I'm a Woman, Hear Me Roar (or Cry)

Ugh!  Sometimes I get so busy with my daily life it's difficult to keep up with this blogging thing.  I think honestly, I just need to lower my expectations of blogging.  When I started blogging, I was semi-disabled (OK, I had a broken wrist, but I would honestly rather have a broken leg than a broken wrist.  And I would know, I've had both), therefore I had more time for blogging.  Now that I'm back to my full work ability, I need to realize that I can't blog the way I did in the beginning.  So here's what I'm thinking.  I can usually find time to read blogs fairly easily, so I will continue to do that.  If I erase the idea that every time I log into blogger I need to write a post as well as read and comment, I think I will be more willing to log in more often, like quickly in the mornings after working overnight or before bed when I don't work to leave comments, but not always post.  (maybe a laptop or and Ipad would help as well, but as of now, I'm stuck with an old school desktop).  I'd like to at least find time once a week to leave a post.  So there's my plan.

Now, I have a story to share.  It's semi-Dd related.  There's a situation at John's work which is a source of stress for us.  I was internally dealing with some of the emotion and stress I was feeling.  To be honest I was frustrated with the whole thing.  John at times gets upset if I get upset about anything.  He doesn't get upset with me, but more that he can't "fix" everything.  Just as every parent wishes they could put their children in a bubble and protect them from life, John wishes he could do that for me.  When John gets upset though, he's not very good at expressing it appropriately.  It will sometimes come out as anger directed toward me.

We were sitting in the car waiting for the kids to get out of school and talking about this.  I began telling him how I was feeling, my voice was a bit tense, but that's because I was very frustrated about the situation.  He sensed my tense tone and snapped at me that he wasn't going to tell me anything anymore if I was just going to react that way.  I bubbled over and began telling him that when he keeps me in the dark, it makes me feel like I'm pretty much useless to him.  Like I'm just his trophy wife to look good on his arms but that I'm incapable of dealing with life, incapable if thinking or anything.  That he views me as just some bimbo.  He told me that's not how he meant it.  I knew that wasn't how he meant it and he's gotten a lot better at telling me about things that affect me over the past several months, but he isn't perfect yet either.  I told him, I knew that wasn't what he meant it to say.  I know that he doesn't tell me things for the same reason a parent doesn't tell a child about problems affecting the home, he wanted to protect me from all the negative emotions.  If John had his way, I'd be happy all the time.   I told him he can't shield me from the world, that I will get upset, that I still feel pain and frustration and stress, but those emotions don't limit my ability to deal with situations anymore than they limit his.  He told me, he felt like it was his job as the man to protect me.  He said he views me as his delicate little flower.  He never meant to hurt my feelings or to make me feel like I wasn't a partner in all this.  He just wants to make me happy.  I appreciate that.

I am a woman capable of dealing with some harsh situations.  John knows and appreciates this.  However, like I've mentioned above, he wants to protect me.  He knows most of what I've gone through in my life before him and he wants me to have a better life, but at times his image of a better life for me is impractical.  I don't think he realized before the above conversation that just having him in my life and not facing everything alone already makes my life better.

I never used to cry.  I would shake everything off and continue to move forward with never a tear spilled.  The stress mounted itself on my shoulders but never revealed itself in my actions or behaviors.  I hid everything from everybody.  I smiled and moved on.  Hey somebody had to.    That was before I met John though,  Since him, I've learned to cry, to trust in him, to let go of things I can't control.   I have a partner now to help me.  Unfortunately at times I feel weaker because I show my emotions more.  I have to remind myself that I am stronger now than I have ever been because I do have the love and support from John.  Sometimes I, like John, see me express all these emotions and think I am not capable of handling a situation.  It's not until John tries to protect me that I realize, I am still strong, in fact stronger.  When I have to tell him that it's OK for me to cry and get frustrated, but I can still handle all life throws at us, I realize that I am not weaker because I cry, but stronger because I have the love and support of a man who cares about how I feel.


The first part of this post was typed earlier today, the rest I'm typing now...

I let some things with my mom overwhelm me today and I let it all out to John (while waiting to pick up the kids again, go figure).  Instead of jumping up to "fix" it, he listened to my feelings.  It relaxed me that he didn't jump up (figuratively) to save me.  Some situations you can't change, especially when they involve other people's actions.  This particular situation is an example.  He can't "fix" it anymore than I can.  Doesn't mean I won't get frustrated about it or that I won't need to vent.  He accepted that I had to cry and get it out.  Then he provided me with wine and cuddles when we got home.  :) I truly love that man.

