The Hairbrush :(

And, as promised, the hair brush story...

We're at Walmart the other day.  I'm looking at body washes and I notice John is missing so I go on a hunt for my silly husband and found him in the hairbrush aisle.  He's got a hairbrush in his hand smacking his palm with it.  I walk up to him and matter-of-factly explain to him "Honey, you can't use the plastic ones, they break and they don't work as well as the wood ones" shrugs "sorry, Honey"  A little disappointed, he replaces the hair brush to its location and turns around and "Oh look, wood ones!"  Now, when did Walmart start carrying wood hairbrushes?!  (Note to self, send a very nasty e-mail to Walmart)  Then my wonderful husband picks up a wood hairbrush and taps him palm with it "hmm mm hm" he says to himself, then looks at me and smiles.  Then "Whack!" right on my bottom, in the hairbrush aisle in Walmart!  I immediately spun around to make sure no one saw.  I didn't see anyone gawking, so if someone saw, they didn't stick around.  Whew!  Then I remembered, Walmart has cameras!

We did practice with the hairbrush last night before going out to dinner and let me tell you.  I definitely goes under our "punishment only" list.  Yikes!  That thing hurt and he wasn't even using it hard.  The worst part, is it has kind of a quiet "thud" so he can use it in the house, no waiting for time to sneak to the garage.

I now have a love/hate relationship with that hair brush...I love to hate it!  :)

After posting this my husband gave me another spanking with the hairbrush.  This one was more of a practice to see how it would work in the house.  It was over my jeans and still left my butt burning.  Ergh!  After he was done, he began brushing his hair with it and said "hm, it does a good job brushing hair too"  Imagine that!  Using a hairbrush to brush hair.  Who would have thought, it does have other uses besides spanking your wife with it.

Ironing Hubby's Shirts

A few quick updates before I continue on with this post...

I've been an emotional mess here lately.  I'll be fine and actually feel very good for a couple of days, then I'm off into a fit of tears again.  The other day, I broke down again.  My husband revealed his job is going to the new, horrendous schedule earlier than expected and after receiving news I did not get the job I wanted, I just couldn't take it anymore and I cried.  The I discovered I'd lost a stone on my brand new mother's ring and I cried some more, but John reassured me we had insurance on the ring and we could take it into the shop and have the stone replaced, whew!

We bought a new hair brush, yes for "that" (shudders).  I will tell you the whole story after we've tried it out this evening.

I'm working on a really fun (for me anyways) blog post about what Dd has done for my femininity.  I'm enjoying writing it and I hope you will enjoy reading it when I'm done and if not, who cares, I had fun writing it :)

Also, I'm debating whether to post about our 2 anniversaries, but it's such a unique story I'm afraid people will recognize it, so I'm trying to figure out a way to write it without too many details but to still get the point across, we'll see. :/

OK, now for our feature presentation:

I love cleaning my house.  I'm not sure why.  (Btw, my house is far from immaculate, we have 5 kids between the ages of 2 and 8)  If my husband would take the kids and leave for a couple of hours, I would crank up the music and have a blast cleaning.  It's kind of like taking a long walk to me, it clears my head and relaxes me.  I know that's weird, but if you knew me you'd know that I'm just weird.

So, John has created a new rule, I must press his work shirts.  I love cleaning but for some reason I'm not big on ironing.  I'd rather throw the cloths back in the dryer or take it to the cleaners.  The other day, I did my usual chores (self imposed) and as loads of laundry came out of the dryer, I folded everything and put it away immediately, but I hung John's work shirts on the coat rack to be dealt with later.  Then, it was later. :(  I had finished all my work except the ironing.  So I reluctantly placed a towel on the dining table (we don't own an ironing board, maybe that's why I dislike ironing so much, or maybe we don't own one BECAUSE I dislike ironing so much) and heated up the iron.  The task took me all of 10 minutes.  Whew!  I was done and I didn't have to worry about it for another week (OK, when I write it out like that, I just sound like a big baby)!

