Busy, Busy, Busy

My Dd life has been pretty boring here lately.  Not my life, just not a whole lot Dd related going on.  I did get a reconnect spanking while John and I were on a mini get away and that was nice.  We're hoping to have a more regular reconnect schedule when he switches his work schedule, new projected date will be July.

We did return from our mini get away, stayed in a near by city to see a concert for one of my favorite bands, met up with a couple friend of ours afterward and really connected with them.  I hardly know them because they're co-workers of my husband, but we really had a good time talking about love, life and marriage. Then we met with another couple of friends of ours for lunch the next day and caught up with them.  All in all it was a nice trip.

I am lucky enough that I'm pmsing now, which is a good thing.  I didn't start the pmsing until we got back from our mini get away and I'll be done when we head out on the road for our family trip here in about a week.  Perfect timing this time, which is weird for it since it likes to make its appearance when it's most inconvenient.

I don't know how often I'll be able to post with the upcoming road trip.  Packing and planning is key to successful trip and over the next week I'm going to be running like a chicken with my head cut off tyring to get everything ready to go, then we're going on our trip for 2 weeks.  I'll try to blog at least one more time before we leave though. 

So, of course after I type this, I get snappy with John and sent for a time-out in my room.  I know that sounds so childish in a way, that my husband gives me time-outs, but when I'm just being grumpy, sometimes I just need a time-out to re-group.  We've been incorporating that a lot lately because John doesn't want to have to spank me every time I'm grumpy since not every incident is worth a spanking.  Sometimes a time-out works wonders.

Also, John says that when the 3 book box set for 50 Shades of Gray comes out June 12, he's going to find a Barnes and Noble to stop at and pick it up.  I'm excited because I have been really wanting to read it and now my real life friend even said it's really good.

A Dd Conversation

Sometimes when people think of Dd, they think of spanking or a list of rules and consequences.  Today, I would like to share with you a conversation we had yesterday that really brought to our attentions the whole dynamic of Dd.

We've been dealing with a certain behavioral issue with our son for a while now and I had come up with a disciplinary method we could try.  I brought it up to John and he agreed it sounded like a good idea, so we went with it.  The problem is that when it comes to our son, John tries to deal with him on his own and keep me completely out of the loop, so he never told me when John Jr was in trouble so that I could enforce our agreed upon discipline.  Then, yesterday, John Jr did it again and John stepped in to deal with it leaving me completely unaware there was an issue, but instead of utilizing my disciplinary method, he came up with one on his own without even discussing it with me.  When he told me about the punishment he had dealt our son, I was hurt and I snapped at him "Really!?  Really?!"  then walked off. 

I could have stayed and yelled at him about how he had completely disregarded my ideas and made his own, but instead I knew I was heated and left the conversation.  John could have taken my leaving as a symbol of my disrespect for him but instead he went in to our room and calmly yet firmly called me in there.  He didn't become defensive at all as he would have done pre-Dd.  When he called me, I didn't want to go, I wanted to sit in the other room and fume at him, but I knew he was the HOH and when  he summons me to the bedroom I had better go.  So I went.  He started off by saying that any attitude would not be tolerated, but that he was willing to discuss the matter with me further.  We did calmly and he realized that he had hurt my feelings my coming up with his own solution without discussing it with me after we agreed on another solution. 

We came up with a compromise that would allow him to not take back what he had already set as a punishment but instead limit it for the day, continue on with my idea for the time frame we agreed on and in the future, John will be sure to let me know if John Jr is in trouble so I can enforce it.  He agreed to give it another chance and if he feels it's not working to discuss other disciplinary options with me before handing them out.

I know this sounds so mundane, but pre-Dd, this situation could have played out completely differently.  It could have included yelling and screaming hurtful words, slamming doors, stomping off and sulking, the silent treatment, eventual tears, then we would have been back in the bedroom but crying trying to figure out how to take back the precious 24 hours and fix what we hurt in our relationship and our son's behavior would have gone unpunished in the midst of all that.

Sometimes Dd isn't just about spanking and rules, sometimes it means one person can take charge of a disagreement and steer the conversation in a more respectful direction.

