that her and the kids will always be first the only thing that is important to me. These past months have been crazy, i have worked alot of overtime. There are time where i plan on getting up early to help around the house or to just spend time with my wife, but i dont get up. Well baby if i say im getting up early please come and drag my ass out of bed. I also agree that we need to spend more time together and i also want to make love all night long. So lets try to get this fixed

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  2. I didn't see you as coming across as negative. You were just telling it like it is. Changing gears is hard. Working opposite hours is wearing. Not being able to bounce things off each other at a whim is difficult.

    I love the concept of interdependence it is something we try to do as well. I hoped it helped to write this out and hear back from John and know you were heard.

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    1. Actually, it did help to put it out there and work through some of my feelings. Talking it over with John has also helped.

      Thank you for the support, as always. Sometimes I feel like all my negativity is coming out in this blog and you all miss the goofy, fun me.

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  3. Hello sweetheart,

    (maybe it sounds funny to call you that, but it's the word that popped into my mind because that's how I felt as I read this post)

    Your HOH keeps telling you that you DO NOT NEED TO BE PERFECT. You've been through hell, and you very understandably have some behavior patterns as a result of that. You're saving the world one child at a time, and it's not easy. You have needs just like any normal human being, and it's a very screwed-up mom and wife who pretends not to. It's hard to adjust. It's not a marriage, no, but it takes me time to adjust to D being here and then not here...sometimes she is gone for 5-6 weeks and it is a very hard adjustment both ways. Give yourself a break. It will take you time to adjust, it will take your HOH time to adjust, and it's okay if you can't do it perfectly and instantly.

    I hope you have a really lovely night out.

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  4. Awe, this was such a sweet comment! As I wrote this post I realized that because I can handle things by myself at home, I'm the perfect cop's wife. Something I'd never thought of before today. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

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  5. It must be challenging to be on such different schedules...but it sounds like you are both trying and your goal for interdependency is a really good one!

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    1. It really is a struggle but I think it goes back quality time vs quantity.

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  6. My husband was in law inforcement over 20 years. Seemed like every time we would get things working someway, his schedule would change again. The career is so hard for both spouses in so many ways. I will say a prayer for you both that things will work out better for you both. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. Thank you Belle, for reading and commenting and also for the prayers. It means a lot.

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