Still learning

Today was a bad day.  I'm normally not one of those people who can jump out of bed and start my day.  I wake up grumpy and that is all.  So, I figured out a long time ago that I could wake up an hour before anyone, take my shower, watch the news and enjoy my cup of coffee, then I could be grumpy in peace and when it became time to wake up the rest of my family, I'd be in a better mood and we wouldn't start the day on the wrong foot.  Not today though.  I woke up, took a shower, poured a cup of coffee and turned on the news (see I had good intentions) but then I went back to sleep.  So, I was grumpy when I woke up the kids to get ready.  Then the baby (who's not really a baby anymore but I still call her one) kept climbing out of the bathtub and every time I picked her up it hurt my wrist, so I huffed into my room and slammed the door, John jumped out of bed and yelled "what the hell is wrong with you!!!"  After we shouted some mean things at each other, he went back to bed and I went about getting the kids ready.

Now, we're a DD couple, so I should have been spanked, but instead we went back into our old routine of arguing instead.  After he woke up later to take me to the doctor's, he held me and told me he was sorry he yelled.  Since he was just as out of line as I was then he wasn't going to punish me this time but the next time he wouldn't yell, just drag me (not literally, he would never actually drag me anywhere) out to the garage and take care of it right then.

I am relieved he took the time to think about it and come up with what he felt was a fair decision.  I relieved I didn't get punished for this even though I deserved it.  I really wish I didn't go off the handle and get angry this morning and I hate that I caused John to get mad also.

Adjusting to these new roles is not easy.  I really want to be submissive, I want to give my husband the respect he deserves, but I'm just not good at it and old habits die hard.  This is hard.  I'm not trying to disobey him, I'm not trying to disrespect him, I'm not trying to test him to see if he's serious and will punish me.  I just am hot tempered and sometimes short sighted.  I think over time and through perseverance from both of us, we'll figure out this whole new dynamic for our marriage, but right now, I think we're both struggling.

From Not Interested to in Love...Finale

After our "friend" attempted to break us up but only succeeded in bringing us closer together, I actually started giving John a chance.  I became more relaxed with him, still wasn't ready to have sex with him which apparently pissed everyone else off but me and him (go figure).  I started rearranging his house and we brought some of my stuff in from the shed we stored it in.  We would sit around and daydream about if we had a wedding what it would look like.

We went on a picnic one day with a group from church and as we were driving home, we again were talking about wedding details for an imaginary wedding we didn't actually plan on having when we realized we really were planning our wedding.  So, that's how we got engaged, no big proposal, no dropping the ring, anxious waiting for an answer, no tearful yes.  Just a realization that it just felt right.  So, we had started planning our wedding before we decided we wanted to marry each other without ever realizing that's what we were doing.

We started to refer to ourselves as "unofficially engaged" because I didn't have a ring yet.  I relaxed with him enough to roll over one night and show him how much I was beginning to love him and I still remember that night, how amazing it was to wait until I was in love to make love (go figure lol).  I of course conceived our baby that night (also go figure).  I remember how nervous I was as we bought a home test and waiting for it to give me an answer and shakily calling John to come and double check I was reading it right.

We went to a wedding show to get ideas and book vendors.  Afterward, we went shopping at the mall when he teasingly said to me, "let's go look at wedding rings, we'll eventually need one of those".  So we went to the jewelry store and the female consultant and I started having fun with trying on rings  figuring out what I wanted (I get compliments on my set all the time), then she looked up at one time and said "we should probably get your ring size. 'cause...umm...he just paid for them."

I, like most normal people, started to get cold feet as our wedding date approached, but thankfully, we had decided premarital counseling was important to us and that helped overcome a lot of the anxiety I was having.  It continues to help to this day as we recall what we learned throughout our marriage.  While, I wanted my wedding to be beautiful and perfect, I wanted my marriage to last "'til death do us part".

So, there it is, seems less entertaining typed out than it was living it, but it's our story and I love it.  It's very unique to us.  Maybe someday I'll explain how I ended up with my perfect wedding even though it was seemingly impossible since I'm very contradictory and wanted 2 very different weddings.  That's another story of someone who tried to ruin everything John and I have but only succeeded in giving us more than what we had before the evil plot.