In Response to JJ

JJ at Waiting for Mr. HOH asked a question on her blog.  She asked "Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?"

Here's my answer:

We discussed this at length when we went through premarital counseling and I'd like to share what I learned here.  Before John and I met, we felt there was no way anyone would ever come before our children.  Our children were a part of our lives first and they would be more important than our spouse.  We knew the model of God first, spouse second and children third but we had no intentions of living by that even though we were both Christians and we weren't going to marry anyone who didn't understand our children would come first.

In premarital counseling though we discussed how, yes we should put our spouse first but we should marry someone who wouldn't make us choose between the two.  We also discussed that the relationship and the love you have for your spouse is not the same as the love you have for your children.  So it's more like we're comparing apples and oranges here.

Our pastor described the concept of spouse first and children second as not allowing your children to play parents against each other.  That we should provide a united front to the children and not allow them to come in between us.  This in turn gives them a sense of stability.  If your spouse hands out a discipline to a child that the child feel is excessive they may try to convince you of it.  If you agree with the child then you and the child can get into a discussion about how daddy's so unfair, you may not back his decision and your child and you sort of go behind his back and unrestrict the child.  This creates a feeling in your spouse that what he says is not important in the household, if this is something that continues for a period of time, your spouse will spend time other places that make him feel important.  The better choice is to explain to your child that this is what dad has decided is fair and uphold his decision.  If you feel he was unfair, you may discuss the issue with him behind closed doors, away from the child.


I feel like since we're in a blended family situation, it is actually even more important that we keep each other as top priority.  There are several reasons I feel this way.  One is because we didn't have that time before kids to cultivate a strong marriage, another reason is that both sets of step kids feel like their step-parent has encroached on their territory.  We were 2 set up families with 2 ways of doing things, so when we blended the families, each family had to give up some of their routine.  This made both kids feel like the other family "ruined" their lives, causing each to act out to the step-parent and to tell their bio parent that the step-parent was doing mean things to them.  Also, since it was just my husband and my stepdaughters before us and me and my kids before them, the kids weren't used to sharing their parent, now they have to share with more kids and another adult.  Frequently I've been shoved away from my husband by a step-daughter.  If they had their way, John and I would have no physical contact while they were here.  In the beginning I felt like every other week I stopped being a wife.  Of course I discussed this with my husband and we've worked on it with the kids.


She also asked how we make it clear to our kids.  We've sat down and had discussions with them about how the parent/child relationship is different then that of a spouse.  (we spoke in kids terms).  We talked to them about how everyone is born with the capacity to love the whole world as Jesus has so the fact that our family has gotten bigger just means there's more love in the family.  We have date nights, but I also work diligently to find fun unique things to do with the kids as well.  We also make one-on-one time with our bio kids so they don't feel as abandoned.  We have made it clear that if John and I are in our room with the door shut, they are to leave us alone.


Closing thoughts:
Without the marriage, there would be no family, but once an adult has children they now have a responsibility to that child to raise and nurture him/her to be a good adult.  If you don't nurture your marriage while the children are still growing, then what will you be left with when the children move out?  (this is what my parents experienced, I was an adult when they divorced).

Snapping Got Me the Hairbrush :(

Thank you to all my readers for your patience while I focused on my busy schedule over this long weekend.  I responded to all of your comments on the last two posts so if you commented head over to them to check our my repsonses.  I appreciated everyone's comments of support always.  My husband is still getting the new schedule but it's going to be a little later than originally anticipated.  They have to work just a couple of kinks the popped up.  It will happen shortly after we return from our trip which we're leaving on in a couple of weeks anyway so we won't even notice the extended timeline.

So anyways, over my long weekend I received a punishment and here's the story for you all and for John as there's an important message for him in it from me.  Enjoy!

