My husband's family, for whatever reason, adds the phrase "in bed" at the end of their Chinese fortunes from those cookies. The other day, we went to eat Chinese and mine read:
"You're about to discover your hidden talents" (in bed)
Hmm...wonder what that could mean...
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Stupid Iron Got Me Swatted
I have anemia caused by an iron deficiency. I've been ordered to take an over the counter iron supplement. This has been required of me for many years, but I've never been good at doing it. I'm not good at taking a pill everyday. I start off really good for a few days, but then I miss a day, then another, then another and before you know it, I'm not taking it anymore. If my life ever depended on me taking a pill everyday, I would die, sad but true. I've tried putting in on my bedside table or by my coffee pot, but to no avail. So, John has decided he's going to enforce it by spanking. I've done really good about it, but I missed taking it for 3 days. Eek!
We've discovered already that I don't do well with the anticipation of a spanking, so he didn't tell me I was getting punished until we were out in the garage and I was bent bare over his knee, not a good time to find out if you ask me, there's no escape at that point. It was the most intense session we've had so far. It was the longest and hardest. I began screaming and squirming from the very beginning. I am not proud of the way I reacted. I actually became mad at him at one point, I was kicking my feet and screaming into the couch and I thought in my head "doesn't he see I'm crying, why isn't he stopping! He's such a jerk!" I think there were some swear words somewhere in there also. Again, I'm not proud of it. The fact is he knew I was mad, but he knew he had to spank through it. He just tightened his grip on me and kept going. He says he notices when I finally submit to him. I think in the heat of the moment (sorry for the pun), I don't, but I know at some point I relax and I'm no longer mad at him. The flight or fight reflex subsides, btw, my flight portion of the reflex is broken, so it's probably a good thing he can hold on tight or I may come up swinging.
Afterward, I feel completely vulnerable and I just need his touch. I need his arms around me while I give myself over to his protection. I feel safe and relaxed. And I went on to work to have a good day (er, night?).
I also remembered to take my iron today.
We've discovered already that I don't do well with the anticipation of a spanking, so he didn't tell me I was getting punished until we were out in the garage and I was bent bare over his knee, not a good time to find out if you ask me, there's no escape at that point. It was the most intense session we've had so far. It was the longest and hardest. I began screaming and squirming from the very beginning. I am not proud of the way I reacted. I actually became mad at him at one point, I was kicking my feet and screaming into the couch and I thought in my head "doesn't he see I'm crying, why isn't he stopping! He's such a jerk!" I think there were some swear words somewhere in there also. Again, I'm not proud of it. The fact is he knew I was mad, but he knew he had to spank through it. He just tightened his grip on me and kept going. He says he notices when I finally submit to him. I think in the heat of the moment (sorry for the pun), I don't, but I know at some point I relax and I'm no longer mad at him. The flight or fight reflex subsides, btw, my flight portion of the reflex is broken, so it's probably a good thing he can hold on tight or I may come up swinging.
Afterward, I feel completely vulnerable and I just need his touch. I need his arms around me while I give myself over to his protection. I feel safe and relaxed. And I went on to work to have a good day (er, night?).
I also remembered to take my iron today.
Monday, March 26, 2012
A Question Answered
On my last post I received the following questions from Susie at Her Mischief Managed (check that out, I learned something new!):
What is the biggest change you have seen in your relationship since starting Dd? Do you think you could go back to the way things were before or do you have the sense that you are in this for good?
At first I thought "I'm too new at this, I don't know how to answer" but then I got to thinking about it and you know what? I do have an answer, but first I have to give you a little background so you can all understand the significance of the changes we've made so far.
Before I continue on with my background, I would like to make it perfectly clear I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me. There's 2 reasons for that, 1) I don't live that life anymore and it has made me a stronger woman because I have lived it and 2) It could have been worse.
So here we go...
Background: Before I met my husband I was a single mom. There were times that internally I wanted to pitch a fit and scream "it's not fair!" There were times I wanted to lay down and give up or at least I wanted to freakin' cry, everyone cries and I wanted to too, but I couldn't. The weight of the world was on MY shoulders. When we were homeless, it was up to ME and no one else to find a place for us to stay. If there was no money to pay the electric bill or the water bill, it was MY job to find someway to pay it. When food was scarce, I made the sacrifice to go without eating so my son could eat and I had to work, I had to keep the house clean, I had to go grocery shopping with a screaming kid even if the only thing I had the patience to get was dinner for that night, I had to take care of a sick kid and EVERYTHING else. It was MY job to do it ALL and I sure as hell didn't have time to cry or feel sorry for myself. I often threw on clean, but not always nice looking cloths, threw my hair in a ponytail after a 5 min. shower and ran out of the door with no makeup (it's a wonder my husband ever saw me as beautiful when we met).