Passing Notes

One day, I came home from work not feeling very upbeat or happy.  I was over tired, over stressed and depressed.  I had been working a lot of hours I'm not used to, my normal everyday life hadn't slowed down or demanded any less of me just because I was working and I was missing my husband, who had recently switched shifts causing us to not see or talk to each other.  While I was sleeping, John was watching the kids and getting the house cleaned for me so I would wake up to a nice clean house.  When I woke up, I found a folded up piece of paper next to my pillow.  It was a note from John.  I smiled as I imagined him sneaking into my bedroom while I was sleeping to leave a note for me to find when I woke up.

As I read it, my smile got bigger...

To my one and only love,
These past few weeks have been crazy.  I have been lost in thought and you have been running around and thinking about this job.
We have been so out of it that we have not been to the garage for reconnection in a while.  I want to get this life back on track.  First I want to start with our Dd lifestyle and get back on track with that.  I want a membership to the gym and I wast us to use it three times a week.  I want to start getting out of this house  go to the park hell anywhere, walk, let kids play.  I want my wife to be happy again.  I want her to lose some weight so she can be happy with herself again (I have been depressed a lot lately about my added weight, John likes it but it bothers me so he is allowing me to lose weight but I'm not allowed to get below a certain weight which is higher than what I was when I met him).  Hell I want to lose some too.  I know this new schedule is going to be hard but we can make it work and the extra money will help us get to where we want to be.  I love you and miss your smile.

Well on a diff note you are always asking about my fantasies so I will try to lighten you.

He then went on to write one of his fantasies which he kindly snuck back in our room to read to me and then we reconnected in a different way.

I thought this was sweet and wanted to share it with you.

Home Again

We're back!  It was such an awesome trip, I'm really glad we did it.  We saw some sights, did some stuff and ate some food.  The best part of the whole thing was being with John and how he excepts me for the nerd I am.  John and I don't just sit around talking about the stuff we'd like to do someday, we actually DO stuff we say we will.  Sometimes things don't work out for us to do some things, but if it's possible, we do them.  That's how I know, if we both make it to retirement, we really will buy an RV and visit all 50 states (yes I do realize we can't drive our RV to Hawaii, but we're still going to go).

I have 2 more posts that are already written to type up and publish, hopefully, I'll get those done some time this week, just wanted to check in and let you all know we're back and that we had wonderful time.

HOH in Training

John and I are getting ready to head out on a romantic getaway for the weekend, but before I left I wanted to share one more post with you.  I was torn which post to write next.  I knew I wanted it to be more upbeat after the last one, so, I chose this one because it's kind of cute (IMO).  I hope you enjoy.

First, a little background.  My son, Junior's father and I split when Junior was six months old.  As much as I tried to make sure Junior had as much of a normal childhood, he (maybe out of instinct?) picked up and sort of became the man of the house.  He was Mommy's little helper, Mommy's little man.  It was him and Mommy against the world (or so it seemed at times).  Even when Little Suzie was born, it was almost like Junior and I were raising her together.

Mommy had a few boyfriends here and there but they usually we just friends and never anything serious.  Nobody stayed the night, EVER, let alone did any of them live with us.

When John and I got serious and moved in and began planning our happily ever after, Junior butted heads with John, A LOT.  He acted as if he was threatened by this new man.  At first John and I were completely stumped but Junior's behaviors.  We didn't understand.  I truly thought I was doing what was right by providing a male role model in his life.  One day it dawned on both of us what Junior's problem was and I had a talk with him.  I explained to him about how this was his opportunity to be a normal kid and nothing more.  I explained that I still needed him in my life and that he was still important but that his role was just a bit different.  John was here to help us both not take his job.  He relaxed after that and watching the two bond amazing.

Junior and I left the other night at dinner to go to practice and were going to eat when we got home.  When we got home I was so tired, I began heating up dinner for Junior and said "I'm tired and heading to bed."  Junior said to me "NOT before you eat dinner."  I'm sitting here thinking "Is Dad paying you?"

