Why I Withdraw

I'm going to try to write this so that you all can understand.

I consider myself to be a realist or a recovering pessimist.  I'm not an optimist nor do I feel I am a pessimist either.  Let me explain (as best I can).  An optimist looks for the good in every situation.  I don't.  A pessimist looks for the bad in every situation.  I don't do that either, though I used to.  I see obstacles, I may not be able to predict them, but I know they'll be there, always.  That's what I do.  Example, I have never believed in "happily ever after".  All you ladies know about fairy tales right?  Girl meet her Prince Charming (I've never liked that guy by the way, too suave if you ask me), falls in love, he falls in love with her, it's love at first sight, they get married and live happily ever after with no problems ever.  Bills are always paid, children well mannered and never an argument between them.  Except, I have never believed in that.  I always knew when I married there would be days I liked my husband immensely and there would be days I'd not like him as much.  I also knew my future husband would have the same feelings about me.  I knew we'd argue occasionally and since I know myself pretty well, I knew we'd argue more than occasionally.  But I knew if we were committed to each other and our marriage, it would be OK in the end.  See?  Realist.

I feel like my blog comes off as very negative sometimes or that I'm depressed all the time.  That's truly not me, it's just that sometimes, this is the only place I can vent about things that are bothering me.  In real life, I'm actually pretty happy (being a realist does that actually, I already know life's not perfect so I just don't expect much from it and I am content with it).  Ana said in her Lovely Blogger Award post that one of her favorite things I wrote was about when I was playing with my son at the park and he got his arm bit off by a shark (in pretend).  She went on to say that I sound like the kind of mom who not only let's her kids have pillow fights, but joins them as well.  I think that most accurately describes how I am in real life.  I am a big kid at heart.  I might be a realist but it doesn't mean I don't have imagination.  I still (pretend to) believe in fairies and dragons and mermaids.  I still don't like Prince Charming though, he's very arrogant if you ask me.  I am the first one up Christmas morning waking all the kids up (isn't that backwards?), I try to smile at strangers in the grocery store and I relate to children much more than I do adults.  I skip :).  I love to dance and sing (though off key, sorry) as loud as I can.  I love attending my kids' "concerts" in our living room and will act as if I'm at a real concert.  I do this stuff in public as well and I don't care who's giving me dirty looks.

I try very hard to be a good friend.  If I haven't heard from a good friend in a while, I try to reach out and see how he/she is doing.  I ask about their lives and say "how are you doing" and I really want to know.

I've grown to really appreciate and like all my readers and especially those who comment.  I want you all to see this positive side of me a little more.  I consider you my friends and I feel my friends should be able to appreciate my company.  (that sounded very arrogant but I don't mean it like "you all should be appreciative that I'm your friend" but more that I take responsibility for who I am to you and I should be a good friend to you).

So, that leads me to why I shut down when I'm hurting like I am.  I do it because I want you to see the positive side of me.  I want to be a good friend to you and not weigh you down with all my insecurities and depression.  When I was younger I used to be a cutter.  I was very selfish back then.  I hurt a lot of people very dear to me during that time.  I never got the chance to tell them all how sorry I am because they all left me long before I came to terms with everything.  They couldn't handle all of the emotional stress I had unknowingly put on them.  I still to this day feel so guilty for putting so much on them, I don't want to do that to my friends today.  My friends today include all of you. 

So I guess that's why I tend to withdraw when I hurt.  I wanted you all to understand that.

Feeling Lost

I'm sorry I've been absent.  I have a post in my head to write but I've been dealing with a lot of emotional stuff in my life right now.  Sometimes when things get to be too much for me, I tend to distance myself from people.  I haven't been active on my facebook either and I usually post at least once a day, mostly more, but I'm just not feeling it.  Last week, I spent the entire week crying.  This week I'm just trying to wrap my head around me reality and get my thoughts in the right place.