So, with that background, shifting from single mom mode to wife and mother mode has not been smooth, in fact at times it's been down right impossible. Ask my husband, he'll be glad to tell you about how frustrating it's been for him. I want to take charge and do everything, my way. He wanted and still wants to take some of that weight, he wants to see me stress less, he wants to freakin' help, is that so much for him to ask of me? Well, to me, it was. He'd often throw his hands in the air in exasperation. He'd lock himself in our room and watch TV while his wife was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to do EVERYTHING by herself. He'd shut down and I would distance.
Since starting Dd, he takes control of my to-do list. I can negotiate to put something back on it if it's important to me but something else has to come off. He's in charge of disciplining the kids, that's no longer a task I have to do. I HAVE to let him help around the house and with the kids on his days off, even if that means staying in bed to avoid jumping in and doing my thing. I have to make time for myself. He's already made a rule that I have to shave my legs at least 3 times a week and get a pedicure at least once a month, but he's starting a new rule that I have to wear make-up whenever we go out somewhere. These rules aren't because he like to have a beautiful, well kept wife (though, that is a perk of his job), but they're because I feel calmer, more confident and happier when I take the time to make myself beautiful. I used to think I didn't like being a girl, I didn't like doing my hair or make-up, I didn't like dresses or high heels or pedicures, but it turns out I was wrong and I'm sort of getting used to this whole girl thing.
And that leads me to the answer to the second question...no, I don't think we'll ever go back to the way things were and I think if you asked my husband, he'd agree.
Well as the HOH, if we were to ever go back to the way it was before DD, it would lead to a Divorce because I can not take feeling like I have no say in my house or to be at home and never have anytime with my wife cause she is run run run. I have to feel that she needs me and that she respects me at the same time.
Thank you Susie for asking this question and getting me thinking and sorry to all you readers for it being so long.
What is the biggest change you have seen in your relationship since starting Dd? Do you think you could go back to the way things were before or do you have the sense that you are in this for good?
At first I thought "I'm too new at this, I don't know how to answer" but then I got to thinking about it and you know what? I do have an answer, but first I have to give you a little background so you can all understand the significance of the changes we've made so far.
Before I continue on with my background, I would like to make it perfectly clear I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me. There's 2 reasons for that, 1) I don't live that life anymore and it has made me a stronger woman because I have lived it and 2) It could have been worse.
So here we go...
Background: Before I met my husband I was a single mom. There were times that internally I wanted to pitch a fit and scream "it's not fair!" There were times I wanted to lay down and give up or at least I wanted to freakin' cry, everyone cries and I wanted to too, but I couldn't. The weight of the world was on MY shoulders. When we were homeless, it was up to ME and no one else to find a place for us to stay. If there was no money to pay the electric bill or the water bill, it was MY job to find someway to pay it. When food was scarce, I made the sacrifice to go without eating so my son could eat and I had to work, I had to keep the house clean, I had to go grocery shopping with a screaming kid even if the only thing I had the patience to get was dinner for that night, I had to take care of a sick kid and EVERYTHING else. It was MY job to do it ALL and I sure as hell didn't have time to cry or feel sorry for myself. I often threw on clean, but not always nice looking cloths, threw my hair in a ponytail after a 5 min. shower and ran out of the door with no makeup (it's a wonder my husband ever saw me as beautiful when we met).
So, with that background, shifting from single mom mode to wife and mother mode has not been smooth, in fact at times it's been down right impossible. Ask my husband, he'll be glad to tell you about how frustrating it's been for him. I want to take charge and do everything, my way. He wanted and still wants to take some of that weight, he wants to see me stress less, he wants to freakin' help, is that so much for him to ask of me? Well, to me, it was. He'd often throw his hands in the air in exasperation. He'd lock himself in our room and watch TV while his wife was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to do EVERYTHING by herself. He'd shut down and I would distance.
Since starting Dd, he takes control of my to-do list. I can negotiate to put something back on it if it's important to me but something else has to come off. He's in charge of disciplining the kids, that's no longer a task I have to do. I HAVE to let him help around the house and with the kids on his days off, even if that means staying in bed to avoid jumping in and doing my thing. I have to make time for myself. He's already made a rule that I have to shave my legs at least 3 times a week and get a pedicure at least once a month, but he's starting a new rule that I have to wear make-up whenever we go out somewhere. These rules aren't because he like to have a beautiful, well kept wife (though, that is a perk of his job), but they're because I feel calmer, more confident and happier when I take the time to make myself beautiful. I used to think I didn't like being a girl, I didn't like doing my hair or make-up, I didn't like dresses or high heels or pedicures, but it turns out I was wrong and I'm sort of getting used to this whole girl thing.
And that leads me to the answer to the second question...no, I don't think we'll ever go back to the way things were and I think if you asked my husband, he'd agree.
Well as the HOH, if we were to ever go back to the way it was before DD, it would lead to a Divorce because I can not take feeling like I have no say in my house or to be at home and never have anytime with my wife cause she is run run run. I have to feel that she needs me and that she respects me at the same time.
