Back on Track with Submission

After my last post I feel I should update you all especially after all the very sweet comments I got from Ana, Molly and Susie.

Yesterday was catch up on cleaning after working for a few days.  I constructed my to-do list remembering that I'm not supposed to obsess about cleaning so much.  I even put on which chores I would delegate to the children (I have a hard time delegating).  When John came home yesterday morning he asked to see my list.  I about jumped for joy, not really sure why, but it's nice knowing he cares enough to oversee what amount of stress I'm allowed to have.  He appreciated the delegations on the list.  "Yes, that's right, the KIDS will clean their rooms".  He made a few changes, not much.  He added that he will help make dinner (not make dinner for me) and that we will do it TOGETHER.  He also said the kids will clean up from dinner.

Then, I didn't have to ask for a thing to do while he was sleeping, he just told me "you will take the kids outside today, let them play in the sprinkler or pull out the slip 'n slide".  Again my heart fluttered.

I am much more relaxed and handled little issues with ease. I took the time to cook breakfast yesterday morning which made me feel good.  I enjoy doing things like that for my family and I've been so down lately I haven't felt it, but I woke up yesterday morning thinking the kids would enjoy pancakes and eggs.  I wish John could have joined us though.  I also cooked dinner the night before.  OK back track for a minute.  I love cooking for my family.  I'm not one of those people who dread dinner time and put it off to the last minute.  I plan tomorrow night's dinner while eating tonight's then I work on it all day.  Unfortunately, John loves cooking also, mostly bbqing but he likes to cook inside as well.  His schedule has changed so he doesn't have to go in until later so we have more time to prepare and eat dinner, so he's taken the opportunity to cook, but it made me feel left out or like I wasn't contributing.  So he let me cook dinner last night (OK he had his "guy" thing to do, so I had to) but I was elated.  Hence why we're cooking together.  Actually we're going to start cooking together more often.  It's a great way to spend time together and we'd both be doing something we love without leaving anyone out :).

I'm pretty sure I gained 100 pounds while on vacation and have been feeling kind of blah about it.  I had made a comment that I was going to stop eating all together to lose the weight.  John got pretty upset about it and made it a rule that I have to eat 3 meals a day.  I'm not much of a breakfast eater, but I tried.  I feel pretty good about it.  After I built my plate yesterday morning, I looked at it with a scrunched up face.  I really didn't want to eat it but I knew I had to at least try.  I only ate half of it (that made me wish John were here for breakfast a little more) but I actually had more energy yesterday than usual.  Not sure if it's because I wasn't as stressed as usual, because I ate breakfast or because I took my iron.  Maybe it's all 3.  But it feels good.

Today I got another approval but he did mention that the list was kind of long.  It was but it was a lot of little things that don't take long and I can get everything done by lunch time if I tried.  He said that I had to write a post :) and that we were spending time together this evening on our front porch.

Lost Submission

I seem to have lost some of my submissiveness since our vacation.  I was really nervous about going on vacation because we are still so new at this that I was worried we'd lose it.  I feel in a way we did.  Since being back it's been difficult getting back on routine with everything.  Getting used to work schedules again, getting kids back on task for chores, heck getting me back on task for chores.  All of that I can handle, but I seem to have forgotten that I don't run this show.  I'm back to trying to control my household my way.  My attitude hasn't returned full-fledged (thankfully because it can get pretty ugly around here when I don't get my way), but I used to do small little submissive things and I don't anymore.

An example, John would have to approve my to-do list before I could work on it.  He'd make changes to it as he sees fit, but since vacation I kind of went into captain-of-the-ship mode and created my own to-do list of my own accord then started barking out orders to get my kids back on real world time without a thought to John or getting his approval.

Another example is I used to ask him before he went to work or when he laid down during the day if there was something he would like me to do.  He'd usually give me some small task or tell me to take it easy or tell me to do something with the kids.  He helped me stay focused on what's important in our lives.  I haven't asked him even once since we've been back.

