Update: What's Been Going On

I've decided to come here and tell you all what has been going on.  John lost his job and since he was the bread winner of the family, that put a  huge financial burden on us.  I do work, but it's normally only part time and is more for my mental well-being then an actual source of income.  So we've been trying to find jobs, him a new job and me a full-time position.  Plus I've been picking up extra hours at work to help bring in some money.  When I'm not filling out applications, looking for places hiring in and out of my field and working extra hours, I've been taking care of the kids so they feel like everything's OK.  Also, we only have one family vehicle and since I have to get a full-time job now, we'll need another one, so we've been looking for ways to get one and looking for one.

I honestly thought I'd be back by now, but it's taking so long to get this all figured out.  I wish I could be here with you all, reading and commenting and supporting, but I just feel so disoriented right now.  I know you all understand.  You've been so supportive, it's truly a blessing for me.  I will never be able to express what it has meant to us.

People we know keep asking if we're OK and I keep smiling and saying we're fine.  Everything's good.  Trying to be positive and optimistic.  But the truth is, I'm not OK.  Inside I'm falling to pieces.  I'm hurt and pissed and I really just want to cry.  I can't though.  We have to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. 

I just keep looking at the bills and the bank accounts and wondering how this is going to work.  How we're going to get another car when we can't even figure out how to pay the bills we have now.  On top of all of this, several friends we made through the department that we've grown close to have stopped talking to us altogether.  That hurts the most.  It's like we're not part of their "clique" anymore.  There are rumors that they were told if they had any contact with us they would get fired, but not everyone from the department has wrote us off, so I don't know what the truth is and it hurts either way.  We don't have these friends anymore and that hurts.

This has been a huge blow to John's ego.  He feels he's let me and his family down.  He hasn't though.  There was nothing he could have done to prevent this, it's all political BS.  They wanted him gone and found a way to do it.  He's been depressed and mopey and kind of locked inside himself lately, which I completely understand.  I'm trying to be supportive of him and to just be here for him, but I miss my husband.  I want him back.  I have seen some life in him a couple of times, but those moments are so rare and brief lately.  I want him to feel good about himself again and not like a failure, I want him to smile and laugh again.  This all just hurts so much.

I really just wanted to tell someone, I'm NOT OK.  I know that I will be, but right now, I'm just not.

P.S.  If you want to get a hold of me, you can e-mail me at suzieplus6@hotmail.com.  My e-mails are sent directly to my phone so it acts like text messaging to me.

I Will be Back

I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know where I've been.  Something has happened to our family that has shaken us a bit.  I don't really want to go into details on my public blog, but I will tell you all we are all fine.  As of right now, we're still working on picking up the pieces so we can move forward.  I will be back to blogging as soon as I get the time, until then, I'm asking for patience from all of you.  I promise to be back soon.

Distancing and Goodbyes

There have been many times I've felt tempted to distance myself from my husband.  Always a bad idea.  Most of the time it stems from his deep commitment to his job.  Don't get me wrong, the kids and I are higher on his priority list than his job but his job is very demanding and important.  In order for him to do it right, he must make some family sacrifices.  There are times my emotions play tricks on me and I tell myself I don't matter to him.  He doesn't even notice me.  Well, if that's how his is, I'll make him miss me.  But I never follow through with this thought.  When the thought hits me, I curl up into him, let him wrap his big strong arms around me and revel in the joy and comfort of his touch, even if only for a moment.

There are times I am tempted to do my own thing and go back to just a single mom mentality while he sat around missing me.  "There!  Now you know how I feel".   No hugs and kisses and sincere goodbyes for you.  Nope, I'll just nonchalantly say bye while busy with other things as you walk out the door to do whatever it is you want to do that doesn't include me and if you insist on a kiss then it'll just be a quick peck.  I am tempted, but I don't follow through.  Instead, I turn TO him.  I may not tell him at that exact moment what's wrong with me because sometimes it's not always convenient for us to have an in depth conversation about my very complicated emotions.  But I sincerely say goodbye, with real hugs and real kisses.  I stop whatever has my attention at that moment to go to him to say goodbye, I give it my undivided attention.  I do the same for my kids.

You see, this is how my brain works...

What if I did follow through on my temptations.  What if I were too distracted to give him a real goodbye.  What if I moped around not being with him while he was home then he left and I barely said goodbye, acted as if it were inconvenient for me to do so.  He left not feeling that closeness from his wife and something happened.  To him or to me.  What if that half hearted busy goodbye was the last time we ever saw each other.  What if that was the last moment we have of our relationship.  I couldn't live with that and I can't bear the thought of leaving him with that.

The only thing certain in life is death.  We may not know when or how, but we know it's going to happen.  I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic.  None of us are promised tomorrow or the next moment for that matter.  Anything could happen, from the more common tragedies such as car accidents, to unusual tragedies such as what happened in Aurora, CO, to terrorist attacks.   My husband's job isn't the safest and to be honest, neither is mine.

Have you ever seen the movie Uptown Girls with Brittany Murphey and Dakota Fanning?  In one scene, Brittany's character is telling Dakota's character about the last time she saw her parents.  They were getting ready to go on a tour without her and she was mad because it was the first tour they would take without her.  She locked herself in her room and refused to say goodbye.  Her parents ended up dying in a plane crash while on tour and she never saw them again.

So, I treat every goodbye as if it were our last because we never know if it will be.

The Morning Grump Needs Some Attention

My family and I just returned from a camping trip over this holiday weekend.  Normally, I don't like going to this camp ground during a holiday, but there was rain in our area and it kept the majority of the camp ground empty all weekend leaving just us few campers willing to brave the rain.  It was a great weekend.

However, I somehow earned a spanking today.  It was a punishment spanking per se, but it was definitely not what I wanted to do at the moment.

You ever have a spanking that just pisses you off at first.  This one did.  I woke up grumpy this morning (from lack of sleep all weekend?) and I didn't want to be bothered with anything and especially not a stupid silly spanking.  I was just plain annoyed.  I laid there thinking "this is annoying" "this is stupid" "why does he have to do this anyway" "what a jerk he's being" "I have other things to be doing" and more.  I'm pretty sure it was that attitude that landed me OTK to begin with.  John wouldn't stop until he broke through to me though and he did.

I think it's my reaction after the spanking that freaks him out the most these days.  After, I kind of pout a little.  Maybe shut down.  I don't feel shut down but I don't talk about what I'm feeling because to be honest I don't fully understand it.  I feel pouty for no reason, I feel like I screwed up and I don't really want to end up OTK again.

Before I could be comforted back to a normal temperament, the baby (who's not a baby) had an accident in her pants so John took her to clean her up and I began cleaning the mess on the floor.  When he returned he said "Baby, I was going to do that" this made me frown a little at him.  I hadn't intended to and wasn't really aware I had done it but he sent me back to the room anyway.  I went in and began to cry.  He said "Baby, what's wrong" and I blubbered out "I don't want to get spanked again"  He said he wouldn't and laid down with me in our bed to cuddle a little.  I began feeling better and I'm not a grump anymore.

Note to John:  After this spanking today I feel much more awake or alert or whatever I wasn't feeling earlier, definitely less grumpy or annoyed, not motivated though (not sure where that went) and I feel much more relaxed right now.  Things just feel right when they didn't earlier.  Thanks for that.