Thank you Susie for asking this question and getting me thinking and sorry to all you readers for it being so long.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Now Taking Questions...
Ok, I'll play too.
Ask me a question and I'll answer it as best I can.
My husband's available for questions too...
And he just agreed to it (did I do that out of order?) :)
Ask me a question and I'll answer it as best I can.
My husband's available for questions too...
And he just agreed to it (did I do that out of order?) :)
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Spring Cleaning Without a Spanking (it's not over yet)
I haven't posted in a few days because we're in full spring cleaning swing. I'm on break...actually for the rest of the night. Tequila drink in hand, I'll update. Spring cleaning is an event I both look forward to and dread. I look forward to it because I actually enjoy cleaning, I find it peaceful, (that is without interruptions like kids, dogs, or husbands). And I like starting with a clean slate. I dread it because it's too big of a job for me to do by myself, so I actually need my husband here with me (see previous parenthesis), not that I don't enjoy spending time with him.
For any one out there who believes Dd wives are doormats who never have a say and must always do as told, this post may (or may not) be for you. You see, cleaning is my strength. I flourish in this area of our lives, so my wonderful loving adoring sexy amazing husband (had to make up for previous parenthesis) had put me in charge of this one. That's right, he must do as I say. Except he's still HOH, so respect is still expected.
There's been no fighting, screaming, throwing things, stomping off in a fit of frustration this time though and here's why...he gave me permission to be in charge, I didn't take charge and I still must speak to him with respect. In previous years, I am not careful with my words and tone, I just get frustrated and yell and stomp off.
But we're not done with spring cleaning, so there's still time for a spanking...
For any one out there who believes Dd wives are doormats who never have a say and must always do as told, this post may (or may not) be for you. You see, cleaning is my strength. I flourish in this area of our lives, so my wonderful loving adoring sexy amazing husband (had to make up for previous parenthesis) had put me in charge of this one. That's right, he must do as I say. Except he's still HOH, so respect is still expected.
There's been no fighting, screaming, throwing things, stomping off in a fit of frustration this time though and here's why...he gave me permission to be in charge, I didn't take charge and I still must speak to him with respect. In previous years, I am not careful with my words and tone, I just get frustrated and yell and stomp off.
But we're not done with spring cleaning, so there's still time for a spanking...
Monday, March 19, 2012
Distancing
No not me...(this time).
My husband and I continuously worry about the safety of my step-daughters when they are in the care of their mother. She's a very selfish person. Some day I may get into all the reasons why I dislike her so much, but for now I'll just say we're not going to be best friends anytime soon and it's NOT because she's my husband's ex-wife, THAT I can deal with. We've been sitting back worried as we wait for her to screw up enough to take her back to court and hoping nothing really bad and irreversible could happen before then. We try not to think about it and work really hard to provide a safe environment for my step-daughters while they're here.
Unfortunately and fortunately, we got a call from a concerned neighbor of hers. This may be what we're looking for and while there's a little bit of excitement there, we really don't want those girls to be in danger, yet they are. I won't go into all the details on here, but I wanted to give you readers that background.
So, we're both processing our feelings about this in our own little ways, but it's hard for me because I'm a woman ans I want to talk about it but he's a man and he wants to process it all internally. I can tell he's distressed and I don't want to push him, but I want to be here for him. I feel lost because I can feel the distance between us and I'm kind of shaky on how to move forward in the most productive way for him. He's trying not to put this wall between us, but I feel it. I understand it, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. He knows I'm here when he's ready to talk and let everything out.
My husband and I continuously worry about the safety of my step-daughters when they are in the care of their mother. She's a very selfish person. Some day I may get into all the reasons why I dislike her so much, but for now I'll just say we're not going to be best friends anytime soon and it's NOT because she's my husband's ex-wife, THAT I can deal with. We've been sitting back worried as we wait for her to screw up enough to take her back to court and hoping nothing really bad and irreversible could happen before then. We try not to think about it and work really hard to provide a safe environment for my step-daughters while they're here.
Unfortunately and fortunately, we got a call from a concerned neighbor of hers. This may be what we're looking for and while there's a little bit of excitement there, we really don't want those girls to be in danger, yet they are. I won't go into all the details on here, but I wanted to give you readers that background.
So, we're both processing our feelings about this in our own little ways, but it's hard for me because I'm a woman ans I want to talk about it but he's a man and he wants to process it all internally. I can tell he's distressed and I don't want to push him, but I want to be here for him. I feel lost because I can feel the distance between us and I'm kind of shaky on how to move forward in the most productive way for him. He's trying not to put this wall between us, but I feel it. I understand it, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. He knows I'm here when he's ready to talk and let everything out.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Spanking Fail
Yesterday I asked for a spanking. I don't know why I wanted one and I really didn't want one but I did. (I'm complicated). My wonderful husband of course obliged. We went out and it was a mess. The kids had gotten into the garage and all our implements were missing except the belt. We don't have any obvious implements yet. We had a back brush, a ping pong paddle, a wooden dowel and his belt. We need to get more, just don't really know what and where. So, anyway, our limited selection was even more limited for this spanking.
