Honey, I'm Home! :)

Hello everyone, we're back from vacation.  It was an amazing and long overdue.  We spent our time reconnecting with old family, meeting new family and rekindling relationships with lost family. I wish I could tell you all everything we did and show off all our pictures but as we all know I can't :(.  I loved traveling across our beautiful country.  We drove through mountains and across plains, through rolling hills and through deserts.  We seen lakes and rivers and creeks and oceans.  It all so amazing and beautiful and I learned my son is a history buff just like his momma which makes me oh so proud.  I can't wait to plan trips to more history museums here in our home state.  :)

I've missed you guys though and we're glad to be back at home though not necessarily back to the real world and work, blech!  But I did come back with a gorgeous tan, I've always wanted to go on vacation and come home with a tan :).

Reconnection

I haven't been on blogger at all for 2 days.  No reading or anything, not even from my phone.  I've been in full swing trip preparation mode.  Sometimes I think I look forward to the preparation as much as the actual trip.  After working tirelessly for 2 days straight I have been ordered to "take it easy" today.  Ugh!  I hate it when he does that like it's so easy.  It will help that I have a pre-trip pedicure scheduled for later this afternoon (now do you know why I look forward to preparations?).  So here I am on blogger making up for lost time, catching up on reading/commenting and trying to distract myself from the mess the kids have made in my house that I want clean when we leave Monday morning (I like to come home from vacation to a clean house so I won't have to jump right into cleaning as soon as I arrive). 

I've also been ordered to post about our maintenance session the other night.

Saturday night, we got bad news from my husband's work.  He is no longer going to days.  The new person doing the schedule has decided my husband is too good of an employee to allow him to go to days and they want to give him a promotion for the night shift.  I started crying immediately after he told me, but I tried to suck it up.  I never intended on taking my hurt feelings out on him, it wasn't really his fault.  There wasn't a whole lot he could do.  I'd already began to descent into my depression pit and this news sent me spiraling quickly down, I almost couldn't catch myself.  To be honest, I went so fast it scared even me.  I'll write another post about that sometime since it would take a whole other post to explain what that feels like to someone who doesn't understand depression.

After having some really intense conversations with God Saturday night, we went to church Sunday morning where we discussed the importance of keeping God in the center of our marriage.  We talked about different ways a couple could keep their couple spirituality strong.  We discussed ways other couples have done it even with struggles in their schedules and it sunk it that while John and I have been doing a good job with our individual spirituality and our family spirituality, we've been failing with our couple spirituality (sorry for the tongue twister there) and that hurt me even more.  It was made worse to me that John felt like we had been doing a good job.  I wasn't in a good place inside and I felt myself losing connection with John.  I couldn't tell him how I was feeling.  One, I couldn't put it into word to understand and two, I'm still a little too good at hiding it.  Some patterns are so difficult to change.  I'm pretty sure he still doesn't understand how bad off I had been.  I was hurting and really bad.  (I'm actually tearing up remembering all of those feelings).

Monday I finally started to pull out of it.  I was still feeling very hurt inside and completely shaken by this experience, the worst it's been since John and I have been together, but I was starting to feel a little relief.  We had both worked Sunday night, so we slept during the day Monday and woke Monday afternoon.  We got in the shower together, not completely uncommon for us.  We usually shower together to save water and time, with 7 people living in our house and only 1 shower, it's easier for us to shower together.  It usually isn't a sexual experience though sometimes it does turn into that.  Usually I shower myself and he showers himself, but this time something intense happened.  I don't know if he somehow sensed I needed him so bad or what, but he washed me.  He washed my hair for me and soaped me up, not as a sexual thing but more as an "I'm here for you to help take care of you" thing.  He rubbed my shoulders.  The rest of the afternoon and into the evening I don't think he ever took his hands off me.  Again, not sexual.

Later that night we did end up having sex, but it wasn't normal sex.  I wasn't in the mood due to the hurt that was still inside.  My body kept trying to run away from his touching and kissing, but he wouldn't let me go anywhere.  I finally melted into him and submitted.  It was a lot of the same feelings/emotions I experience during a spanking only it was during sex.

Tuesday, I felt a whole world better.  I still wanted the reconnect spanking, so I asked for it (and as usual, immediately regretted asking, whatever am I thinking when I ask for one?).  Before hand I was nervous because I knew where I needed to go, I knew John knew where I needed to go, but I didn't really want to go there as much as I needed it.  He got me there.  He's good at it.