Connecting Through Maintenance

This post may be short (hopefully) because I don't have a lot of time.  I have to get the kids lunch before heading out to meet a friend for some girl time.  I'm super excited because I love this friend but we hardly ever get together anymroe and if we do our husbands and kids are there.  This is time we'll get to spend time together just me and her.  Also, a warning, I'm on Vicodin right now for pain in my wrist so hopefully I can make this make sense.

I received a maintenance last night and it was amazing.  I know it sounds weird but it was.  He sat criss-crossed on the bed and laid me over his lap.  He started out slow and soft then progressed.  I think maybe I should explain why we chose to do maintenance.  It's because I have got to learn to stay still for safety reasons.  He held me so close and spoke softly to me encouraging me.  He kept telling me how good I was doing about maintaining my position.  He even at one point had me look back and watch him as he swung so I could see that he was doing it hard and I was still staying in position.  I still wiggled a little bit and tried to roll off his lap at one point but I am getting better and he's so encouraging.  I feel so connected to him these days and I really didn't think it could get better but it really has.

That's all for now, not much here but right now it's a rule to blog after spankings so there he goes.  I loved the comforting words he spoke and the soft sound of his voice.  His strong arm holding me and helping me to get through.  I'm starting to think I'm addicted to maintenance spankings lol.  Not punishment ones though :)

Moving Forward

So we had our talk and I'm feeling more confident today.  It was pointed out to me many many times before and again last night that I have this habit of jumping into something new head first.  I feel like I don't.  I research, a lot, and when I say a lot I mean A LOT.  I've read and read and read about DD and everyone's opinions.  I've dissected it and decided what was right for us and what wasn't.  I've spent hours, days, weeks, months reading.  Then I felt ready to present to my husband, anyone else see a problem with this equation?  For those who can't (I didn't so don't feel bad) I'll point it out.  Our marriage had 2 people in it, but only 1 was doing the research for something that would forever change our relationship.  I took charge of him taking charge, yeah that makes sense right?  He had no clue what I was thinking because I didn't involve him then I expected everything to run smoothly.  I expected our DD relationship to work like all those experienced couples out there on the internet, but we're just beginners.  And he needs time to research and we need to talk and make decisions together.  We're not taking a break or quitting or anything, I'm just putting it in better perspective to me.  I need to realize that we're learning right now what's best for our marriage and we're no experts no matter how much I've read.

We've decided that we are not going to wait more than 24 hours anymore and that there would be more of a lecture.  This is comforting to me.  I feel comforted and safe with him because even though I reacted badly yesterday, he was patient and understanding and we've made changes to it won't happen again.  I knew he would do that for me, talk, hear me out, (as long as I was calm and respectful), and we'd make changes together based on what we both felt was best. 

I absolutely love this man with everything and I don't want to hurt him but when I get upset, I fight for blood, I head straight for the jugular with my words and sharp tongue.  He recognizes that about me.  I'm hoping we can cut things off at the pass and deal with disagreements before the gloves come off.  We don't fight often but when we do it's ugly.  We've always been able to come back together but not before very hurtful things are said.  Mostly our fights are my fault, I know this.  It's because I don't want to make a big deal out of little things so I don't address them at all until they fester and I blow up.  When that happens, it's easy for him to take what I say completely our of context because I started the argument in the middle, he missed the first part that explained why I felt a certain way because that part happened in my head, he wasn't involved. 

I'm already making progress, though I recognize that it may be a little while before it becomes habit.  My husband says there's a time, place, and way of explaining how I feel about certain parenting issues, but snapping off at the dinner table or at a party in front of everybody is not it.  Especially since it's bugged me the last 8 times it's happened.  He doesn't want me to lose my voice or my opinions just learn to express myself without hurting others.   I hate that about me, then I feel horrible because I've ruined everybody's day, evening, good time, or whatever.  I could avoid stuff like that if I would come to him respectfully and tell him what it is I don't like and why then we can brainstorm together how to fix it.  So, yesterday, I decided that a certain disciplinary tactic we have for the kids just does not work in our house.  It was ineffective and unenforceable.  But I didn't brush it under the rug and stew on it.  I approached him, completely calm and respectfully pointed out that it wasn't working and if we could sit down and find another method for next time (that was a compromise for me since it was unenforceable I wanted to re-discipline the kids for the same offense since they really didn't get disciplined, but that wouldn't be fair to them).  I was calm and I didn't let it fester.  It's decided and I feel triumphant.  We'll see how I react the next time though.

I have so much in my head I want to get out, but it's too much for one post, so I'm going to end this now and post again another time.  These first few ones may seem like rambling but things get stuck in my head and they stay there until I get them out.