I've said "no" and "please stop" in the past. He used to stop when I said those but we have talked about it and now he uses them as clues that I'm ready for him to increase the intensity. (I know I'm weird!). But yesterday I cried a phrase he'd never heard me say before, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. He didn't stop but he was so unsure of how I felt. He didn't know if this fell in the category as the previous statements, so he eased up the intensity and finished a little early. To be perfectly honest, the spanking had little effect on my attitude. The pain subsided before he even left for work and my bottom barely remembers it today. But I'm glad he didn't keep going. I didn't mean to scare him, but the belt doesn't work well for us OTK and he was missing all over the place. I honestly didn't feel comfortable. He did what I asked and didn't stop when I said that, for that I know he listens and cares what I say, but he did lighten up and finish early because it was a new phrase, for that I know he's worried about how I feel and he cares about what I'm going through.
I'm writing this mostly for him, so he knows I still trust him. So he knows I realize we're both still learning and we're both going to make mistakes. So he knows I don't want to stop Dd. I'm glad he listens and watches my body language during a spanking. We didn't have much time to talk about it last night because he had to rush off to work shortly after the spanking, so we will need to talk so we can move forward.
And we need to get some new implements.
I've said "no" and "please stop" in the past. He used to stop when I said those but we have talked about it and now he uses them as clues that I'm ready for him to increase the intensity. (I know I'm weird!). But yesterday I cried a phrase he'd never heard me say before, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. He didn't stop but he was so unsure of how I felt. He didn't know if this fell in the category as the previous statements, so he eased up the intensity and finished a little early. To be perfectly honest, the spanking had little effect on my attitude. The pain subsided before he even left for work and my bottom barely remembers it today. But I'm glad he didn't keep going. I didn't mean to scare him, but the belt doesn't work well for us OTK and he was missing all over the place. I honestly didn't feel comfortable. He did what I asked and didn't stop when I said that, for that I know he listens and cares what I say, but he did lighten up and finish early because it was a new phrase, for that I know he's worried about how I feel and he cares about what I'm going through.
I'm writing this mostly for him, so he knows I still trust him. So he knows I realize we're both still learning and we're both going to make mistakes. So he knows I don't want to stop Dd. I'm glad he listens and watches my body language during a spanking. We didn't have much time to talk about it last night because he had to rush off to work shortly after the spanking, so we will need to talk so we can move forward.
And we need to get some new implements.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Gray Areas in Parenting
Parenting isn't easy and it sure isn't black and white. As a mother I wish I could put my kids in a bubble and protect them from the world, but that is impossible, if not impractical.
I know this is a DD blog, but there's not much new on the DD front and this is what's weighing on my mind these past few days. My kids are on spring break, this is our "off" week, so my 2 step-daughters and my daughter are at their other homes, so we're left with just the 2 full timers as we call them, my son and our baby (who's actually almost 2 and not quite a baby anymore). But my house is no where near peace and quiet.
Before I had kids, I always wanted to be the neighborhood house. I love a house full of people (good thing since we have 5 kids together), I love all the noise and chaos and for some reason I thrive on that. I wanted to be that house where the good parents felt comfortable sending their kids and the kids with bad parents had a safe place to go. Since the schools are on spring break this week we've had and incredible number of children ranging in ages (from our baby who's 2 through a 14 year old who's nothing but trouble) at our house at any given time. Some of the kids' parents are good parents, some parents try really hard to be, some really couldn't care less where their child is or what he/she is doing and some would prefer their child be anywhere but at their house bugging them. All of these kids end up at my house. I love it! It's what I always dreamed about.
The gray area though is this. Not all the kids are good influences and I'm torn between having my children be the good influence some of these kids need or them being a bad influence on my kids. I guess at least if they're at our house, I know what they're doing.
I know this is a DD blog, but there's not much new on the DD front and this is what's weighing on my mind these past few days. My kids are on spring break, this is our "off" week, so my 2 step-daughters and my daughter are at their other homes, so we're left with just the 2 full timers as we call them, my son and our baby (who's actually almost 2 and not quite a baby anymore). But my house is no where near peace and quiet.
Before I had kids, I always wanted to be the neighborhood house. I love a house full of people (good thing since we have 5 kids together), I love all the noise and chaos and for some reason I thrive on that. I wanted to be that house where the good parents felt comfortable sending their kids and the kids with bad parents had a safe place to go. Since the schools are on spring break this week we've had and incredible number of children ranging in ages (from our baby who's 2 through a 14 year old who's nothing but trouble) at our house at any given time. Some of the kids' parents are good parents, some parents try really hard to be, some really couldn't care less where their child is or what he/she is doing and some would prefer their child be anywhere but at their house bugging them. All of these kids end up at my house. I love it! It's what I always dreamed about.