The next day, John said "Baby, thank you for pressing my shirts, I noticed and I really appreciate it."  I welled up with pride, I sure do like making him happy.  Now I can't wait to do it again.  :)

And now in honor of Mother's Day, I'm giving my kids blogger names so when I tell stories, it won't be as confusing...
Our oldest and only boy will be called John Jr. because he acts just like John and he's the only boy :)
My older step-daughter will be called Kelli because she reminds me of Kelli Kapowski (sp?) from Saved by the Bell only with out the fashion sense, my poor step-daughter has no fashion sense what-so-ever.
My older daughter will be called Suzie Jr. because she too loves to clean :)
My younger step-daughter will be called Tommi because she's our little tom-boy
and our baby will be called Princess because I think she truly believes she is a princess.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies, Aunties, Step-mommies, honorary mommies, and big sisters out there!

For The Mrs...

The Mrs at MyJourneyinDD asked us what we love and appreciate about our husbands.

This could take a while...

I love his take control, no nonsense, take no prisoners demeanor.  He knows how to get things done without being a bully.  I think it's sexy ;)

I love that he tries to help around the house.  It's cute when I have to go in and rearrange my cloths because he hung them up wrong.  It shows me he tried.

I love that he never gives up on anything.  He's so stubborn sometimes but he's so persistent.

I love that he listens to my thoughts and ideas and honestly believes I'm a genius.

I love the way he kisses my forehead or pets my hair.  It makes me feel safe.

I love how hard he works to make me smile.

I love that he is the type of person who will jump in his truck and help look for a missing neighbor kid even if the kid's mom is crazy (that's a long story), or run out to help a friend stuck in a ditch in the middle of the night, or give a homeless guy money or food.

I love that he always takes my side on everything.  There are a ton of people who have their opinions about everything, but he stands behind me through and through.

I love that he cries when he says good-bye to his dad after visits. Shh, don't tell him I told you all that, it embarrasses him, but I think it shows a lot of heart and love.

I love how he just gets me.  He knows when I'm hurting, knows when to make me talk about it, knows when to try to make me laugh and knows when I need a spanking.

There are so, so many more but this could go on for ages, so I won't go into all of them.

OK she also asked for the funniest moment.  This is so hard to choose from but I remember this one time just after we were married I caught him and my son having a food fight.  I know it may not seem so funny written out like that, but I walked in to see a 30 year old man and 7 year old boy throwing spaghetti at each other.  I thought this kind of stuff only happened on TV, yet here it was going on in my kitchen.  They did clean it up afterward though.

New Position for Maintenance

After I wrote all that out yesterday, I already started feeling better.  Then John and I talked a little bit and that also helped, add to that all your supportive comments and I feel ready to conquer the world today.

I did receive a maintenance and it was before John even read the post.  He just knew I needed some attention.  We were laying in bed talking while our two girls were in the living room playing.  We were laying on our sides facing each other and wrapped in each others arms.  He pulled my shorts up to expose my right butt cheek and began smacking it.  Softly at first, then progressively with more force.  Then he rolled us over so he can pay equal attention to the other cheek.  It was a nice way to receive a dreaded spanking.  I lay there next to him and hung on to him and breathed in the scent of him.  I didn't start crying in that position, but I did relax.  After, giving both cheeks attention, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me over his lap, pulled my shorts down and finished the spanking in that position.  That's when I started crying, but it wasn't as bad as I was afraid of.  The emotional pain that is.  The spanking was a bit harder and lengthier than usual and I still feel tender today.  Not sore, just tender.  I can tell I've been spanked.  It seemed that after getting some of those emotions out and then the first position he started the spanking in helped me prepare emotionally for the rest and to let go.

After the spanking he wanted to talk about how he could "fix" my feelings I expressed in my post, but this isn't something he can just fix.  This is our life and we have to make the best of what we have.  He said he could just quit.  I always roll my eyes when he makes ridiculous comments like that.  He knows I am proud of him and I would never take away his dream.  I think just venting a little and reconnecting with John helped snap me out of my little tiff.  We spent the little bit of time we had before he had to go to work goofing and making the best of it.  We made dinner together instead of me doing laundry while he made dinner.  Then we did dishes afterward together and the kids put the laundry away for me.  Yes he then had to go to work and left me doing it all on my own again, but I felt more at ease. 

