A Question Answered

On my last post I received the following questions from Susie at Her Mischief Managed  (check that out, I learned something new!):

What is the biggest change you have seen in your relationship since starting Dd? Do you think you could go back to the way things were before or do you have the sense that you are in this for good?

At first I thought "I'm too new at this, I don't know how to answer" but then I got to thinking about it and you know what?  I do have an answer, but first I have to give you a little background so you can all understand the significance of the changes we've made so far.

Before I continue on with my background, I would like to make it perfectly clear I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me.  There's 2 reasons for that, 1) I don't live that life anymore and it has made me a stronger woman because I have lived it and 2) It could have been worse.

So here we go...

Background: Before I met my husband I was a single mom.  There were times that internally I wanted to pitch a fit and scream "it's not fair!"  There were times I wanted to lay down and give up or at least I wanted to freakin' cry, everyone cries and I wanted to too, but I couldn't.  The weight of the world was on MY shoulders.  When we were homeless, it was up to ME and no one else to find a place for us to stay.  If there was no money to pay the electric bill or the water bill, it was MY job to find someway to pay it.  When food was scarce, I made the sacrifice to go without eating so my son could eat and I had to work, I had to keep the house clean, I had to go grocery shopping with a screaming kid even if the only thing I had the patience to get was dinner for that night, I had to take care of a sick kid and EVERYTHING else.  It was MY job to do it ALL and I sure as hell didn't have time to cry or feel sorry for myself.  I often threw on clean, but not always nice looking cloths, threw my hair in a ponytail after a 5 min. shower and ran out of the door with no makeup (it's a wonder my husband ever saw me as beautiful when we met).

So, with that background, shifting from single mom mode to wife and mother mode has not been smooth, in fact at times it's been down right impossible.  Ask my husband, he'll be glad to tell you about how frustrating it's been for him.  I want to take charge and do everything, my way.  He wanted and still wants to take some of that weight, he wants to see me stress less, he wants to freakin' help, is that so much for him to ask of me?  Well, to me, it was.  He'd often throw his hands in the air in exasperation.  He'd lock himself in our room and watch TV while his wife was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to do EVERYTHING by herself.  He'd shut down and I would distance.

Since starting Dd, he takes control of my to-do list.  I can negotiate to put something back on it if it's important to me but something else has to come off.  He's in charge of disciplining the kids, that's no longer a task I have to do.  I HAVE to let him help around the house and with the kids on his days off, even if that means staying in bed to avoid jumping in and doing my thing.  I have to make time for myself.  He's already made a rule that I have to shave my legs at least 3 times a week and get a pedicure at least once a month, but he's starting a new rule that I have to wear make-up whenever we go out somewhere.  These rules aren't because he like to have a beautiful, well kept wife (though, that is a perk of his job), but they're because I feel calmer, more confident and happier when I take the time to make myself beautiful.  I used to think I didn't like being a girl, I didn't like doing my hair or make-up, I didn't like dresses or high heels or pedicures, but it turns out I was wrong and I'm sort of getting used to this whole girl thing.

And that leads me to the answer to the second question...no, I don't think we'll ever go back to the way things were and I think if you asked my husband, he'd agree.

Well as the HOH, if we were to ever go back to the way it was before DD, it would lead to a Divorce because I can not take feeling like I have no say in my house or to be at home and never have anytime with my wife cause she is run run run.  I have to feel that she needs me and that she respects me at the same time.   

Thank you Susie for asking this question and getting me thinking and sorry to all you readers for it being so long.