The gray area though is this. Not all the kids are good influences and I'm torn between having my children be the good influence some of these kids need or them being a bad influence on my kids. I guess at least if they're at our house, I know what they're doing.
Monday, March 12, 2012
PMS Spanking and Spring
I am PMSing and with NO warning! Ugh! Usually a few days before, my appetite increases, my libido increases, I crave chocolate. Also, I'm pretty regular. I have it in my calendar so my family can be prepared for the onslaught of attitude. But not this time. So out of nowhere my attitude and crankiness went through the roof. Ultimately I hate being grumpy but when I'm PMSing, I almost can't help it though. I was relieved when John asked if I needed him to help me take care of my attitude. He did that's for sure! I'm feeling more relaxed now, but I believe we're going to have to finish up later. It was just a little one to tide me over until after dinner so that I wasn't snapping at my family all evening.
On a happier note...I LOVE SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I come from a sunny state where it's summertime from February until October. OK, not technically, but it sure feels that way. Where I live now, it's cold and I hate cold. I've grown a deep appreciation for spring I've never had before. Last Friday, I went to my son's school to enjoy some breakfast with him then my husband and the 3 younger girls picked me up and we went shopping for flowers, then spent the whole day playing outside and planting. Finished the evening off with BBQ and beers then we relaxed by our outdoor fire pit with more beers. Last night at work I enjoyed that I could step outside and it wasn't freezing! I think spring is making its presence known and I'm not complaining one bit.
On a happier note...I LOVE SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I come from a sunny state where it's summertime from February until October. OK, not technically, but it sure feels that way. Where I live now, it's cold and I hate cold. I've grown a deep appreciation for spring I've never had before. Last Friday, I went to my son's school to enjoy some breakfast with him then my husband and the 3 younger girls picked me up and we went shopping for flowers, then spent the whole day playing outside and planting. Finished the evening off with BBQ and beers then we relaxed by our outdoor fire pit with more beers. Last night at work I enjoyed that I could step outside and it wasn't freezing! I think spring is making its presence known and I'm not complaining one bit.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Depression and DD
When I was in my late teens I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on an antidepressant that made me sick. It made me feel "tweaked". I literally had all the symptoms of a person under the influence of Methamphetamines. I wasn't sleeping for days, couldn't sit still or stay focused on anything, loss of appetite, etc. I went back to the doctor and was put on a different one, but I've never wanted to be dependent on a pill for my mood, so I also started visiting with a therapist. We worked together to develope ways of recognizing when I was going into a depressed cycle and how to stop before I got to the self-harm part. I worked very hard to develope these "tools" to prevent myself from hitting bottom on that cycle. I've come a long way. I still get depressed and without medication, I will from time to time and depending what's going on in my life, I will get depressed more often, but the cycles are shorter, much shorter. I still occasionally have thoughts of self-harm (not suicidal, they're different), but nowhere near as often and I never act on them anymore.
Everytime I do enter into a depressed cycle, I often wonder "should I go back to therapy?" or "should I get back on medication?" Here lately, I've been thinking about that medication part a lot. Here's why...my mom would often tell people or me that I have bipolar disorder, now I've spent a good portion of my life trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me, so I knew I didn't have the "manic" episodes that are common with bipolar disorder, so I didn't take her claims seriously. I can date my symptoms back to 4th grade which was in 1994, been researching for myself since high school about 2000-2002, when I finally got a diagnosis. My actual dianosis from my doctor at the time was "clinical depression", I accepted that because I didn't know any better. I've also since been diagnosed with OCD, but that's a whole other story.
So, I work over night in an addiction treatment facility which specializes in dual-diagnosis, meaning we treat people with psychiatric disorders along with their addictions. I spent a few nights ago researching something that came up in a conversation with one of my clients, I discoverd a disorder known as bipolar II. In both bipolar disorder and bipolar II disorder there are depressed moods ('k got that). In bipolar disorder when the individual is not depressed they are manic, which is extreme high causing the individual to act irritionally and often dagerously. (Nope, don't got that) Also, there is usually no in between, just extreme high or extreme low. (Nope, not me either). But wait! There's bipolar II, which instead of experiencing a manic episode, they have hypomania, often characterized as euphoria and extreme optimism. (Wait! That sound familiar...) Also, in between depressed episoded and hypomania episodes, their moods are relatively normal, they lead normal lives and are perfectly fine. (Oh!)
Now, I'm not into self-diagnosing that much, but I think this is important information for me to know. 1) bipolar II is different then clinical depression and treated differently. It says that you should NOT treat bipolar II with antidepressants unless mood stabalizers or antipsychotics don't work (oops!). It also says that sometime therapy can treat the person if their hypomania episodes are not detrimental to their health and safety or to those around them. So, it's possible I made the right choice by getting off the antidepressants and seeking therapy. I don't need medication at all unless my hypomania symptoms were to worsen to the point they are dangerous (which can happen, but not always). The idea of seeking therapy again is an option if I feel I need it. I think I'm going to go to a psychiatrist to maybe see if I have bipolar II instead of clinical depression. This I think will help me move forward in how I feel about treament.
