Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Hurt Feelings and Moving On

So, I'm ready to write about the hurt that I was experiencing when I wrote this post.

It started with one painful realization, then there were a couple of events that, alone, I probably could have handled, but mixed with the emotions I was already feeling from the fist realization and add to that, I wasn't sleeping for days at a time due to extra work hours and I was headed towards an emotional breakdown.  Through it all, I could sense John feeling lost and frustrated because these were situations that were beyond our control and he wanted to "fix" things and "save" his wife (typical John *swoon*).  He remained loving and supportive though.  He wasn't always able to physically be there for me but I could feel his love and support always.  There's one particular instance I will blog about in a later post (I wrote quite a few posts while I was working so much that are just sitting there waiting to be typed up and published, some even Dd related).

The first realization is that parts of John's family do not except me and my kids the way they do John's ex-wife and her kids.  This isn't a sudden realization.  I guess I just figured after three years we'd all be bit further down this road that we are.  In fact, things have either remained stagnant or moved backward.  John has a sister who lives here in our area who treats my step-daughters as he nieces and my bio kids as the other kids.  She doesn't appear to do this consciously but it seems more out of habit (after all, I do realize my step-daughters have been her nieces longer).  It's still painful though because our family has been together three years and I just kind of figured things would be different by now.  An example of what I mean is, one day my MIL was watching Tommi (my younger step-daughter) and Little Suzie (my daughter who is the same age).  My local SIL was on the phone with my MIL discussing how my MIL was watching Tommi and my SIL was going to go to visit her.  She stopped by the store on the way to pick up treats for Tommi.  Once she got to my MIL's, she realized Little Suzie was there.  Since she didn't want Little Suzie to feel left out or neglected, she divided the treats she bought Tommi between the two girls.  She didn't intentionally mean to leave Little Suzie out when buying the treats, but while on the phone with my MIL, neither bothered to discuss whether or not Little Suzie was there, only that Tommi was there.  Also, it's pretty obvious (to me anyway) that if my MIL has to watch Tommi for us, wouldn't she have to watch Little Suzie as well?

My MIL's preferential treatment is a little more obvious and seemingly intentional.  To begin with, she feels I am too hard in my expectations of behaviors from my step-daughters (despite the fact I expect the same out of my bio kids who are the same age) and will often express in a round-a-bout way to the kids these feelings.  She isn't really cruel or mean to my bio kids but they can see she in more lenient and gives more (time and gifts) to my step-daughters.  Further, she still treats John's ex-wife as a daughter-in-law and her older son (whom John doesn't get to see anymore) as a grandson.  This is understandable since John and his ex were married for several years.  I honestly don't expect her to give up these members of her family just because of me and my bio kids.  What hurts is that despite how John's ex has treated him and my step-daughters through the final year of the marriage, divorce and John remarrying, she will still except her and her son but won't except me, John's wife, who everyone (besides apparently my MIL) agrees has been good for him and his daughters.  Nor will she except my bio kids who are related to her the same way that John's ex-wife's older son is (the baby being biologically her granddaughter).

In the same week that I was reeling from recent interactions with my MIL and the realization that our relationship will probably never change, John got a promotion at work (yay!) except in order for him to accept it, he had to go to the shift we both agreed neither of us would work because that was family time.  After discussion and me crying a lot, we agreed he would take the promotion but it meant I would see him much less.  In fact, since he's switched shifts. I've rarely spent more than five minutes talking with him daily, ten minutes at the most.  It's been painful and I really, really miss him.

Then there are some fairly new neighbors that just moved in on our street that have caused so much turmoil that most of the parents on our street (including us) have forbade their children from playing with the little girl.  This caused the girl's parents to react unreasonably.  We very calmly at first attempted to explain to the parents why the little girl was not allowed to play at our house anymore and why our children would not be allowed to play with her anymore and that resulted in her parents calling the police on us and making bogus charges against us.  We aren't the first or the last of the neighbors they have done this to and the cops didn't really take them seriously anyway since they make the same claim on everyone they call on.  Since that very dramatic incident, the parents have had several confrontations with my kids including threatening to call the cops on them for allegedly destroying another neighbor's property (which that neighbor already knew it was the little girl and didn't believe my kids had done it).  Again, my kids weren't the only ones the parents were targeting and all the kids in our neighborhood have retreated within their homes to avoid drama and conflict from these awful neighbors.

The last incident has worked itself out.  Since the neighbors have treated their landlord much the same as they've treated their neighbors, they are currently being evicted and we will soon have our street back.  As for my husband's new shift, yeah it's frustrating still, but the pay raise was significant and writing out a financial plan so that in the very near future we'll be able to buy a house together is exciting.  Also, a house in our area had their home broken into recently, so it's comforting to know John will be here at night to protect our family.  Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of protecting them, but I'd rather John does it.  He has more training than I do and he's way more skilled with a gun and clearing a house than I am (not to mention it's hot when my man defends me even though I'm able to defend myself).  The family isolation one, the biggest one, will probably never change and there's not a positive side to it, but when I feel hurt by the rejection of these members of John's family, I contact his family in his home state and just talk.  I did this the other day because I was feeling hurt all over again and they seemed to sense something was wrong and they provided me with love and support even from several states away.  My MIL and local SIL may not view me and my bio kids as part family but my FIL, his wife, my other SIL not to mention grandparents, cousins and tons of friends who double as honorary bothers and sisters to John adore me and my kids, ALL five of them.  That makes me feel good.