Processing...

Well I got my punishment and it was definitely hard for me to take.  It will be a learning experience though for both of us.  As I've said before, hubby wants me to blog after spankings so he can monitor how I'm feeling as we venture through this.  This is a good time to do this because I was very upset before, during and after, but I'm having a hard time expressing myself to him.  Hopefully as we continue down this path, it'll get easier for me to talk about those deep emotions.

I was supposed to receive it last night, but by the time we got home, got the kids who shower in the evening done with that and the younger children in bed, he didn't have the energy to do it.  Also, the garage isn't quite set up yet for this, so he decided to do it today.

Well, I did receive a punishment yesterday afternoon, but it wasn't quite so severe.  He was trying to drag me into the bedroom for a quick adult time (if you know what I mean) but I was stewing because I felt he was ignoring his responsibility of enforcing discipline on one of our children and I REEEEEALLY want him taking charge of that.

I'm not saying I'm unwilling or incapable of discipline but my step-children don't respect me and I feel I need some back-up from him so they start to learn that the rules in our house aren't mine but ours, as in my husband's as well as mine.  Before I came along they had less strict rules (I had more strict rules for my kids).  John and I have since sat down and made a list of rules and expectations for our children we both agree on, but my step-children aren't used to so many rules, they feel like this is all my fault.  I'm way over protective of my children, which is why John's been good in my life, he's teaching me to relax a bit, it's a work in progress.  I've let go of some of my former rules and he's taken on some of the more reasonable rules.  We have the same rules for all the kids in the house now, his, mine, and ours.

Anyways, back to yesterdays spanking...so instead of allowing him to drag me into the room, I snapped at him.  He shot back with "I'm not doing this now" and went about doing something else.  I became offended and got all huffy and cold with him.  I wouldn't answer his questions and wouldn't talk to him.  This is how most of our arguments start.  I stew, he doesn't notice I'm upset, I snap, he gets mad, I don't express myself well, he takes it the wrong way, then it's all out war here.  Well, we talked a little about what I was feeling when I snapped and was trying to put it behind us, but I sat down and got all tearful, I had ruined our moment, I'm really good at that.  When John saw this, he realized what he needed to do, he grabbed my arm and again began to drag me to the bedroom, but this time for a spanking.  He sat on the bed and pulled me over his lap, I was fully crying before he even swung one time.  He spanked through my pants with just a few hard strokes with the phone cord, I began crying harder, he finished quickly then comforted me, then we had our moment after all.  I wish he'd just done it when I snapped instead of letting me drag it out, I think next time he will.

Now for the worse spanking I got today, the one I was supposed to get last night.  By the time we got around to doing it, I was so worked up over it that I couldn't focus on why I was receiving it.  I had nightmares about it last night and my belly's been flip flopping all day.  While I understand his reasoning, I wasn't focused on why I was receiving it, just that it was scary.  It didn't last very long, but it was hard and it hurt!  I am completely embarrassed by the way I reacted.  I rolled and screamed and kicked and flailed.  It was awful.  He says that he knows that it's hard for me to stay in position and he's ok with it, but I was just about off the bed.  He also didn't lecture me very much, he said that after it really got started he felt I needed more comforting words to help me get through it (he was right).  After the spanking, I cuddled with him for a few seconds then jumped under the blankets and pouted.  I was upset because I reacted badly and because I didn't feel loved at that moment.  It was all so confusing and scary for me. 

We talked a little bit about it since that wasn't the same reaction I've had in the past (albeit this was the worst I've received so far) and tonight we're going to discuss it further so we can both learn how next time will go smoother and maybe someday I will get better at this.

Some thoughts and punishent

I'm feeling a little confused today so bear with me as I ramble...

At this point there's no real indication that anyone besides me and hubby read this blog, which is fine by me, but sometimes I wonder if this is a good idea.  I thought about keeping a diary but I'm so nervous that people I don't want to see it will find it and that makes me nervous, so I discarded that idea.  A friend suggested I do this, make an anonymous blog.  She doesn't know we're practicing DD or probably has never heard of it, but she knew I wanted to keep a diary to process through some things in my private life.  She's a good friend and I think I may tell her about it someday, she wouldn't jump to wrong ideas about it as I fear others would.  I fear people losing respect for my husband, he's a great guy and not abusive by any stretch of the imagination.  I've been in an abusive, controlling relationship, and this is the farthest thing from it.  I know others who don't understand the psychology behind it (yes there really is psychology behind it, I looked it up, and when I look things up, I don't just read one person's opinion and call it good, I mean I really research) would disagree with me and others who support the practice and I don't want people calling my husband names he doesn't deserve.