Ok, maybe since this is a DD blog I should somehow relate this to DD, right? Here it goes...should I get spanked when I'm either in a hypomania phase or a depressed phase? Good question right? We've often thought about and discussed spanking during depression with each other with inconclusive ideas yet, except maybe we just try it. I feel safe with him and I trust him, so I feel like even if it were to go badly, it wouldn't send me over the edge because it's gotten to the point that even if I plaster a smile and act as if everything is "fine" to the rest of the world, I can tell him my deepest pain easily these days.
Everytime I do enter into a depressed cycle, I often wonder "should I go back to therapy?" or "should I get back on medication?" Here lately, I've been thinking about that medication part a lot. Here's why...my mom would often tell people or me that I have bipolar disorder, now I've spent a good portion of my life trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me, so I knew I didn't have the "manic" episodes that are common with bipolar disorder, so I didn't take her claims seriously. I can date my symptoms back to 4th grade which was in 1994, been researching for myself since high school about 2000-2002, when I finally got a diagnosis. My actual dianosis from my doctor at the time was "clinical depression", I accepted that because I didn't know any better. I've also since been diagnosed with OCD, but that's a whole other story.
So, I work over night in an addiction treatment facility which specializes in dual-diagnosis, meaning we treat people with psychiatric disorders along with their addictions. I spent a few nights ago researching something that came up in a conversation with one of my clients, I discoverd a disorder known as bipolar II. In both bipolar disorder and bipolar II disorder there are depressed moods ('k got that). In bipolar disorder when the individual is not depressed they are manic, which is extreme high causing the individual to act irritionally and often dagerously. (Nope, don't got that) Also, there is usually no in between, just extreme high or extreme low. (Nope, not me either). But wait! There's bipolar II, which instead of experiencing a manic episode, they have hypomania, often characterized as euphoria and extreme optimism. (Wait! That sound familiar...) Also, in between depressed episoded and hypomania episodes, their moods are relatively normal, they lead normal lives and are perfectly fine. (Oh!)
Now, I'm not into self-diagnosing that much, but I think this is important information for me to know. 1) bipolar II is different then clinical depression and treated differently. It says that you should NOT treat bipolar II with antidepressants unless mood stabalizers or antipsychotics don't work (oops!). It also says that sometime therapy can treat the person if their hypomania episodes are not detrimental to their health and safety or to those around them. So, it's possible I made the right choice by getting off the antidepressants and seeking therapy. I don't need medication at all unless my hypomania symptoms were to worsen to the point they are dangerous (which can happen, but not always). The idea of seeking therapy again is an option if I feel I need it. I think I'm going to go to a psychiatrist to maybe see if I have bipolar II instead of clinical depression. This I think will help me move forward in how I feel about treament.
Ok, maybe since this is a DD blog I should somehow relate this to DD, right? Here it goes...should I get spanked when I'm either in a hypomania phase or a depressed phase? Good question right? We've often thought about and discussed spanking during depression with each other with inconclusive ideas yet, except maybe we just try it. I feel safe with him and I trust him, so I feel like even if it were to go badly, it wouldn't send me over the edge because it's gotten to the point that even if I plaster a smile and act as if everything is "fine" to the rest of the world, I can tell him my deepest pain easily these days.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Yup, We're That Couple
If you knew me in real life, you'd probably get sick of hearing me talk about my husband. I can't help it, I miss him tons when I'm away from him even for a short period of time, so I talk about him to fill the void. If you were friends with me on Facebook, you'd probably get sick of the status updates "I love my husband, everyone have a nice day" or "my husband is sexy, just sayin'" I can't help that either. My husband got me this wonderful thing called a smart phone, and did you know you could get facebook on one of those things. My addiction can now be in the palm of my hand (I'm thinking someone should have warned him). So I'll be sitting there watching him do something and become so overwhelmed with his sexiness I just have to tell someone, so I tell all 126 friends on my Facebook.
The other day at church, I was dropping our daughters off at class when I walked out to see John looking at me kind of funny. I asked him "what?" but he didn't have to answer because as soon as the question left my lips, I heard what he was hearing. Our wedding song playing on one of the teenager's IPods. So, instinctively, we stepped into each other and began dancing to the music right there in the middle of the hallway much to the delight and amusement of the teenagers, the other little kids heading to class, parents, grandparents, and teachers. When we realized everyone was watching us, we just grinned at each other and headed off to our separate classes. (It was a Wednesday evening church day and we teach different classes, I assist in the 3-4 yr old class and he watches the birth-2 yr olds).