We were at church this past Sunday morning.  Neither one of us had gotten much sleep so far over the weekend and we weren't done yet.  He had asked a simple question.  He wanted to know if I'd be OK with us skipping Sunday school.  I got really upset and whiny and maybe a bit snippy.  He was just too tired to deal with my irrational behavior, so he shut me out.  After we got all the kids dropped off at their Sunday school classes and before we got to ours, he pulled me aside and said very sternly "I will deal with you later".  The strange thing is a part of me actually felt releived.  We both ended up enjoying Sunday school but were ready for bed by the time we headed home.

Once we got home there was no punishment.  I understood that, we'd both been up all night.  What got me upset again was that he said he felt he had baited me and there would be no punishment at all.  I was really upset about this and I began to shut down emotionally.  I began to feel like he wasn't taking this dynamic seriously, our marriage seriously or me seriously. 

After we woke up he finally dragged it out of me what I was feeling.  He told me that since he was tired, he felt that he had mistook what I had said, but since I seemed to agree my attitude was out of line, he decided to spank me for it.  So out to the garage we went.  I was thinking "wait, no actually I think I'm good now, glad we had this talk now let's cuddle before you have to go to work".  I confuse even myself sometimes.

It hurt...a lot.  He used his hand, the ping pong paddle and that stupid hairbrush.  There was barely even a warmup if you could call it that.  For some reason all my logical reasoning goes out of the window during a spanking.  Is it really smart to yell at your HOH that he's spanking you wrong while bare bottomed over his lap with a hairbrush in his hand?  It's not?  Oops!  Yeah I did yell at him.  I yelled at him for spanking too hard, for not doing a warmup and didn't he remember it'd been a while since my last maintanence?  The I shouted at him "you just don't care do you?".  That's when he grabbed my hip, pulled me in and continued spanking but now it was faster and harder.  :(  I went limp and began to cry.  I know it's in those moments he probably doubts himself and wonder if he should be more lenient.  In case he has any doubts about continuing on after I yelled at him that he didn't care, I want him to know that it was somewhat comforting to me that he didn't let me take over and end the spanking then.  I'm glad he continued until I got that release I needed.   I stopped fighting him and flailing around then.  It ended pretty quickly.

Afterward, I felt at peace and I was glad he had continued after I yelled at him.  He does listen to me.  :)  He said I was glowing after the spanking and he was just talking about my bottom.  He says I just get the air about me afterwards like I'm floating on a cloud and in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm floating.

I'm Not Going Anywhere

I just wanted to hop in to let everyone know I'm not dropping off the face of the earth, I just have a very busy weekend.  I'm still reading your blogs, but I cannot comment from my phone.  I'm actually writing this as I shove food in my mouth for the first time today before heading for a nap before work tonight.  I also can't respond to each of your very nice comments on my last post.  I will come Wednesday (barring any unforeseen circumstances) and respond to your comments.

Thank you all again for your very kind support, I will never be able to express what it means to me adequately with words.

A parting thought though, we're getting ready to head on a family road trip next month and we'll be in very close quarters with each other and our children for 2 weeks leaving no time for "adult" time.  I'm wondering if any of you have any ideas or suggestions on how to keep this dynamic going even while we're on our trip?

When Our Bodies Fail Us

John works overnights and is only off a few days a week.  This means when he is off, I have to share him.  I share him with the kids, I share him with his friends, I share him with his own personal free time and I share him with his household chores.  Sometimes this doesn't leave me much time, if any.  And usually he's a zombie.

Last night, we were both barely staying awake until we put the kids to bed.  Once we finally got the kids to bed, we were both too tired for any sort of time together.  No spanking, no sex.  It's been a while since I received maintenance and I was hoping for one last night, but that didn't happen.  He tried to have sex with me, but that didn't work very well either.  We were both just too tired.

These times can be very frustrating for me since it's been a while since we did anything and I know it'll be a while before we'll even have another chance and then just it may end up like last night again.  Last Sunday night was a good night for us, but since then it's been pretty boring around here. He worked, then when he was off, he was too tired for anything, then I work, we both work, then I'm off but her works, then he's off but I work.  So the next time we'll have a chance for time together is Monday 28th.