So, sorry this post got to be so long.  Thanks for stopping by and I hope to see you all again soon, maybe tomorrow.  :)




11 comments:

  1. Oh boy Suzie...sorry things have been so rough for you.

    Ouch ouch ouch about the family stuff. I can see how hurtful that would be to you. Even if they have completely innocent motives (like your SIL seems to) you still can't help but feel hurt by it. I'm glad you have the love and support of other inlaws and friends to help even things out!

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    1. Yeah, I'm glad I have the other family too. It's kind of a bummer that the rude ones are here and the nice ones are in another state but I'm thankful for them.

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  2. Ahh, Suzie. You have a lot going on! I am glad got the promotion, but YUK on the shift time. I am sorry for your trouble with the neighbors, too. Your post title said Moving On and so I will just hope that you are able to do just that. I wish I had a better comment. Hugs to you, SNP

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    1. Thank you, SNP and I think we are moving forward. Most times the only thing that needs to change is our way of thinking and that's kind of what we're working on.

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  3. Aah Suzie, what a mountain of difficulties. No wonder you were having such a hard time. I'm glad for John and the promotion and hope that somehow the schedule will work out for some family time.

    Family is so tough. We have some similar dynamics with one side of the family and I too thought that the passing of time would increase acceptance and even love. Not so much. We can only continue to do our best and our part and leave the rest in God's hands, knowing he understands.

    I'm glad you will soon have your street back. It's summer! You kids need their space.

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    1. I agree our kids need their space. It's frustrating for the kids to be too afraid to play in their neighborhood because of the unnecessary drama.

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  4. No words of wisdom, Suzie...just hugs and prayers sent your way.

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    1. Thank you, Ana and I'm keeping you in my prayers as well. Thanks for stopping by.

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  5. Hi, Suzie. I just read your blog from the beginning. I understand shift work and/or travel by one or both parties, coupled with working law enforcement, complicated by 5 widely-spaced kids' schedules and step-parenting. I even had in-laws from hell who paid almost no attention to their step-grandchildren or bio-grandchildren except to "claim" the bios. Their loss. My kids didn't know them while growing up (they were local, little more than half-hour drive), and don't want to know them now. My parents chose to be an integral and constant presence in the lives of my children, and my kids love them dearly.

    The best you can do is not talk negatively about the in-laws on front of any of the children, and soothe any hurt feelings by explaining some people don't realize how they behave is hurtful to others. You and John might try speaking with your MIL & SIL, explain you are hurt by their seeming unwillingness to accept you and your bio children. While you are an adult and can understand it may take time for them to warm to you and treat you as family, young children simply see the disparate behavior and feel rejected and hurt, and it can lead to them becoming resentful of their other (favored) siblings. You don't need that discord in your household, and you and John have every right, and the best reasons in the world, to point this out and ask the in-laws to be more cognizant and considerate of the kids' feelings and your family dynamics.

    Mom, you may not realize how differently you treat the kids, but we notice. More importantly, all the kids notice, and it's causing some problems amongst them that are difficult for us to address as a family. We need your help in smoothing this over. Would you be willing to (insert your specific solutions to address how she treats and speaks of the kids). Give it awhile to work if she/they agree, and give her/them positive feedback and appreciation.

    Don't forget to gently point out and explain future instances of unequal treatment, not as criticism, more like, "Little Suzie would love if you did "X" with her next time you see her, like you did with Tommi."

    But if she says no to your request, or blatantly does not follow through after agreeing to modify her interactions with the kids, you and John may have to decide how much, if any, exposure some/all of your kids have with her/them. Not to punish her, but to protect your children and preserve your family.

    Be hopeful and open, but also be prepared for no resolution. Some people are very stubborn and hard to work with! Lol! I've seen this work well, and totally backfire. I wish you the absolute best outcome.

    Irishey

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    1. First, I have to say I'm flattered you have read my entire blog. I hope it was entertaining.

      Thank you so much for the advice. We have had a number of conversations with my MIL about her treatment of the grandchildren. It's done little good. She'll change for a little while, then go right back into it. We have limited contact now. That was a hard decision for us to make, but I think we reached a point where we had to move forward with our family.

      Thank you for stopping by, I hope to see more of you in the future.

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    2. Hey, Suzie. What I wrote wasn't so much advice as it was commiseration, and letting you know I've been there. We limited contact, too. Actually, I finally just stopped trying, but I carry some guilt for that.

      My reaction to your post, initially, was pure Mama Bear - tell the wicked witch where to get off, but that was my baggage speaking, and she is your husband's MOM. I never said anything rude to my in-laws so I wouldn't have advocated you do that. It's a hard thing to see our children treated unfairly, especially by family.

      Sometimes, venting in a safe place is good for the soul. It helps purge the poison we might otherwise unwisely spew. It's not negative, so don't feel badly for pouring it out here. It is anonymous, after all, and everyone here is very supportive.

      Thanks for the welcome!

      Irishey

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