Yup, we're that couple.
The other day at church, I was dropping our daughters off at class when I walked out to see John looking at me kind of funny. I asked him "what?" but he didn't have to answer because as soon as the question left my lips, I heard what he was hearing. Our wedding song playing on one of the teenager's IPods. So, instinctively, we stepped into each other and began dancing to the music right there in the middle of the hallway much to the delight and amusement of the teenagers, the other little kids heading to class, parents, grandparents, and teachers. When we realized everyone was watching us, we just grinned at each other and headed off to our separate classes. (It was a Wednesday evening church day and we teach different classes, I assist in the 3-4 yr old class and he watches the birth-2 yr olds).
Yup, we're that couple.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Spring cleaning is coming!
Spring is just about here and I've been in spring fever mode since February. I tend to start it about that time because where I grew up, spring started in February, not technically but temperature wise. I've created a list of all my projects I want to get done and am super excited to have a little extra decorating money this year.
So one of our projects is to set up our garage as a hang out for when we have friends over (as well as for spankings) and we spent some time out there the other night listening to music, eating pizza, and having a couple of beers, discussing how we wanted it set up as. It was awesome and I think it will really work out well for us. Only problem is it's not insulated so it gets cold in the winter and it was cold the night we were out there. We had our little space heater and it was OK as long as we were just sitting there talking, but my husband had other plans. We had plans for a maintenance that night, but I was too cold. As he tried to convince me to get ready, I was complaining about it being cold. Finally he sat down and said "I'm tired of hearing the excuses, now get over here" His voice was just firm, not angry or aggressive. It was low and calm and in a way relaxing. What was amazing to me was that I whined just a bit more to voice my opinion then, not only got up to present myself to him, but I actually WANTED to. It was like I subconsciously wanted to make sure he wouldn't let me talk him out of it. It didn't take long for me to be over the cold anyways. Afterward, he cuddled me in his lap and I just rested in his strength for a little before we packed up and went back inside. I feel so safe in his arms. He is such an amazing man.
We've come so far and we haven't been doing it for very long. I'm becoming more confident in myself and he is becoming more confident as a leader of our family. We're not making it a secret to people that he is head of household and I am the wife and mother of my home, but sometimes fighting stereotypes can be difficult. I don't think people realize how much control I actually have in my home. I am actually in charge of cleaning. I have a list with detailed jobs for who I want to do what where and when. That's what I'm good at and John is fully confident in stepping back and taking direction in this area. I'm OCD (literally actually) and he doesn't think quite as detailed as I do in this area. In areas of finance that's another story and another post.
Have a great day everyone :)
So one of our projects is to set up our garage as a hang out for when we have friends over (as well as for spankings) and we spent some time out there the other night listening to music, eating pizza, and having a couple of beers, discussing how we wanted it set up as. It was awesome and I think it will really work out well for us. Only problem is it's not insulated so it gets cold in the winter and it was cold the night we were out there. We had our little space heater and it was OK as long as we were just sitting there talking, but my husband had other plans. We had plans for a maintenance that night, but I was too cold. As he tried to convince me to get ready, I was complaining about it being cold. Finally he sat down and said "I'm tired of hearing the excuses, now get over here" His voice was just firm, not angry or aggressive. It was low and calm and in a way relaxing. What was amazing to me was that I whined just a bit more to voice my opinion then, not only got up to present myself to him, but I actually WANTED to. It was like I subconsciously wanted to make sure he wouldn't let me talk him out of it. It didn't take long for me to be over the cold anyways. Afterward, he cuddled me in his lap and I just rested in his strength for a little before we packed up and went back inside. I feel so safe in his arms. He is such an amazing man.
We've come so far and we haven't been doing it for very long. I'm becoming more confident in myself and he is becoming more confident as a leader of our family. We're not making it a secret to people that he is head of household and I am the wife and mother of my home, but sometimes fighting stereotypes can be difficult. I don't think people realize how much control I actually have in my home. I am actually in charge of cleaning. I have a list with detailed jobs for who I want to do what where and when. That's what I'm good at and John is fully confident in stepping back and taking direction in this area. I'm OCD (literally actually) and he doesn't think quite as detailed as I do in this area. In areas of finance that's another story and another post.
Have a great day everyone :)
Friday, March 2, 2012
My Husband the Drummer
My husband's a drummer...well not really but he was pretending to be one last night while he gave me a maintenance spanking. Seriously, he was drumming out a rhythm on my bottom. I was voicing my objections to the spanking while at the same time caught up in the rhythm of the beat and amused by his sudden interest in percussion. Who says you can't have fun with this DD stuff?
Anyways, last weekend I got to spend some quality girl time with a really good friend of mine. We got manis and pedis then went shopping. I did break down and tell her about John and I having a DD marriage and what then ment and she didn't seem shocked at all, in fact she said it wasn't weird. It's awesome to have a friend in "real life" I can talk to about this stuff.