I think all this plus the stress of wanting a new job really badly it makes my tummy hurt has led to me being depressed today.  I actually started crying in church to the point we had to leave early and I had some people worried about me.  That kills me because I see now how much I've hurt people in the past before I started counseling and I never meant to hurt anyone, so I hate knowing I've hurt people now.

I shouldn't need John to help me feel submissive, I should do it.  This marriage isn't a game and I need to do my part in it.  My part is to be a submissive wife, so starting right now I'm going to start doing those little things again.  I'm going to make my to-do list for tomorrow and ask John to approve it, when he leaves for his "guy thing" tomorrow evening, I'm going to check what he would like me to do while he's away and I'm going to take my iron (yes, I've skipped a few days since we've been back, it hurt when John responded with "Baby, I don't want you not feeling well because you won't take your iron").

Wish me luck!

Whew!

Whew!  It took me some time to get caught up at work after being gone for 2 weeks then it was end of the month and I'm kind of responsible for all that too, so that's now done.  4th of July came and it was successful except the responsible schedule keeper that I am screwed up and got the custody schedule for my husband and his ex-wife backwards.  I thought we were supposed to have the girls in the evening but we were actually supposed to have them in the day, no one seemed to notice thankfully so it wasn't that big of a deal.  I don't like to stray from the court order with her because she could change her mind and we'd be screwed out of our time.  She did that last Christmas when we switched to accommodate our work schedules, she said it was fine until it was time for us to get the girls then she said she wasn't bringing them over and we weren't getting them, since our court ordered time had already passed, we were pretty much screwed.  She did finally relent but that situation left a bad taste in my mouth and I've been a stickler for the court ordered schedule ever since.  It's really sad but unfortunately true.

I hope all of you had a good holiday as well for those who celebrate.  We had originally planned on seeing 2 different fireworks shows but due to all the dry conditions, one of those shows was cancelled, thankfully the other one wan't and we still got to see it.  It was a good day with all 5 kids enjoying some holiday festivities and food and a really good fireworks display.

Then yesterday we got to take the kids to the lake to go swimming.  It was a nice day and I was surprised that it wasn't very busy since it was the day after the 4th I figured all the campers would still be there, but there wasn't a whole lot of people at the swimming beach.

So after 2 long days, today my son and I are still in our Pj's (it's almost lunch time) and the baby is running around in her diaper.  We're just laying around watching TV and playing on the Internet.  I'm working on some Dd related posts to be posted soon, just wanted to check in with you all.  :)

Honey, I'm Home! :)

Hello everyone, we're back from vacation.  It was an amazing and long overdue.  We spent our time reconnecting with old family, meeting new family and rekindling relationships with lost family. I wish I could tell you all everything we did and show off all our pictures but as we all know I can't :(.  I loved traveling across our beautiful country.  We drove through mountains and across plains, through rolling hills and through deserts.  We seen lakes and rivers and creeks and oceans.  It all so amazing and beautiful and I learned my son is a history buff just like his momma which makes me oh so proud.  I can't wait to plan trips to more history museums here in our home state.  :)

I've missed you guys though and we're glad to be back at home though not necessarily back to the real world and work, blech!  But I did come back with a gorgeous tan, I've always wanted to go on vacation and come home with a tan :).

Reconnection

I haven't been on blogger at all for 2 days.  No reading or anything, not even from my phone.  I've been in full swing trip preparation mode.  Sometimes I think I look forward to the preparation as much as the actual trip.  After working tirelessly for 2 days straight I have been ordered to "take it easy" today.  Ugh!  I hate it when he does that like it's so easy.  It will help that I have a pre-trip pedicure scheduled for later this afternoon (now do you know why I look forward to preparations?).  So here I am on blogger making up for lost time, catching up on reading/commenting and trying to distract myself from the mess the kids have made in my house that I want clean when we leave Monday morning (I like to come home from vacation to a clean house so I won't have to jump right into cleaning as soon as I arrive). 