Today, I'm feeling more at ease, stressed yes, but if you knew me, you'd no that it's unavoidable with a 2 week family road trip coming up.  But it's normal stress, nothing that is causing me or anyone else discomfort.



P.S.  I'm going to try to type up the sister post to this one about my depression before our trip.  But if not, I promise to get it up as soon as we get back.



P.P.S.  I'm not usually so serious all the time.  I'm actually pretty goofy in real life.  Sometimes I think my blog portrays me as this melancholy serious person, but I'm actually really fun loving type.  I actually taught my kids how to roll down a grassy hill.

The Perfect Wife

I asked for Dd.  I asked him to take charge, to make the rules and to hold me accountable.  I asked him to spank, both for reconnect and for discipline.  I continue to ask for him to be strict with me, not to let things slide.  Why?

It's not that I'm flighty, inconsistent or immature.  I keep a clean house, take care of the kids, cook, keep schedules, allow my husband "guy" time.  I'm the "perfect" wife by any 1950s sitcom's standards.  So, what's the problem?

I try so hard to be the perfect wife, only I'm not in a 1950s sitcom married to some television charactar made up in some person's mind.  I'm married to my husband, a real man in 2012 in the real world and I truly desire to be his perfect wife, only I don't know (or I didn't know) what that is.  I needed his guidance to help me find it and Dd was the path we chose to take.  Are there other paths?  Sure!  But we chose Dd, together, as a couple.

Interestingly enough, he did not know what his perfect wife should act like before we started this journey because, well, in today's culture it's not OK for a man to think about stuff like that, but I wanted so bad to please him and not knowing what he wanted left me hanging and frustrated.  Now I have clear guidelines for what he wants in a wife.  What's important to him and what he doesn't care ass much about.  Knowing exactly what he wants has allowed me the confidence to be his perfect wife.  That's not to say that I must do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, because he doesn't want me to feel used or anything along those lines, but now I know what he wants and I can give him the gift of my submission.

John's perfect wife takes time to care for herself.  She makes time for herself to do what she wants.  She includes him in the household duties when he's available and handles them when he's not.  She irons his shirts and folds the socks but doesn't clean the kids' rooms.  She allows them to do it and if they don't, she allows him to deal with the kids, not go in and do it herself.  She allows him to sweep the floors while she switches laundry over, thus allowing more couple time.  She allows him to bathe the kids and tuck them in because he misses that.  I never knew that all that time I'd spent doing all the work so that he wouldn't have to, I was making him feel excluded from the family.

Also, since I'm not allowed to distance from him or shut him out anymore (this is a spankable offense) we have opened up the lines of communication between us.  I'm not perfect at this area yet, but I've improved and he now knows my feeling and what's important to me.  He strives to give me what I want as well.  He even puts his dirty cloths in the hamper now rather than on the floor.

We've still got a long way to go and we're far from perfect, but we've come so far in such a short period of time it makes it all seem so worth it.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My Dd life has been pretty boring here lately.  Not my life, just not a whole lot Dd related going on.  I did get a reconnect spanking while John and I were on a mini get away and that was nice.  We're hoping to have a more regular reconnect schedule when he switches his work schedule, new projected date will be July.

We did return from our mini get away, stayed in a near by city to see a concert for one of my favorite bands, met up with a couple friend of ours afterward and really connected with them.  I hardly know them because they're co-workers of my husband, but we really had a good time talking about love, life and marriage. Then we met with another couple of friends of ours for lunch the next day and caught up with them.  All in all it was a nice trip.

I am lucky enough that I'm pmsing now, which is a good thing.  I didn't start the pmsing until we got back from our mini get away and I'll be done when we head out on the road for our family trip here in about a week.  Perfect timing this time, which is weird for it since it likes to make its appearance when it's most inconvenient.

I don't know how often I'll be able to post with the upcoming road trip.  Packing and planning is key to successful trip and over the next week I'm going to be running like a chicken with my head cut off tyring to get everything ready to go, then we're going on our trip for 2 weeks.  I'll try to blog at least one more time before we leave though. 

So, of course after I type this, I get snappy with John and sent for a time-out in my room.  I know that sounds so childish in a way, that my husband gives me time-outs, but when I'm just being grumpy, sometimes I just need a time-out to re-group.  We've been incorporating that a lot lately because John doesn't want to have to spank me every time I'm grumpy since not every incident is worth a spanking.  Sometimes a time-out works wonders.