For the record (and so John knows), John has been very supportive of everything I've been going through.  I know he sees my pain and wants to wipe it away but in this instance he can't "fix" anything and I know that hurts him as much as I'm hurting right now.  I love you John, I know you're here for me even when you can't be, I know how much you want to help.

I'm hoping to put up a post when I get my head back.  Maybe due a book review of 50 Shades of Grey since I've not seen anyone write what I thought of the book.  :)

A Little Late but...

Ana at Governing Ana has officially nominated me for the Lovely Blogger Award.  Also, Blondie at Blondie's Blog gave me a shout out in round 2.  Thank you both for your thoughtfulness.  I honestly have been enjoying everyone's 7 things and learning about blogs I haven't heard of yet that I never actually considered myself to be among the ones nominated.

The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance
- Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them.
- Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
- Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
- Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

Ok so, 7 things about me you may not already know...hmm...

1) I was a cheerleader in high school and was captain of my cheer team :)  People I know in real life are not shocked by this information, I don't think I ever outgrew the peppyness, sorry to people that it annoys.

2) I can't paint nails, mine or otherwise, without it coming out all sloppy.  Actually I let my girls paint my nails because they do a better job than me.

3) In the summer time, I'm never inside.  As soon as warm weather starts moving in I almost run outside.  However in the winter, I kind of become a hermit.  You'll notice much more online activity from me when it's cold.

4) I was 21 when I first decided to give God a chance and life has not been the same since.  In fact I moved from my home town shortly there after and the people who knew me before would not be able to recognize my personality now.  On that same note the church I was "saved" at and the church I finally got baptized at aren't even in the same state.  And my son and I were baptized on the same date.  :)

5) I'm a reality show addict.  Sorry.  Not like Survivor or Big Brother (I hate those shows) but shows like Swamp People, Ice Road Truckers, Top Shot.  All the ones on TLC, History or Discovery.

6) My favorite Disney Princess is Belle and I've always had a bit of a crush on Beast, you know before he turned into some girly looking Prince

7) Before I had kids, I was a work-a-holic.  Seriously, I worked 60-80 hours a week because I chose to.  Then when I wasn't scheduled to work, I was at work.  After I had my oldest, I stopped wanting to be at work all the time and wanted to be home more often.

And now to nominate blogs...to me it seems kind of redundant to nominate blogs so late in the game.  I think all the blogs have been nominated at least once and well deserved.  A part of me wants to just skip the whole nomination part and direct you all to my blog roll.  All these blogs wouldn't be on my blog roll if I didn't enjoy them.  But I would like to give a shout out to some that have made a difference in my blogging life for one reason or another.

So, in no particular order...

Ana at Governing Ana
Christina at Red Booty Woman
Susie at Her Mischief Managed
Hermione at Hermione's Heart
Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts
Stormy at Shelter in the Storm
June at The Dish with Ward and June
JJ at Waiting for Mr HOH
Blondie at Blondie's Blog
Emi at Veiled Obsessions
Tess at Rules to Love by
Julia at My Personal Thinking Spot
SNP at Slightly Naughty Princess

If you see your name/blog above and haven't been nominated yet, consider this your nomination.  However I'm pretty sure all of the above blogs are so awesome they've already been nominated at least once.

Warning Long, Feel Free to Just Skip This One

Warning, this is long, I even sidetrack more than once.  Feel free to skim or just skip this one completely.  There is some spanking at the end though if you do choose to read.