I realized yesterday that I was designed to be a Cop's wife.  The experiences God has put me through has been molding me into being the best wife to my husband.  It won't always be easy and sometimes it will test me, but I truly in my heart believe we have what it takes to make this marriage work for the long haul.

So, on our anniversary, he has promised that he will spend all day touching me in someway, holding hands, rubbing my back, yes, spankings too, making love (of course) and even tickling.  I can't wait to celebrate our 1 year anniversary (again).

Codependent, independent and interdependent

In Sunday school we're doing a series on the book our church does for couples in premarital counseling.  It was interesting to study the book before we got married and I actually really enjoyed doing it with John, but it's even more interesting studying it now that we've been married for over a year and a half.  In the book, it discusses the difference between codependent, independent and interdependent relationships.  Obviously, the strongest relationships are interdependent, but it's such a struggle for me to get there. 

I used to be very codependent in my relationship with my former fiance.  He was very controlling and abusive and I thought I could not live my life, take care of my son or function as an adult without his "guidance".   Luckily, I was able, with the help and guidance of law enforcement officers (OK I say guidance, but what really happened was more of an intervention), to get out of that relationship and I discovered I'm actually pretty good at being an adult, although I did go through intensive counseling after to get through the PTSD I suffer and learn to cope with life again.

After, I became very independent by necessity.  I was a single mom and as such there was no one for me to depend on.  I was it.  So, I did everything by myself.  I'm good at it, but I always wanted a little support.  Emotional, physical and financial.  I wanted a husband.  Who knew once I found one, turning off that single mom mode would be so dang difficult.

My husband's career path is difficult for us.  He works long hours, over nights and unplanned overtime.  I'm left taking care of our home and family by myself often.  However, when he is home, he wants to be included, so I have to switch from leading role to supporting actor.  This switch isn't easy for me to accomplish smoothly. 

Sometimes, I just wish he had a normal job with normal hours.  As it is now, I sleep by myself at night, get up in the morning to get the kids ready by myself, my husband comes home in time to drop the kids off at school together, then he crawls into bed after a quick kiss goodnight because he's exhausted from his long night.  So I do household chores and take care of the kids who are home all day, solve any problems that come up, and save the world.  Then he wakes up and it's pick up the kids, making dinner and helping with homework.  We all sit down together and eat dinner, then he dresses for work and is out the door, again, after a quick kiss.  I bathe the kids and get them tucked in at night then crawl into bed alone. Our sex life is reduced to a series of quickies which are fun, but sometimes I want him to make slow, passionate love to me for hours, kissing and touching all over, then fall over sweaty and exhausted and sleep next to each other naked.  We don't even have time for reconnect spankings.  I start to emotionally shut down and go into auto pilot.  A defense mechanism my body has created over time.  Then, he gets mad when I go into supermom mode, but I don't know how else to be when he's not here and when he is he's asleep or a zombie.  He tells me he'll get up early to help with x,y and z, but then he doesn't, so I've begun to not rely on him in that aspect.  Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of my husband and what it is he does, also, with my previous experience as a single mom, I am more equipped to be his wife.  His job is very demanding and unpredictable.  I just need to know exactly what part of me he needs and when, so I can prepare mentally.  It's just a huge let down when he says he's going to be there and he's not and it's not as big of a let down when we already know he won't be there.

If you've been reading regularly, you know I had an emotional break down last week and got snappy over the weekend.  But, with our busy life, my husband hasn't had the time to bring me back to normal again.  I've already begun the emotional shut down process.  Now I don't even want a reconnect spanking because I'm afraid to feel the pain that is sitting there waiting to bubble over.  I don't want him to touch me, because I'm afraid of relying on him.  Sometimes I feel like his wife-on-a-shelf.  He sets me up there when he's too busy to deal with me and I am forgotten, then when he realizes he'd like his wife there he goes to get me and I'm expected to be available.