Another time, mother nature was taking her toll on my emotions and I awoke to find John had cleaned my house.  Did I react with thanks and gratitude like John deserved?  Oh no, mother nature had other plans (all you ladies know what I mean, right?).  I began getting all upset saying things like "I feel useless to this family" and "I'm a bad mother and wife, I can't even keep the house clean by myself."  I kid you not, both John and Junior simultaneously said "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, what's wrong?"  I think if I wasn't already in mother nature's grips, I probably would have laughed.

So there you have it.  Examples of how my husband is influencing my son  ( NO HE IS MY SON NOW   LOL).  Now, I can never get away with anything again because he's got a little deputy looking out for me when he's not around.

Hurt Feelings and Moving On

So, I'm ready to write about the hurt that I was experiencing when I wrote this post.

It started with one painful realization, then there were a couple of events that, alone, I probably could have handled, but mixed with the emotions I was already feeling from the fist realization and add to that, I wasn't sleeping for days at a time due to extra work hours and I was headed towards an emotional breakdown.  Through it all, I could sense John feeling lost and frustrated because these were situations that were beyond our control and he wanted to "fix" things and "save" his wife (typical John *swoon*).  He remained loving and supportive though.  He wasn't always able to physically be there for me but I could feel his love and support always.  There's one particular instance I will blog about in a later post (I wrote quite a few posts while I was working so much that are just sitting there waiting to be typed up and published, some even Dd related).

The first realization is that parts of John's family do not except me and my kids the way they do John's ex-wife and her kids.  This isn't a sudden realization.  I guess I just figured after three years we'd all be bit further down this road that we are.  In fact, things have either remained stagnant or moved backward.  John has a sister who lives here in our area who treats my step-daughters as he nieces and my bio kids as the other kids.  She doesn't appear to do this consciously but it seems more out of habit (after all, I do realize my step-daughters have been her nieces longer).  It's still painful though because our family has been together three years and I just kind of figured things would be different by now.  An example of what I mean is, one day my MIL was watching Tommi (my younger step-daughter) and Little Suzie (my daughter who is the same age).  My local SIL was on the phone with my MIL discussing how my MIL was watching Tommi and my SIL was going to go to visit her.  She stopped by the store on the way to pick up treats for Tommi.  Once she got to my MIL's, she realized Little Suzie was there.  Since she didn't want Little Suzie to feel left out or neglected, she divided the treats she bought Tommi between the two girls.  She didn't intentionally mean to leave Little Suzie out when buying the treats, but while on the phone with my MIL, neither bothered to discuss whether or not Little Suzie was there, only that Tommi was there.  Also, it's pretty obvious (to me anyway) that if my MIL has to watch Tommi for us, wouldn't she have to watch Little Suzie as well?

My MIL's preferential treatment is a little more obvious and seemingly intentional.  To begin with, she feels I am too hard in my expectations of behaviors from my step-daughters (despite the fact I expect the same out of my bio kids who are the same age) and will often express in a round-a-bout way to the kids these feelings.  She isn't really cruel or mean to my bio kids but they can see she in more lenient and gives more (time and gifts) to my step-daughters.  Further, she still treats John's ex-wife as a daughter-in-law and her older son (whom John doesn't get to see anymore) as a grandson.  This is understandable since John and his ex were married for several years.  I honestly don't expect her to give up these members of her family just because of me and my bio kids.  What hurts is that despite how John's ex has treated him and my step-daughters through the final year of the marriage, divorce and John remarrying, she will still except her and her son but won't except me, John's wife, who everyone (besides apparently my MIL) agrees has been good for him and his daughters.  Nor will she except my bio kids who are related to her the same way that John's ex-wife's older son is (the baby being biologically her granddaughter).

In the same week that I was reeling from recent interactions with my MIL and the realization that our relationship will probably never change, John got a promotion at work (yay!) except in order for him to accept it, he had to go to the shift we both agreed neither of us would work because that was family time.  After discussion and me crying a lot, we agreed he would take the promotion but it meant I would see him much less.  In fact, since he's switched shifts. I've rarely spent more than five minutes talking with him daily, ten minutes at the most.  It's been painful and I really, really miss him.