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My husband will never truly understand what I go through on a daily basis with our kids and here's why, when I cook or clean the kids either disappear, stand there staring at me or ask me to do something for them right now despite the fact they can clearly see I'm busy, but when he cooks or cleans he's followed around my little people asking "can I help, Daddy, can I help?"  Completely not fair if you ask me.  So this has been building for a few days and I'm getting frustrated by it all.  Then one morning I get up to cook breakfast for the kids, get them all served and sat in front of the television.  Since everyone had gotten up kind of late that morning and I still needed time to eat my breakfast I had decided to extend their morning TV time by a half hour.  As I'm settling down at the computer to eat my breakfast everything let loose and chaos ensued.  I had to jump up and solve all the world's problems and I hadn't even eaten my breakfast yet.  I became very hurt and upset by this.  I felt the kids only viewed me as their house maid and not as a person or a member of the family.  Then I felt guilty by the way I was feeling.  This is all part of being a mom.  I began to doubt my abilities as a mom and felt somehow God had made a mistake.  I realize God never makes mistakes, but in this instance I felt like he'd ruined these poor kids' lives by making me their mom/step-mom.  I spent the rest of the day cleaning the whole house single handedly while the kids did their own thing.  By the time John got up I was pretty upset, but I tried to play it off like it was no big deal.  I don't like for people to see me as weak, I am superwoman don't you know.  Here's the thing, if I say "it's no big deal" then it's probably a big deal and John knows this.

We were supposed to go grocery shopping that evening so John wanted me to see if my mom would watch the kids and cook dinner.  Of course she agreed.  We didn't go grocery shopping although we did go to a store and bought something.  He had decided to surprise me with a date night because apparently I needed it.  So first we stopped by a local adult store and bought a new toy which I'm still embarrassed to say what it is and I will turn red from head to toe even if I just type it so I will leave that to your imaginations for now.  John here and it is a BUTT PLUG! Then we went to a local Mexican restaurant.  As we're sitting there enjoying each other's company and I was relaxing, John's stupid phone rang (a good reason why cell phones have no place on a date) and it was his work wanting him to work the next day on day shift.  He asked me to call my mom to see if she'd watch the kids.  I was OK with this so far since I worked the next night and would be sleeping during the day.  As I'm asking my mom, I say it's from 7-3 and John corrects me saying it's from 7-7.  What?!  Why 12 hours I thought everyone was working 8 hours now.  He explained to me that the particular job he was covering was still on 12s.  I was upset to say the least and wouldn't talk to him for the next several seconds.

I'm going to break off that story to share another one that happened on the 4th of July.  John came home from work the 3rd and told me he told his co-workers if they got busy on the 4th to call him and he would come help them.  Just as we're settling in for the night laying in bed each with beers in our hands going to spend a nice night after getting the kids tucked in they called and he left.  I was so mad.  Apparently I talk in my sleep when I'm mad because John said I had told him in my sleep that I felt his work family was more important to him then us at home.  John said that our surprise date night was to make up for him leaving me on the 4th. 

Now for the second time in less than 2 weeks he had agreed to work extra without even talking to me about it first.  I felt like he wasn't even taking into consideration what the extra hours did to me emotionally.  I think if he'd discussed things with me first I still would have been upset but would have understood, but I felt completely blindsided.

Now, back to our story...

John was getting frustrated and upset that I was shutting him out, he wanted to drag me to the bathroom to spank me then and there but I wasn't being submissive AT ALL.  I was hurt and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.  He finally got us to talk about it and he promised the next time he would talk to me before he agreed to anything.  Not saying he'll never work an extra shift ever again but at least I could be included.  And we went on to enjoy the rest of our dinner together.  Minus another little upset but this time it wasn't his fault.

Sidetrack again...Another reason cell phones should stay at home while having dates...His phone buzzed with a text message from a strange number reading "this is my new number" so he texted back asking who it was and the reply stated "your favorite ex-wife"  Ergh!  I hate that woman!  Honestly who does she think she is.  She's the EX wife, emphasis on EX.  I'm his wife and she needs to learn her place.  Seriously!  When John and I first started getting serious, she would send him pictures from when they were a family and from their wedding.  To this day she still tries to find time to talk to him without me and flirt with him.  She proceeded to text him about her upcoming nuptial which she utilizes every opening to discuss with him.  He soon to be husband is nothing but her boy-toy, that's what he was when she first started playing around with him while she was still married to John and that's really all he ever will be to her.  She's only marrying him now because John had the audacity to get remarried and be happy.  He just ignored her and texted that he would talk to her the next day.  What I really wanted was for him to tell her he was on a date with his WIFE and that he would talk to her the next day.