I've also been ordered to post about our maintenance session the other night.

Saturday night, we got bad news from my husband's work.  He is no longer going to days.  The new person doing the schedule has decided my husband is too good of an employee to allow him to go to days and they want to give him a promotion for the night shift.  I started crying immediately after he told me, but I tried to suck it up.  I never intended on taking my hurt feelings out on him, it wasn't really his fault.  There wasn't a whole lot he could do.  I'd already began to descent into my depression pit and this news sent me spiraling quickly down, I almost couldn't catch myself.  To be honest, I went so fast it scared even me.  I'll write another post about that sometime since it would take a whole other post to explain what that feels like to someone who doesn't understand depression.

After having some really intense conversations with God Saturday night, we went to church Sunday morning where we discussed the importance of keeping God in the center of our marriage.  We talked about different ways a couple could keep their couple spirituality strong.  We discussed ways other couples have done it even with struggles in their schedules and it sunk it that while John and I have been doing a good job with our individual spirituality and our family spirituality, we've been failing with our couple spirituality (sorry for the tongue twister there) and that hurt me even more.  It was made worse to me that John felt like we had been doing a good job.  I wasn't in a good place inside and I felt myself losing connection with John.  I couldn't tell him how I was feeling.  One, I couldn't put it into word to understand and two, I'm still a little too good at hiding it.  Some patterns are so difficult to change.  I'm pretty sure he still doesn't understand how bad off I had been.  I was hurting and really bad.  (I'm actually tearing up remembering all of those feelings).

Monday I finally started to pull out of it.  I was still feeling very hurt inside and completely shaken by this experience, the worst it's been since John and I have been together, but I was starting to feel a little relief.  We had both worked Sunday night, so we slept during the day Monday and woke Monday afternoon.  We got in the shower together, not completely uncommon for us.  We usually shower together to save water and time, with 7 people living in our house and only 1 shower, it's easier for us to shower together.  It usually isn't a sexual experience though sometimes it does turn into that.  Usually I shower myself and he showers himself, but this time something intense happened.  I don't know if he somehow sensed I needed him so bad or what, but he washed me.  He washed my hair for me and soaped me up, not as a sexual thing but more as an "I'm here for you to help take care of you" thing.  He rubbed my shoulders.  The rest of the afternoon and into the evening I don't think he ever took his hands off me.  Again, not sexual.

Later that night we did end up having sex, but it wasn't normal sex.  I wasn't in the mood due to the hurt that was still inside.  My body kept trying to run away from his touching and kissing, but he wouldn't let me go anywhere.  I finally melted into him and submitted.  It was a lot of the same feelings/emotions I experience during a spanking only it was during sex.

Tuesday, I felt a whole world better.  I still wanted the reconnect spanking, so I asked for it (and as usual, immediately regretted asking, whatever am I thinking when I ask for one?).  Before hand I was nervous because I knew where I needed to go, I knew John knew where I needed to go, but I didn't really want to go there as much as I needed it.  He got me there.  He's good at it.

Today, I'm feeling more at ease, stressed yes, but if you knew me, you'd no that it's unavoidable with a 2 week family road trip coming up.  But it's normal stress, nothing that is causing me or anyone else discomfort.



P.S.  I'm going to try to type up the sister post to this one about my depression before our trip.  But if not, I promise to get it up as soon as we get back.



P.P.S.  I'm not usually so serious all the time.  I'm actually pretty goofy in real life.  Sometimes I think my blog portrays me as this melancholy serious person, but I'm actually really fun loving type.  I actually taught my kids how to roll down a grassy hill.

The Perfect Wife

I asked for Dd.  I asked him to take charge, to make the rules and to hold me accountable.  I asked him to spank, both for reconnect and for discipline.  I continue to ask for him to be strict with me, not to let things slide.  Why?