Also, John says that when the 3 book box set for 50 Shades of Gray comes out June 12, he's going to find a Barnes and Noble to stop at and pick it up.  I'm excited because I have been really wanting to read it and now my real life friend even said it's really good.

A Dd Conversation

Sometimes when people think of Dd, they think of spanking or a list of rules and consequences.  Today, I would like to share with you a conversation we had yesterday that really brought to our attentions the whole dynamic of Dd.

We've been dealing with a certain behavioral issue with our son for a while now and I had come up with a disciplinary method we could try.  I brought it up to John and he agreed it sounded like a good idea, so we went with it.  The problem is that when it comes to our son, John tries to deal with him on his own and keep me completely out of the loop, so he never told me when John Jr was in trouble so that I could enforce our agreed upon discipline.  Then, yesterday, John Jr did it again and John stepped in to deal with it leaving me completely unaware there was an issue, but instead of utilizing my disciplinary method, he came up with one on his own without even discussing it with me.  When he told me about the punishment he had dealt our son, I was hurt and I snapped at him "Really!?  Really?!"  then walked off. 

I could have stayed and yelled at him about how he had completely disregarded my ideas and made his own, but instead I knew I was heated and left the conversation.  John could have taken my leaving as a symbol of my disrespect for him but instead he went in to our room and calmly yet firmly called me in there.  He didn't become defensive at all as he would have done pre-Dd.  When he called me, I didn't want to go, I wanted to sit in the other room and fume at him, but I knew he was the HOH and when  he summons me to the bedroom I had better go.  So I went.  He started off by saying that any attitude would not be tolerated, but that he was willing to discuss the matter with me further.  We did calmly and he realized that he had hurt my feelings my coming up with his own solution without discussing it with me after we agreed on another solution. 

We came up with a compromise that would allow him to not take back what he had already set as a punishment but instead limit it for the day, continue on with my idea for the time frame we agreed on and in the future, John will be sure to let me know if John Jr is in trouble so I can enforce it.  He agreed to give it another chance and if he feels it's not working to discuss other disciplinary options with me before handing them out.

I know this sounds so mundane, but pre-Dd, this situation could have played out completely differently.  It could have included yelling and screaming hurtful words, slamming doors, stomping off and sulking, the silent treatment, eventual tears, then we would have been back in the bedroom but crying trying to figure out how to take back the precious 24 hours and fix what we hurt in our relationship and our son's behavior would have gone unpunished in the midst of all that.

Sometimes Dd isn't just about spanking and rules, sometimes it means one person can take charge of a disagreement and steer the conversation in a more respectful direction.

In Response to JJ

JJ at Waiting for Mr. HOH asked a question on her blog.  She asked "Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?"

Here's my answer:

We discussed this at length when we went through premarital counseling and I'd like to share what I learned here.  Before John and I met, we felt there was no way anyone would ever come before our children.  Our children were a part of our lives first and they would be more important than our spouse.  We knew the model of God first, spouse second and children third but we had no intentions of living by that even though we were both Christians and we weren't going to marry anyone who didn't understand our children would come first.

In premarital counseling though we discussed how, yes we should put our spouse first but we should marry someone who wouldn't make us choose between the two.  We also discussed that the relationship and the love you have for your spouse is not the same as the love you have for your children.  So it's more like we're comparing apples and oranges here.

Our pastor described the concept of spouse first and children second as not allowing your children to play parents against each other.  That we should provide a united front to the children and not allow them to come in between us.  This in turn gives them a sense of stability.  If your spouse hands out a discipline to a child that the child feel is excessive they may try to convince you of it.  If you agree with the child then you and the child can get into a discussion about how daddy's so unfair, you may not back his decision and your child and you sort of go behind his back and unrestrict the child.  This creates a feeling in your spouse that what he says is not important in the household, if this is something that continues for a period of time, your spouse will spend time other places that make him feel important.  The better choice is to explain to your child that this is what dad has decided is fair and uphold his decision.  If you feel he was unfair, you may discuss the issue with him behind closed doors, away from the child.