Okay again back to our story...We managed to finagle a pretty good evening at dinner and went home to enjoy some more couple time.  We had a fashion show on our front porch and I must say that I'm pretty impressed with what our girls can design with a sheet and some belts.  Then there was a play that re-enacted our proposal and wedding (very inaccurately I must say, but it was cute none the less).

Then after the kids were all tucked in, it was time for some reconnect.  OMG this was the first spanking I'd received since we left for our trip.  It was long and difficult.  He went through every implement in our arsenal.  Sometimes he spanked really hard and other times not quite so hard.  He tried different positions.  He even worked with me on holding position backing up his expectations with extra smacks on my thighs if I were to move.  He definitely left his mark with this one.  It's been a couple of days and I'm still feeling it.  Not to mention the huge embarrassing welt on the back of one of my thighs from when I tried to move out of position.  It was good to be pushed, at least now I know I can handle it, which is what John wanted me to see so I wouldn't be so scared in the future.  I felt very relaxed and serene the next day.  It's amazing how a spanking can do that.

If you've made it this far, congratulations!  It was a long rambling post and I apologize for that.  I needed to vent a few things while sharing this story.  When I get the nerve, I'll tell you about our new toy, but for now, I'm still to embarrassed.

Back on Track with Submission

After my last post I feel I should update you all especially after all the very sweet comments I got from Ana, Molly and Susie.

Yesterday was catch up on cleaning after working for a few days.  I constructed my to-do list remembering that I'm not supposed to obsess about cleaning so much.  I even put on which chores I would delegate to the children (I have a hard time delegating).  When John came home yesterday morning he asked to see my list.  I about jumped for joy, not really sure why, but it's nice knowing he cares enough to oversee what amount of stress I'm allowed to have.  He appreciated the delegations on the list.  "Yes, that's right, the KIDS will clean their rooms".  He made a few changes, not much.  He added that he will help make dinner (not make dinner for me) and that we will do it TOGETHER.  He also said the kids will clean up from dinner.

Then, I didn't have to ask for a thing to do while he was sleeping, he just told me "you will take the kids outside today, let them play in the sprinkler or pull out the slip 'n slide".  Again my heart fluttered.

I am much more relaxed and handled little issues with ease. I took the time to cook breakfast yesterday morning which made me feel good.  I enjoy doing things like that for my family and I've been so down lately I haven't felt it, but I woke up yesterday morning thinking the kids would enjoy pancakes and eggs.  I wish John could have joined us though.  I also cooked dinner the night before.  OK back track for a minute.  I love cooking for my family.  I'm not one of those people who dread dinner time and put it off to the last minute.  I plan tomorrow night's dinner while eating tonight's then I work on it all day.  Unfortunately, John loves cooking also, mostly bbqing but he likes to cook inside as well.  His schedule has changed so he doesn't have to go in until later so we have more time to prepare and eat dinner, so he's taken the opportunity to cook, but it made me feel left out or like I wasn't contributing.  So he let me cook dinner last night (OK he had his "guy" thing to do, so I had to) but I was elated.  Hence why we're cooking together.  Actually we're going to start cooking together more often.  It's a great way to spend time together and we'd both be doing something we love without leaving anyone out :).

I'm pretty sure I gained 100 pounds while on vacation and have been feeling kind of blah about it.  I had made a comment that I was going to stop eating all together to lose the weight.  John got pretty upset about it and made it a rule that I have to eat 3 meals a day.  I'm not much of a breakfast eater, but I tried.  I feel pretty good about it.  After I built my plate yesterday morning, I looked at it with a scrunched up face.  I really didn't want to eat it but I knew I had to at least try.  I only ate half of it (that made me wish John were here for breakfast a little more) but I actually had more energy yesterday than usual.  Not sure if it's because I wasn't as stressed as usual, because I ate breakfast or because I took my iron.  Maybe it's all 3.  But it feels good.