The good news though, is next Sunday he officially switches to 8 hour day shifts!  I'm so excited!  It will be nice to start to feel like a normal family again.  When his job started talking about switching to 8 hour shifts, we were nervous.  We were afraid he'd get one of the 3 possible shifts that would hurt our family time even more, but instead he got the best option for our family.  My family is breathing a sigh of relief.

And I did get some bedroom time with him after I woke up this afternoon.  :)

2 Anniversaries

Well, John and I discussed it and have decided to share the 2 anniversaries story with you all (woohoo!) and if anyone recognizes the story, we'll deny it was us and you can't prove anything!  Those people just have a very similar life as us.  :)

Dream Wedding(s):
Most little girls have a dream wedding in their heads.  Since I was 16 I knew the kind of wedding I wanted and all I had to do was insert groom's name.  OK, there was a little more planning that went into me planning my wedding, but you get the idea.  I wanted a big garden wedding in August with flower girls and bridesmaids and groomsmen and an acoustic guitar.  Afterward, I wanted everybody to go to a hall for a huge dance party and party all night dancing and drinking and having a good time.  But, there was another vision of the perfect wedding day in my poor, little, confused and complicated head.  I wanted to stand in a church before God with only our witnesses and our pastor and pledge to commit myself to my spouse.  Sweet, romantic and sincere.  I also wanted rain on my wedding day (because it's good luck you know).   How can I have a big, beautiful garden wedding and rain?  I'm a walking contradiction (shakes head).

The Story:
I have a confession to make.  When John and I first met, he was still married (legally).  He was still married when we started dating, still married when we decided to get married ourselves and still married when we chose a wedding date.  And he was still married when that wedding date came around.  Now before you all gasp and wag your fingers at us, his divorce literally took 4 years.  That's a long time to wait to move on with your life.  Especially since she moved on when they were still together.  You know living together, having sex together, not just married by a piece of paper, but still together.

We didn't plan for our relationship to go the direction it did.  I truly believe, and so does John, that there was a bigger power involved in our relationship.  We decided to get married about the time we decided to sleep together and about the time I got pregnant.  We tried to keep our decision to get married a secret for a while, at least until his divorce was final.  There was a date set for the divorce to go through sometime in December.  I wanted an August wedding, so we picked August of the following year, picked a tentative date and still attempted to keep things a secret, at least from her.  We had to inform out of state family about our chosen date so they could plan their trip out.  The witch found out our plans to get married, not the date though and as we suspected, she held up the divorce.  To me, it's amazing an individual can hold up the whole process when it's so painfully obvious she doesnt't care about the marriage.

We held up our wedding planning for a little bit and waited to see how long she could really drag this process out.  There wasn't much for them to fight over.  He left her everything, they lost their house and were already living in separate houses, no debts, they weren't married long enough for her to qualify for alimony, so there was just the $3,000 of his retirement plan of which she only qualified for half of half.  The lawyers both agreed it'd be done by April.  Nope.  Court dates kept being postponed and continuations filed.  It was a circus and honestly the biggest joke I've ever seen.  She actually told people she was holding things off until our wedding date (which she never really figured out) hoping I would leave when I didn't get my wedding.  That's when we decided to go along with the preplanned wedding date and made a back up plan in case we couldn't get legally married on that day.  We had a family friend lead the ceremony and chose vows the were more declarations of our love rather than a pronouncement of a married couple.  And we had my big garden wedding.  It was beautiful and we partied all night, I don't think there was a minute I wasn't on the dance floor and we had a good time.  We put in our programs that it wasn't a legal ceremony but rather a celebration of 2 people committed to each other.

The divorce was quickly finalized after that and we had our second wedding the following May.  In our church with our 2 best friends and our pastor who'd counseled us along the way.  I bought a white cocktail dress to wear and we had a very intimate ceremony and I cried.  John surprised me with a second wedding band to symbolize this equally important day.  And it rained!  :)

So there you have it folks.  I have 2 anniversaries, I got 2 wedding bands, wore 2 wedding dresses and got both my dream weddings all because of someone who was jealous and vindictive.  In her attempt to ruin my perfect day, she actually helped to make it more perfect than I could have imagined.  :)