I feel like since we're in a blended family situation, it is actually even more important that we keep each other as top priority.  There are several reasons I feel this way.  One is because we didn't have that time before kids to cultivate a strong marriage, another reason is that both sets of step kids feel like their step-parent has encroached on their territory.  We were 2 set up families with 2 ways of doing things, so when we blended the families, each family had to give up some of their routine.  This made both kids feel like the other family "ruined" their lives, causing each to act out to the step-parent and to tell their bio parent that the step-parent was doing mean things to them.  Also, since it was just my husband and my stepdaughters before us and me and my kids before them, the kids weren't used to sharing their parent, now they have to share with more kids and another adult.  Frequently I've been shoved away from my husband by a step-daughter.  If they had their way, John and I would have no physical contact while they were here.  In the beginning I felt like every other week I stopped being a wife.  Of course I discussed this with my husband and we've worked on it with the kids.


She also asked how we make it clear to our kids.  We've sat down and had discussions with them about how the parent/child relationship is different then that of a spouse.  (we spoke in kids terms).  We talked to them about how everyone is born with the capacity to love the whole world as Jesus has so the fact that our family has gotten bigger just means there's more love in the family.  We have date nights, but I also work diligently to find fun unique things to do with the kids as well.  We also make one-on-one time with our bio kids so they don't feel as abandoned.  We have made it clear that if John and I are in our room with the door shut, they are to leave us alone.


Closing thoughts:
Without the marriage, there would be no family, but once an adult has children they now have a responsibility to that child to raise and nurture him/her to be a good adult.  If you don't nurture your marriage while the children are still growing, then what will you be left with when the children move out?  (this is what my parents experienced, I was an adult when they divorced).

Snapping Got Me the Hairbrush :(

Thank you to all my readers for your patience while I focused on my busy schedule over this long weekend.  I responded to all of your comments on the last two posts so if you commented head over to them to check our my repsonses.  I appreciated everyone's comments of support always.  My husband is still getting the new schedule but it's going to be a little later than originally anticipated.  They have to work just a couple of kinks the popped up.  It will happen shortly after we return from our trip which we're leaving on in a couple of weeks anyway so we won't even notice the extended timeline.

So anyways, over my long weekend I received a punishment and here's the story for you all and for John as there's an important message for him in it from me.  Enjoy!

We were at church this past Sunday morning.  Neither one of us had gotten much sleep so far over the weekend and we weren't done yet.  He had asked a simple question.  He wanted to know if I'd be OK with us skipping Sunday school.  I got really upset and whiny and maybe a bit snippy.  He was just too tired to deal with my irrational behavior, so he shut me out.  After we got all the kids dropped off at their Sunday school classes and before we got to ours, he pulled me aside and said very sternly "I will deal with you later".  The strange thing is a part of me actually felt releived.  We both ended up enjoying Sunday school but were ready for bed by the time we headed home.

Once we got home there was no punishment.  I understood that, we'd both been up all night.  What got me upset again was that he said he felt he had baited me and there would be no punishment at all.  I was really upset about this and I began to shut down emotionally.  I began to feel like he wasn't taking this dynamic seriously, our marriage seriously or me seriously. 

After we woke up he finally dragged it out of me what I was feeling.  He told me that since he was tired, he felt that he had mistook what I had said, but since I seemed to agree my attitude was out of line, he decided to spank me for it.  So out to the garage we went.  I was thinking "wait, no actually I think I'm good now, glad we had this talk now let's cuddle before you have to go to work".  I confuse even myself sometimes.

It hurt...a lot.  He used his hand, the ping pong paddle and that stupid hairbrush.  There was barely even a warmup if you could call it that.  For some reason all my logical reasoning goes out of the window during a spanking.  Is it really smart to yell at your HOH that he's spanking you wrong while bare bottomed over his lap with a hairbrush in his hand?  It's not?  Oops!  Yeah I did yell at him.  I yelled at him for spanking too hard, for not doing a warmup and didn't he remember it'd been a while since my last maintanence?  The I shouted at him "you just don't care do you?".  That's when he grabbed my hip, pulled me in and continued spanking but now it was faster and harder.  :(  I went limp and began to cry.  I know it's in those moments he probably doubts himself and wonder if he should be more lenient.  In case he has any doubts about continuing on after I yelled at him that he didn't care, I want him to know that it was somewhat comforting to me that he didn't let me take over and end the spanking then.  I'm glad he continued until I got that release I needed.   I stopped fighting him and flailing around then.  It ended pretty quickly.

Afterward, I felt at peace and I was glad he had continued after I yelled at him.  He does listen to me.  :)  He said I was glowing after the spanking and he was just talking about my bottom.  He says I just get the air about me afterwards like I'm floating on a cloud and in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm floating.