Today I got another approval but he did mention that the list was kind of long.  It was but it was a lot of little things that don't take long and I can get everything done by lunch time if I tried.  He said that I had to write a post :) and that we were spending time together this evening on our front porch.

Lost Submission

I seem to have lost some of my submissiveness since our vacation.  I was really nervous about going on vacation because we are still so new at this that I was worried we'd lose it.  I feel in a way we did.  Since being back it's been difficult getting back on routine with everything.  Getting used to work schedules again, getting kids back on task for chores, heck getting me back on task for chores.  All of that I can handle, but I seem to have forgotten that I don't run this show.  I'm back to trying to control my household my way.  My attitude hasn't returned full-fledged (thankfully because it can get pretty ugly around here when I don't get my way), but I used to do small little submissive things and I don't anymore.

An example, John would have to approve my to-do list before I could work on it.  He'd make changes to it as he sees fit, but since vacation I kind of went into captain-of-the-ship mode and created my own to-do list of my own accord then started barking out orders to get my kids back on real world time without a thought to John or getting his approval.

Another example is I used to ask him before he went to work or when he laid down during the day if there was something he would like me to do.  He'd usually give me some small task or tell me to take it easy or tell me to do something with the kids.  He helped me stay focused on what's important in our lives.  I haven't asked him even once since we've been back.

I think all this plus the stress of wanting a new job really badly it makes my tummy hurt has led to me being depressed today.  I actually started crying in church to the point we had to leave early and I had some people worried about me.  That kills me because I see now how much I've hurt people in the past before I started counseling and I never meant to hurt anyone, so I hate knowing I've hurt people now.

I shouldn't need John to help me feel submissive, I should do it.  This marriage isn't a game and I need to do my part in it.  My part is to be a submissive wife, so starting right now I'm going to start doing those little things again.  I'm going to make my to-do list for tomorrow and ask John to approve it, when he leaves for his "guy thing" tomorrow evening, I'm going to check what he would like me to do while he's away and I'm going to take my iron (yes, I've skipped a few days since we've been back, it hurt when John responded with "Baby, I don't want you not feeling well because you won't take your iron").

Wish me luck!

Whew!

Whew!  It took me some time to get caught up at work after being gone for 2 weeks then it was end of the month and I'm kind of responsible for all that too, so that's now done.  4th of July came and it was successful except the responsible schedule keeper that I am screwed up and got the custody schedule for my husband and his ex-wife backwards.  I thought we were supposed to have the girls in the evening but we were actually supposed to have them in the day, no one seemed to notice thankfully so it wasn't that big of a deal.  I don't like to stray from the court order with her because she could change her mind and we'd be screwed out of our time.  She did that last Christmas when we switched to accommodate our work schedules, she said it was fine until it was time for us to get the girls then she said she wasn't bringing them over and we weren't getting them, since our court ordered time had already passed, we were pretty much screwed.  She did finally relent but that situation left a bad taste in my mouth and I've been a stickler for the court ordered schedule ever since.  It's really sad but unfortunately true.

I hope all of you had a good holiday as well for those who celebrate.  We had originally planned on seeing 2 different fireworks shows but due to all the dry conditions, one of those shows was cancelled, thankfully the other one wan't and we still got to see it.  It was a good day with all 5 kids enjoying some holiday festivities and food and a really good fireworks display.

Then yesterday we got to take the kids to the lake to go swimming.  It was a nice day and I was surprised that it wasn't very busy since it was the day after the 4th I figured all the campers would still be there, but there wasn't a whole lot of people at the swimming beach.

So after 2 long days, today my son and I are still in our Pj's (it's almost lunch time) and the baby is running around in her diaper.  We're just laying around watching TV and playing on the Internet.  I'm working on some Dd related posts to be posted soon, just wanted to check in with you all.  :)