So John has told me already that one of his rules would be that I would keep my ringer on my phone unless I talk to him first minus a few occasions when it's obvious I should turn my ringer off like at work, in a meeting, at church, or at a movie theater. You see I have a habit of turning my ringer off then forgetting to turn it back on, so then I miss calls (especially from John) or I misplace it and we can't call it to find it because the ringer is off. So I went out with my friend and while at the nail salon, I turned my phone on vibrate then threw it in my purse. Perfectly acceptable I would have it on vibrate while at the nail salon, but afterwards I forgot to turn it back on. John called me twice to see if I would pick him up something for him to take to work that night for dinner and to see if I would be home before he left because there was something he needed in the car. Oops! I knew when my friend said my husband had texted HER to have me call him, then I seen that I had 2 missed calls from him and a voicemail, that I was in trouble. So, I called him. Here's how the conversation went:
John: Hi honey, what're you doing?
Me: Umm...sorry I missed your call...
John: Yeah, what is your ringer set as?
Me: Vibrate
Him: What is it supposed to be?
Me: On
Him: yeah, you know what that means?
Me: Yeah
Him: Yeah
He was so serious and comfortable in this instance. It really felt real. From what I've read, this isn't a unique problem to us that it takes some time before it feels real. The conversation continued as normal. I headed home after the phone call because we were just about done anyways and I knew I was already in trouble I didn't want to push the issue.
I was nervous, we already addressed the issue about not puting punishment off for too long, but I knew he wouldn't have time to give me a proper punishment before work, but I didn't want him to let it go either. I had no idea what was going to happen but none of the possible situations in my mind was what we discussed for punishment. When I got home, we did the quick hellos, showed everybody my freshly painted nails, then John and I headed into the bedroom to discuss things. He explained he didn't want me fretting over waiting for punishment, but he didn't think it would be a good idea to just let it go. He had already come up with what he felt was a fair way to handle this situation. He gave me 6 hard swats with an implement I don't like and a lecture about why it was important. If I hadn't had my friend with me with her phone on, I may not have made it home before he went to work.
I'm so glad we're growing and this is getting easier. I know we still have a ways to go, but I think we've made some progress. We're still struggling to find a routine that works for us. We did have a long discussion about what's holding us back the other night and hopefully we'll continue to move forward with this.
Anyways, last weekend I got to spend some quality girl time with a really good friend of mine. We got manis and pedis then went shopping. I did break down and tell her about John and I having a DD marriage and what then ment and she didn't seem shocked at all, in fact she said it wasn't weird. It's awesome to have a friend in "real life" I can talk to about this stuff.
So John has told me already that one of his rules would be that I would keep my ringer on my phone unless I talk to him first minus a few occasions when it's obvious I should turn my ringer off like at work, in a meeting, at church, or at a movie theater. You see I have a habit of turning my ringer off then forgetting to turn it back on, so then I miss calls (especially from John) or I misplace it and we can't call it to find it because the ringer is off. So I went out with my friend and while at the nail salon, I turned my phone on vibrate then threw it in my purse. Perfectly acceptable I would have it on vibrate while at the nail salon, but afterwards I forgot to turn it back on. John called me twice to see if I would pick him up something for him to take to work that night for dinner and to see if I would be home before he left because there was something he needed in the car. Oops! I knew when my friend said my husband had texted HER to have me call him, then I seen that I had 2 missed calls from him and a voicemail, that I was in trouble. So, I called him. Here's how the conversation went:
John: Hi honey, what're you doing?
Me: Umm...sorry I missed your call...
John: Yeah, what is your ringer set as?
Me: Vibrate
Him: What is it supposed to be?
Me: On
Him: yeah, you know what that means?
Me: Yeah
Him: Yeah
He was so serious and comfortable in this instance. It really felt real. From what I've read, this isn't a unique problem to us that it takes some time before it feels real. The conversation continued as normal. I headed home after the phone call because we were just about done anyways and I knew I was already in trouble I didn't want to push the issue.
I was nervous, we already addressed the issue about not puting punishment off for too long, but I knew he wouldn't have time to give me a proper punishment before work, but I didn't want him to let it go either. I had no idea what was going to happen but none of the possible situations in my mind was what we discussed for punishment. When I got home, we did the quick hellos, showed everybody my freshly painted nails, then John and I headed into the bedroom to discuss things. He explained he didn't want me fretting over waiting for punishment, but he didn't think it would be a good idea to just let it go. He had already come up with what he felt was a fair way to handle this situation. He gave me 6 hard swats with an implement I don't like and a lecture about why it was important. If I hadn't had my friend with me with her phone on, I may not have made it home before he went to work.
I'm so glad we're growing and this is getting easier. I know we still have a ways to go, but I think we've made some progress. We're still struggling to find a routine that works for us. We did have a long discussion about what's holding us back the other night and hopefully we'll continue to move forward with this.
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