Then there are some fairly new neighbors that just moved in on our street that have caused so much turmoil that most of the parents on our street (including us) have forbade their children from playing with the little girl.  This caused the girl's parents to react unreasonably.  We very calmly at first attempted to explain to the parents why the little girl was not allowed to play at our house anymore and why our children would not be allowed to play with her anymore and that resulted in her parents calling the police on us and making bogus charges against us.  We aren't the first or the last of the neighbors they have done this to and the cops didn't really take them seriously anyway since they make the same claim on everyone they call on.  Since that very dramatic incident, the parents have had several confrontations with my kids including threatening to call the cops on them for allegedly destroying another neighbor's property (which that neighbor already knew it was the little girl and didn't believe my kids had done it).  Again, my kids weren't the only ones the parents were targeting and all the kids in our neighborhood have retreated within their homes to avoid drama and conflict from these awful neighbors.

The last incident has worked itself out.  Since the neighbors have treated their landlord much the same as they've treated their neighbors, they are currently being evicted and we will soon have our street back.  As for my husband's new shift, yeah it's frustrating still, but the pay raise was significant and writing out a financial plan so that in the very near future we'll be able to buy a house together is exciting.  Also, a house in our area had their home broken into recently, so it's comforting to know John will be here at night to protect our family.  Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of protecting them, but I'd rather John does it.  He has more training than I do and he's way more skilled with a gun and clearing a house than I am (not to mention it's hot when my man defends me even though I'm able to defend myself).  The family isolation one, the biggest one, will probably never change and there's not a positive side to it, but when I feel hurt by the rejection of these members of John's family, I contact his family in his home state and just talk.  I did this the other day because I was feeling hurt all over again and they seemed to sense something was wrong and they provided me with love and support even from several states away.  My MIL and local SIL may not view me and my bio kids as part family but my FIL, his wife, my other SIL not to mention grandparents, cousins and tons of friends who double as honorary bothers and sisters to John adore me and my kids, ALL five of them.  That makes me feel good.

So, sorry this post got to be so long.  Thanks for stopping by and I hope to see you all again soon, maybe tomorrow.  :)

ABC's of TTWD

Stormy challenged us to come up with the first thing we think of related to TTWD for every letter of the alphabet.  This is my list.  I wrote it before I read everybody's lists so I wouldn't be influenced, but I had to post the 50 Shades post I'd been promising.  :)

Annoying

Bratting

Come here

Dread

Exciting

Friends

Good girl

Hard

Iron (as in taking it daily and ironing his shirts)

Just

Kink

Lap

Manly

Naughty

Opinions

Pout

Quit

Reminder

Sassy

Trust

Underwear

Vanish

Wash

Xercise (OK that was a stretch so let's all pretend I can't spell)

Yelling (or lack there of)

Zen

50 Shades Thoughts and Opinions

If you would allow, I'd like to explain a little about my presence or the lack thereof in blog land.

I don't always have the time or convenience of being able to get on my computer.  There are various reasons for this but the most common is that I'm working a lot.  I can get on with my stupid smart phone, but there are some limitations.  Blogger and my phone are not friends.  I can read the blogs from my phone (so I'm not really behind) but I cannot comment to blogger blogs from my phone.  I can, however, comment to wordpress blogs.  I'll sometimes hand write comments to certain blogs but by the time I get a chance to get on a computer, it's been so long I feel awkward commenting.  I feel like I've missed it and everyone has already moved on, especially on those blogs that have 30-40 or more comments.  I can't write a post from my phone.  I can approve comments from my phone, but cannot respond as that would require me commenting to my own blog which is a blogger blog and as I covered earlier, I can't comment to blogger blogs lol.  I will often times hand write blog posts while I'm at work to be posted later.  I do have a few to come :).

Alright, now for the main attraction, my thoughts on 50 Shades...

First, I'd like to point out that I love reading romance novels.  I love those quirky romantic comedies.  It shouldn't be too serious or too thoughtful because then it becomes real life and I life to read romance novels to escape real life.

Now, I realize these books are classified as erotica, but I feel like it also falls under the category of romantic comedy.  Honestly, that's why I liked these books.  I felt the "sex scenes" were repetitive and boring after a while, but the rest was rather entertaining in my opinion.

They're not the type of literature that people would spend a good deal of time over analyzing and I don't believe that was their purpose.  They're just fun books.

Also, I feel all the hype about BDSM and spanking in the book was a bit over dramatized..  I had heard/read before I read the books that some felt the books might encourage young women to get into abusive relationships because Anastasia felt like she had to do this BDSM lifestyle in order to please/keep Christian.  After reading the books, I would disagree.  First, whoever said that obviously doesn't understand true abusive relationships and second I don't feel like Anastasia did it just to keep Christian.  It is clear in the book Christian is willing to change for Anastasia but I think she'd mildly curious about the lifestyle.