This was all just me processing some of the thoughts and feelings running through my pretty little head.  Honestly, what I really desire is for my husband to run off to his job to save the world and not worry about what's going on at home.  To know and rest assured that his wife has things handled at home, that she's OK and his children are cared for and that they'll be there when he gets home.  Then, when he comes home, I want for him to be able to forget (although never completely) the demands of his job and take care of his family, to be cared for, loved and respected by his wife and children.  To be included.  I don't want him to come home to being an outsider because we've had to deal on our own for a little bit.  I want to be able to emotionally handle all of this and be his perfect little wife.  He says I am the perfect wife but he sees me through rose colored glasses I think.

So, I am going to end the post with some positive thoughts so you all don't think I'm always such a negative person.  Yesterday afternoon, I had a good time making origami dresses with my girls then teaching my kids how swing dance and two-step.  I am looking forward to a couple of date nights this month.  First is our second 1-year anniversary (if you would like me to explain why we have a second 1-year anniversary, e-mail me and I'll be glad to tell you the story) so we're planning to go out to dinner at a semi-nice restaurant.  It's not black tie, but it's not Applebee's either and I get to wear a sexy dress and high heels.  Towards the end of the month, we have a belated birthday trip to a nearby city.  My birthday was several months ago and I received tickets to see one of my favorite bands perform this month, so we've planned a little overnight trip.  It should be a lot of fun and I can't wait, then next month is our family vacation.  I also can't wait for that.  So, I have a lot to be excited about. 

I love my husband and am really proud of his career choice.  I just need to learn to be more interdependent with him.  Able to do it on my own if necessary, but lean on him when he's available.  That's the wife I wish to be.

Punished

Things that were said during my punishment spanking last night...

"ouch that hurts!  Stop it!"

"Have you ever been on this side of the spanking?  It hurts!"

"What happened to the warm up?"

I think I tried to bite his thigh at one point, luckily I didn't actually follow through on that, since I'm pretty sure he would not have liked that.

Those are just a few I remember.  Apparently I act a lot better during maintenance than during punishment.  I got punished for getting snappy with the kids.  I'm supposed to go to him if they get too out of hand, but I thought I could be superwoman and handle it all on my own.

He took care of it right away, then he sent me to bed.  It wasn't really bad but it sure felt like it in the moment.  I did wake up in a much better mood.  John said when he woke me up for dinner that I looked much happier and relieved.

Stress Causes...

First, I guess I was too flustered when I wrote my last post to finish a sentence in there, so I'll finish it here for you "My co-workers and clients at work aren't helping either.  My boss has actually had to tell me, what they say doesn't matter, only her opinion matters and she thinks I'm doing a good job"  So, there you all go lol.  Sorry if this left any of you confused.

OK now that I have that out of the way, I'm going to tell you how Wednesday went for me.   My husband woke up earlier than expected because he had to go into work really quick for something.  While he was out, he called to have me do him a favor and I started snapping.  After several warnings to calm down he finally just told me to go to my room and wait until he got home then hung up.  I was in complete and total shock.  I said "whatever" and stomped to my room, slammed the door and threw myself on the bed (luckily he wasn't home to witness my 2-year old tantrum).  A few minuted later he pulled in the drive and came in our room where he started the questioning me about my attitude, but I was working so hard the keep things under control, I didn't answer him, so he rolled me over and gave me 1 swat.  That's it, that's all it took, I was done.  I started crying and telling him every little thing that was wrong with me and I cried the rest of the day on and off.  He was so patient with me every time I broke out in a fresh round of tears.

He said I'm am not allowed to volunteer for the opportunity that isn't working for me.  And if I don't do the one that I want to do, I will be in trouble.  Guess that settles that argument.

By the end of the day I was so worn out from crying, I just fell asleep.  I didn't get a stress relief spanking or a punishment spanking for my attitude.  I think he felt after I had cried all day long, I probably didn't need one at that point.

Yesterday, I felt much more relaxed.  I went for pedicures with my daughter then out to lunch.  Spent some time playing with my husband and kids when we got home.

Today, though, I have a new rule.  I have to keep my husband's work shirts pressed now.  I have to admit, as much as I don't mind laundry and enjoy housework, I'm not a big ironing fan.  Guess, John's going to fix that right?

Thank you everyone for your support.