I think one of the reasons I'm having doubts about the blog is because I'm so open on it.  Completely honest.  I keep reassuring myself that it's anonymous, but I still worry about what people on the internet think.  I wish I didn't care what others thought, on the internet and in our community, but I do.  I've been slipping into a depressed state and I hate that.  I have clinical depression and sometimes I just get depressed, no triggers, no reason, I just get that way.  There is a difference this time that I do link to DD.  I feel completely at peace in John's arms.  I don't feel disconnected or like crying, just calm and relaxed.  In the past when I go into a depressed pit, I disconnect from everyone, lock myself inside myself and no one knows what's going on inside or that I'm anything besides happy.  I kind of become a shell or a puppet, even to John, but this time I'm opening up to him how a feel and I almost feel "normal" with him, hopefully he can help me pull out of this so I can enjoy time with others too.

Anyways, I received a light punishment spanking yesterday afternoon for a smart ass comment I made in jest, but I agree, completely not appropriate and I did deserve it.  Really, I did.  We were talking about some rules for me to follow and piped up with "you're not man enough to spank me"  I was completely kidding and he knew it which is why he went easy on me, but he wanted to show that he was indeed "man enough".

I think at this point I should let people know that I'm not the usual wife that spends frivolously or neglects housework.  I have 2 major problems that my rules are starting to revolve around, 1 is a common problem (as I've read), my temper, boy do I have a temper.  I want to get a tattoo on my forehead that read "warning Irish temper and German stubbornness" just so people are aware.  The 2nd problem I have is I completely neglect myself, I put too much on my shoulders, I stress too much and I put EVERYONE else before me, this caused me to become very ill.  Seriously, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything.  I had nothing left to give, even to myself.  It scared John and in truth, me too.

So, I've also been informed I have another punishment spanking coming this evening (most likely worse than yesterday's) because I lost my temper this morning for absolutely no reason.  I deserve it.  I snapped at my son because he was trying to help but I wanted him to eat breakfast.  I really should have stayed calm.

From not interested to in love part 2

In the beginning, I would say to people, "I've been seeing this guy but I don't think it's going to work out" or "I don't know how serious this is going to get, but I doubt it goes anywhere".  I had a friend who I would talk to about my relationship and how scared I was. Our conversations went a bit like this

Me: what if he just wants sex

friend: what if he wants a relationship

me: what if he gets to know me better and decides he doesn't want to deal with my temper

friend: what if he's just what you need to reign in that temper (who would have known he was right about that one)

me: what if he just likes me because he's overweight and his ex is overweight, but I'm skinny and cute

friend: do you not like that he's overweight?

me: No! I love it, I've always wanted a teddy bear, I think guys who are skinny or built aren't comfortable

friend: then what if he hates the fact that your skinny but will over look that because you have a good heart

me: you think I have a good heart?

friend: everyone does, give him a fair chance, I think he'll make you happy

 Then I was given a tough decision, I could commute 2 hours 4 days a week or be homeless (I'm not going to go into all the details of this, but it has to do with a gap between the end of my lease and the end of school).  John stepped in and said that my kids and I could stay at his place.  I almost panicked but I swore that it would just be until I got on my feet.  I would move out within a couple of months, get my own place, I didn't plan on staying, really I didn't, and I still wasn't ready for sex yet.  He said all that was fine, he completely understood, but others didn't. 

Our "friend", you know the one who introduced us and created this mess we did not want, she then decided I was using him and that she was a better option.  She invited him on a road trip with her, which he went on, then tried to sleep with him, which he didn't.  She told him that I was sleeping with my ex and that's why I wouldn't have sex with him.  She told me I was being unfair to him, that I would crush him when I moved out and that I was leading him on.  We talked about all the things she was saying, I told him I didn't want to lead him on and that I could move out now if that would be better for him, he insisted we stay.

Then came the infamous camping trip.  There were 3 couples, there was alcohol, there was a camp fire, there was talking, then she started to attack me in front of everybody, calling me out for living with John and not having sex with him, that I was still friends with my ex, that John's life was better before I came in it (wasn't she the one who introduced us when we didn't even want it).  I jumped up and left the group, John came after me and we sat there in the night, in the wilderness and talked and talked and talked.  We completely opened up to each other, that was the day he knew he loved me.  Though it took me a little more time to come to that realization, I began to open my heart up to the idea and he finally had a chance for me to love him, but that's a post for another day

To be continued...