In conclusion, I'd like to say, these were fun, enjoyable books for me because I like to read stuff like it.  I felt the BDSM/spanking in it was actually very light and mild.

And to the claims of "mommy porn", I think those commenters obviously have lived under rocks for quite some time.  This is not the first book or series of books to come out with sex or spanking for that matter.  Both my mother and grandmother read "smut", lol.  Everyone in real life I know who has read these books have read others like it before these even came out.

Just my opinion.  :)

John's Answers

After reading John's answers I just had to write a post so I could share his answers with you and respond to some of what he said.  John's not much of a writer.  He has a hard time expressing what's going on in his head through written word so sometimes I think people who don't know him so well miss some of what's cute about his answers.

Questions in bold, John's answers in italics and my reactions in red :)

1. How did you very first learn about DD, and what was your initial reaction to the concept?
I learned about DD from my wife, i then did some checking and then told her hell yes bend over.



Typical guy response lol.  Got to be all macho.  I don't recall him being quite so nonchalant about it.  In fact, in the beginning, he was very unsure of exactly what it was I wanted him to do.  It took a little bit to convince him that I didn't want to play a game.

2. Share one of your all-time favorite DD memories of you and your partner.
in the begaining i would tell her something and she would smile and i knew that i was going to have to spanke her because that is what she was wanting. Yeah, after he go all comfortable with the spanking thing, he really liked that I wanted him to.  There was a lot of smiling and smirking in the beginning.

3. What is one aspect of DD that you feel your partner has always handled very well?
i have to agree with my wife on this one
This is weird because neither of us have had good track records in the communication department before we met but somehow it was just easy for us to communicate with each other.

4. If you had to pick one person in your life to tell that you practice DD, who would you tell?
this is hard cause i do want to tell all my friends but with my job i can not.
I can see it all over the news if it gets out.  "Local law enforcement officer beats wife when she disobeys."  Yikes!  Better keep this to ourselves.
 
5. What is one thing you wish you had known when you started DD?
that we are not like everyone else out there. I am a spanko and so is she sometimes i just need to spanke her and she is always willing. But when we started i though she had to be in trouble to get spanked boy was i wronget
Yeah, I agree with this.  Also, for us, mixing fun spanking, stress relief spanking, reconnection spanking and discipline spanking wasn't as complicated as it first appeared.  They feel different and I much prefer the other types of spankings to the punishment spanking.  I avoid those at all costs.


So, I hope you enjoyed these answers.  It was cute for me to see what John had to say.

Questions Answered

Wow!  I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from my last post.  Unfortunately, after I wrote that we had some sudden things happen at work, forcing me into working quite a bit.  I think I'm back this time.  (I hope).  Things are as OK as they're going to be.  I really appreciate all of the comments I got from my last post.

On July 27th (sheesh I am behind), Molly at Creating Us asked some questions about DD, so I'm going to answer them now.

1. How did you very first learn about DD, and what was your initial reaction to the concept?
I learned about DD by doing a web search on spanking.  I had come across some blogs and I was intrigued.  I found it fascinating.  It was what I had always wanted but never really knew.
  
2. Share one of your all-time favorite DD memories of you and your partner.
In the beginning when John would first put his foot down so to speak, we'd both smirk.  He was serious and I better listen, but neither one of us could prevent it.

3. What is one aspect of DD that you feel your partner has always handled very well?
Communication.  We've always talked about what was working and what wasn't working.  I think that's something we've always been good at with each other.
 
4. If you had to pick one person in your life to tell that you practice DD, who would you tell?
This is a hard one.  We already have a friend that knows.  There are moments when I would like to tell everyone I come in contact with how great it is, but with my husband's job I worry so much about him losing his job and credibility.  He's an amazing man and it would kill me to hear someone say otherwise.
 
5. What is one thing you wish you had known when you started DD?
That we weren't going to be experts at the beginning.  I know that sounds so silly, but I truly felt we should be just like all those bloggers who have been doing it for years.  We eventually learned we needed to go at our own pace and things start off slow.


I hope you all enjoyed reading my answers.  I'm hoping the next time I talk to John, I can convince him to give some of his answers as well.  In the mean time, I'm planning on posting my review on 50 Shades tomorrow.  It's written, I just have to type it up and post it.  :)

Thank you all my readers and commentators for providing friendship and support.