It's not that I'm flighty, inconsistent or immature.  I keep a clean house, take care of the kids, cook, keep schedules, allow my husband "guy" time.  I'm the "perfect" wife by any 1950s sitcom's standards.  So, what's the problem?

I try so hard to be the perfect wife, only I'm not in a 1950s sitcom married to some television charactar made up in some person's mind.  I'm married to my husband, a real man in 2012 in the real world and I truly desire to be his perfect wife, only I don't know (or I didn't know) what that is.  I needed his guidance to help me find it and Dd was the path we chose to take.  Are there other paths?  Sure!  But we chose Dd, together, as a couple.

Interestingly enough, he did not know what his perfect wife should act like before we started this journey because, well, in today's culture it's not OK for a man to think about stuff like that, but I wanted so bad to please him and not knowing what he wanted left me hanging and frustrated.  Now I have clear guidelines for what he wants in a wife.  What's important to him and what he doesn't care ass much about.  Knowing exactly what he wants has allowed me the confidence to be his perfect wife.  That's not to say that I must do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, because he doesn't want me to feel used or anything along those lines, but now I know what he wants and I can give him the gift of my submission.

John's perfect wife takes time to care for herself.  She makes time for herself to do what she wants.  She includes him in the household duties when he's available and handles them when he's not.  She irons his shirts and folds the socks but doesn't clean the kids' rooms.  She allows them to do it and if they don't, she allows him to deal with the kids, not go in and do it herself.  She allows him to sweep the floors while she switches laundry over, thus allowing more couple time.  She allows him to bathe the kids and tuck them in because he misses that.  I never knew that all that time I'd spent doing all the work so that he wouldn't have to, I was making him feel excluded from the family.

Also, since I'm not allowed to distance from him or shut him out anymore (this is a spankable offense) we have opened up the lines of communication between us.  I'm not perfect at this area yet, but I've improved and he now knows my feeling and what's important to me.  He strives to give me what I want as well.  He even puts his dirty cloths in the hamper now rather than on the floor.

We've still got a long way to go and we're far from perfect, but we've come so far in such a short period of time it makes it all seem so worth it.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My Dd life has been pretty boring here lately.  Not my life, just not a whole lot Dd related going on.  I did get a reconnect spanking while John and I were on a mini get away and that was nice.  We're hoping to have a more regular reconnect schedule when he switches his work schedule, new projected date will be July.

We did return from our mini get away, stayed in a near by city to see a concert for one of my favorite bands, met up with a couple friend of ours afterward and really connected with them.  I hardly know them because they're co-workers of my husband, but we really had a good time talking about love, life and marriage. Then we met with another couple of friends of ours for lunch the next day and caught up with them.  All in all it was a nice trip.

I am lucky enough that I'm pmsing now, which is a good thing.  I didn't start the pmsing until we got back from our mini get away and I'll be done when we head out on the road for our family trip here in about a week.  Perfect timing this time, which is weird for it since it likes to make its appearance when it's most inconvenient.

I don't know how often I'll be able to post with the upcoming road trip.  Packing and planning is key to successful trip and over the next week I'm going to be running like a chicken with my head cut off tyring to get everything ready to go, then we're going on our trip for 2 weeks.  I'll try to blog at least one more time before we leave though. 

So, of course after I type this, I get snappy with John and sent for a time-out in my room.  I know that sounds so childish in a way, that my husband gives me time-outs, but when I'm just being grumpy, sometimes I just need a time-out to re-group.  We've been incorporating that a lot lately because John doesn't want to have to spank me every time I'm grumpy since not every incident is worth a spanking.  Sometimes a time-out works wonders.

Also, John says that when the 3 book box set for 50 Shades of Gray comes out June 12, he's going to find a Barnes and Noble to stop at and pick it up.  I'm excited because I have been really wanting to read it and now my real life friend even said it's really good.