Slow starting

Ok, so hubby has requested that I write something every time I get a spanking (at least in the beginning) so he can gauge how I'm feeling.  I express deep emotion better in writing.  So last night, I got a small maintenance spanking.  I'm not sure I'd consider this one a maintenance spanking because it was actually kind of romantic.  He took his time and started light, then got harder.  No real emotional break through, but something about the lingering sting really made me want him today.  I don't know what it was about it, but I came home from work this morning and had a deep desire for him.  I haven't received a punishment spanking yet, I am actually a good wife and hubby's still learning, so he's not very consistent.  I'm sure he'll get the hang of it soon from what I've read on other blogs.  For some strange reason, this is starting really slow for us.

From not interested to in love part 1

I figured it would be a good idea to start our story from the beginning.

When John and I first met we weren't interested in each other.  John and I get asked all the time how we went from not intersted to in love.  The short version of that story is that because when we met we weren't interested so there were no games.  The person we met is the person we're married to and is the person we're married to today. 

When people meet and are interested in each other they start by showing being the best them, but inevitably they're faults and weaknesses start to show through over time.  That didn't happen with us.

I had just come out of a really bad relationship and I was mad at myself for destroying the peace and contentment I had created with my kids and me by throwing a relationship in the mix and I was intent on recreating that and not dating anymore.  John a year into a ugly divorce.  A mutual "friend" had asked us if we wanted to meet each other for a blind date, both of us adamantly said no.  So, this mutual "friend" asked John if he'd come over and look at her "broken" washing machine and then asked me to come over to study for an upcoming test we had in school (we were in nursing school together).  After and awkward time of avoiding actually having to talk to each other, it was time for me to head home.  I said my good-byes to my friend and her kids, gathered my kids and loaded them in my vehicle and ended with a polite "nice to meet you" to John and almost sighed relief as I climbed into my car and he had not asked for a phone number.  I was relieved just a little too soon.  Our "friend" butted in and asked him if he was going to ask me for my phone number "sheesh do I have to do everything for you" she teased and with no real polite way to get out of this I gave him my number and just hoped he wouldn't use it.  At the time I did not notice he actually had no intentions of asking my number and later no intentions to use it once he got it. 

Over the next several weeks, we both politely waited for the relationship to just fizzle out.  We weren't trying to push each other away, we just didn't try to impress each other.

If it wasn't for this mutaul "friend" of ours, his best friend at the time and a friend of mine, that would've been where our story ended, thankfully it's not, but that's a post for another time.

To be continued...

Not quite the first spanking

So John and I have been talking about getting into the DD thing and we've finally hit a point we're actually ready to start DOING something.  Well, all this talk about spanking, John wanted to give to actually spank, only he didn't have a reason, so (even though we discussed what to do if he didn't have a reason) he made something up, only he screwed up and "scolded" me for something I'm actually very sensitive about.  This put me in tears well before I should have and he being the wonderful perfect husband of mine stopped, immediately.  He knew these tears weren't the ones he was attempting to achieve and judging by his quick and sincere apology, knew what he'd done to set me off.  I guess the reason this is session is worth talking about, is that even though it went a direction it shouldn't have, I still felt that closeness to him and a deep desire to be submissive to him.  It also confirmed my trust in him.  I've had to process all these conflicting and confusing emotions today that I think I finally figured out that the reason I still felt the way a spanking is supposed to make me feel even though it didn't go as planned is because I understand we're both learning.  He's going to make mistakes and he reacted exactly the way the man I love and trust should.

I'm new

I'm new to blogging and I'm new to DD.

My husband and I started looking into a DD marriage last September and even played around with some spankings, learning what I can handle and what implements we liked and didn't like.  But soon after getting started, my mom moved in with us and this put a halt on things.  Lately, I've been talking to him about it again and we've worked out a plan to get this going again.

I started a blog as a sort of outlet since I can't really talk to any of my friends about it and I'm still completely confused.  I don't really care if anybody reads it or not, but if you do and disagree then please don't read it again, I've already read all of your objections through my web searches and I've taken them into account and have already made my decision to continue with this lifestyle.

Will post more later.